*Note: I previously used the pseudonym “Jay” for RJ. So if you see the name Jay anywhere, don’t let it confuse you. It’s the same guy. 😉
I’ve been requested to write a post introducing my readers to my boyfriend, RJ, so here it is!
But before I get into that, I wanted to reiterate some things. If you read my last post, you know that Cory and I have decided to permanently separate. What this means for us is that we’re still best friends and life partners, and even “nesting partners” in many ways, but I also have my own apartment now and we are no longer a couple in a romantic way.
To be clear, this decision to separate has nothing to do with Jay. Well, technically it has something to do with him, because he was basically a catalyst for me to realize that my feelings for Cory are purely platonic. But I’m not leaving Cory for Jay—because I could have continued both relationships and everybody would have been happy and fine with that! We were/are polyamorous, after all.
But anyway. I know that this is a surprising thing to realize after 10 years of marriage and 14 years as a couple, that my feelings are not romantic like I thought they were all this time. But the thing is, people change and grow. Sometimes they can change and grow together as Cory and I have for many years, but sometimes they also grow in ways that are no longer compatible. Whether I have always felt platonic love for Cory, or whether it changed somewhere along the way is something I’m still analyzing, but ultimately the result is the same. We are not in love in a romantic sense, and we still love each other and care for each other deeply, but we no longer fit together as a couple.
This change isn’t a tragedy to us. We don’t see it as a sad thing or a failed marriage, but a beautiful chapter that has ended. We can celebrate it for what it was, while still moving forward onto other chapters in both of our lives.
For our family, this means I still spend my days at the house taking care of the kids, and then after Cory finishes work for the day we have a rotating schedule of some nights where he has the kids, some where I have them, and some where we spend the evening together as a family. I always go back to my apartment after the kids are in bed, where I can have time to myself, and on the weekends we both have time with the kids as well as time to ourselves. Our priority is making this change non-traumatic and comfortable for the kids, and so far, we’ve been successful at that.
Now, more about RJ!
So I met RJ while I was doing the poly dating thing, and he was guy #8 I went out with, out of ten. There were also other guys I talked to but never went out with. It was a very busy six weeks from when I decided to be poly to when I met RJ!
The two guys I went out with after him didn’t turn into anything serious, so he’s the last man standing in that sense. And since I met him, I truly haven’t wanted anybody else anyway, so it works out. We have now essentially become monogamous with each other by choice.
We met the way I met all of my other dating partners, through online dating and specifically OkCupid. He sent me an intro message, and the funny thing about this is that he doesn’t usually do that. He said that when he saw my profile he just knew he had to meet me.
The other funny thing about that is I didn’t always look at my intro messages. I got a lot of messages from matches alone, and intro messages are from people who you haven’t matched with yet. The way that the intro messages work is that you can only see one at a time, so you don’t get to move on to the next one until you either accept or decline the current one. The fact that I just so happened to decide to look at my intro messages that day, and that I just so happened to decline a few of them in order to get to RJ’s message, still feels like such a fateful series of events. It could have so easily happened that we never connected online, but thankfully, we did.
Not only that, but RJ decided to go big or go home on his intro message, and that’s the main reason I decided to respond to it.
In my profile, I had a sentence asking people to please mention manatees if they send me a message, so that I could know that they actually read my profile. That helped a lot to weed out guys who weren’t even willing to put in the two minutes to learn about me before sending me a message!
So RJ’s first message to me went something like this:
“When I see your face, it makes me want to write you love letters until you fall in love with me, and then we’ll go searching for manatees together.”
It was so silly and over the top that I just had to respond!
As soon as we started talking, we hit it off. We talked about everything from “what’s better, coffee or tea?” to “what are you looking for in a relationship right now?” We were both polyamorous, married, and parents. Our connection was instant and amazing!
We planned a date for the very next night, and by the time we met in person, we’d already been talking nonstop (well, other than pausing to sleep!) for more than 24 hours. We’ve talked every day since then, never going longer than a couple of hours between messages.
Our first date was on September 14th at Lazy Dog. We chose a location halfway in between us, since we live about an hour and a half apart. We met pretty late at night, and got snacks and talked for a long time. Then we made out in my car, as was my custom on dates. 😉
The first time we kissed will always be a powerful memory in my mind. It was magical, and it started a fire of love and passion that we’ve only continued to grow since then.
Our second date was simply me inviting him to my house, which was the next night. He met Cory, and we played board games, then of course we had alone time and were able to get to know each other on a much more intimate level. That night also will always be a very powerful memory for me. It’s the night I really fell in love with him!
Of course, even though I felt what I felt, I was hesitant to truly admit it, even to myself, at that point because it was so fast. I’d known him for less than 36 hours, and I didn’t know him well enough at that point to fully trust that he was genuine with his intentions. I wanted to trust him, but I was still scared because I’d been hurt a few times already by guys I’d dated at that point.
Needless to say, things have only progressed since those first dates. We both fell in love very quickly, and we said those words to each other a week and a half after meeting.
There are so many things to love about RJ. He’s a hopeless romantic, like me. He’s an amazing partner—very considerate, affectionate, supportive, and loving. He’s fun to be around because he’s super silly and also adventurous. He’s emotionally intelligent, and also just intelligent in general. He’s ambitious and capable. He’s a wonderful dad, and loves animals.
We enjoy a lot of things in common, too. He likes writing, watching TV and movies, eating yummy food, camping, going on walks with his dog, and listening to music. Of course, there are also ways that we’re very different. I’m very neat and organized, and I’m big on planning. He’s a bit messy, and he’s more of a dreamer than a planner. He also loves coffee, while I was more of a tea person before I met him—but he’s brought me over to his side of things in that regard! He also brought me over to the dark side when I went from being a stubborn Android user to a happy user of Apple products, because of his influence. 😉
RJ works in IT, and he does a lot of different things within that industry. Some of what he does is coding, and some of what he does is more project management, and then there are other things he does that I just don’t fully understand how to label. So I just simply say that he works in IT, and he does really well for himself and his family.
On that note, he’s currently also in the middle of separating from his wife. This, also, isn’t because of me, although I did act as a catalyst for him just as he did for me. For him, it’s been years in the making and there are more problematic dynamics at play in his marriage. Nevertheless, he hopes to have a good, friendly and caring relationship with his soon-to-be-ex-wife in the future.
His daughter is the most important factor to him in all of this, as she should be. He is doing everything he can to ensure that she is as happy and well-cared for as possible, and that he continues to be heavily involved in her life.
As a couple, RJ and I are I it for the long haul. We have plans to live together soon, and we can both see a future of loving each other for the rest of our lives. He is my life partner, lover, boyfriend, and soul mate. (I still consider Cory my life partner and platonic soul mate as well!)
So that’s pretty much everything about RJ and how my life looks with him in it. We’ve been together for over four months now, and we see each other about every other day. Every day our love grows more mature. I can’t imagine my life without him now, and I hope I never have to.
P.S. Would you look at how cute he is? Just look! *heart eyes*