I’m back! Obviously, it’s been a while since my last post. Getting through something in life as emotionally painful as a miscarriage is not easy or quick. And although I’m ready to share my recovery process with my readers, I also want to be clear that I’m not “over it.” Losing a child, no matter how early in a pregnancy, is not something to get over. I will never forget Sam. At the same time, though, I’m ready to move forward with my life. I can confidently say that I’m okay now.

It wasn’t a straight path, getting to “okay.” When we first got the news that we’d lost the baby, my immediate reaction was disbelief and shock. There was a lot of sadness, too. But after a few hours, I started to feel like I was alright. I felt oddly peaceful about the whole thing, and though I was still sad, I didn’t feel like it was swallowing me up. That didn’t last long; the next day I really began to feel a deep sense of grief.

For about two weeks, I went to a dark place. I felt hopeless. For all I knew, I would never have children. Even though I knew that miscarriages are sadly common, I also couldn’t help but think that it was a possibility that I would never be able to carry a baby to full term. And I wanted a baby more than anything else. If I didn’t have that, then what was the point of anything? I felt depressed, and I didn’t want to talk to or see anybody except Cory. I kept going to church, but I tried my best not to talk to people there. Other than that once-per-week excursion, I tried to stay in the house as much as possible.

Soon, my depression turned into anger. I was angry at God, but more than that, I felt betrayed by him. Why would he let this happen? More importantly, why should I trust him if he lets things like this happen to me? It seemed just plain stupid to believe that he would protect me and always stay by my side, in light of losing our baby. If that was the result of God loving me, then his love really didn’t seem very valuable. I began to question all of my beliefs.

I was lucky to have family and friends who stuck with me during this time. Many of them seemed to understand perfectly what I needed; they let me be, and gave me subtle love and encouragement. The reminded me that they were there to talk if I needed it, and that was perfect for me. Others were well-meaning, but I’ll just say this; when somebody is grieving, one of the worst things you can do is to tell them how to do it (and for me, one of the others is to act like nothing is wrong). I’m very thankful that most of the people in my life were wise and gracious enough to just let me feel how I felt.

After my two weeks of grief, anger, and confusion, I reached a place where I wanted answers. I started googling some of the “tough questions” to see what other Christians believed. Around that time, my pastor called me to see how I was doing, and offered to meet with me and Cory if we wanted to. We decided that it could help, so we set it up.

Before that meeting, I found some answers through my own research that I thought were good enough. Basically, I came to the conclusion that although God is good, we are still subject to bad things that happen to us in this lifetime. I explained that to myself by reasoning that we are in a broken world; right now, the devil is running things on planet Earth. Things are this way because the human race has chosen sin instead of choosing God. My hope came from the knowledge that Jesus died and rose again, which broke the power of sin in the lives of all people who believe in him. Unfortunately, that apparently didn’t mean we were saved from any of the bad stuff in this lifetime.

When Cory and I went to meet with our pastor, he gently presented a different view. It was simple; God is good, and he only wills good things. When something tragic like a miscarriage happens, it isn’t God’s will, not directly nor indirectly. (Although he will still use it for the good of those who love him.) Yet these things happen, even to believers. Why? Because we have an enemy. One of my favorite Bible verses is John 10:10, and it sums this up pretty beautifully: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

I didn’t fully grasp what my pastor had meant until later that night. He and his wife had gotten me a book called Supernatural Childbirth, which he gave it to me at our meeting. I was still processing what we’d talked about when I sat down to read it that night. Although the book is primarily about using faith during pregnancy and childbirth, it was easy for me to see how the concepts could be applied to every area of my life. Suddenly, everything started to make sense.

The Bible is full of promises from God, for those of us who know and love him. And it all starts with this one key fact; Jesus broke the curse of sin and death when he died and rose again. Because of his amazing sacrifice, we are free. The Bible makes it pretty clear that our freedom involves not only our souls, but our bodies and our lives in this world. Yes, the most amazing gift that God gave us was the gift of eternal salvation through Jesus. What gift could be better or more important? Yet he didn’t stop there. Jesus died to give us even more; he came so that we could have life, and have it abundantly.

For the past two weeks, Cory and I have been learning what this means. We’re learning how to fight using our faith and God’s word. I plan to write a more in-depth post about this concept later, because there’s a lot more to it and I’m still learning more all of the time. But I want to end with the simple idea that God is good, his will is good, and through Jesus, all things are possible.

I have an amazing sense of hope now, because I know that God will meet me where my faith is. The sky is the limit. For the time being, Cory and I are aiming for babies, and I know now without a doubt that we will be parents. The only question is when. Of course, that doesn’t worry me one bit because I know that the answer is “in God’s perfect timing.”