Things are changing all the time. Little things, big things, planned, unexpected, and ignored things… nothing stays the same in life. And I may have mentioned this at some point in one of my blog posts before, but I’ll say it again; I love change.
I don’t know if it’s because of my relatively turbulent childhood or some psychological imbalance or just my personality or what, but I do know that I get bored very quickly. I burn out easily at work and school, I look for ways to make small (and big) changes in my life, and I find it hard to be satisfied in one place for too long. Honestly, one of the only things that I’ve never gotten sick of is my husband, and I think that is truly a miracle from God. Other than that, commitment seems to be a definite struggle for me.
Even in my relationship with God, I have yet to find a permanent solution to the ebb and flow of my spiritual health. I go from being super close to the Lord to feeling distant and apathetic. It’s a cycle that I continuously seem to follow and appear unable to control. Even in the worst of times, though, I’ve never thought about leaving Jesus for something else, and that is all because of Him. He will never let me go, and I’m thankful for that. But still, I know that I’m not living up to the promises that He has to offer for a full and joy-filled life. Unfortunately, that is something that I am still working through and may continue to work through for a very long time.
Besides affecting my relationship with God, my constant need for change and lack of staying power is often burdensome in other areas of my life as well. But whether it’s a blessing (because life is going to change on me a lot) or a curse (because some things in life are meant to be long-term), it is what it is. This is how I am. I am the girl who needs change. And right now, my husband and I are on the verge of making a big change that might be the first one I can remember in a long time that actually has some sting to it.
Recently, my husband has decided to leave school and pursue starting his own business. With that decision comes the fact that, if his business succeeds, he will be receiving a decent salary from it. It also means that we won’t be going to study abroad in Spain, because even if his business doesn’t work out and he needs to return to school, he would be finishing his degree at a different college. All of this to say that we are no longer tied down to our current location either financially or through school, and once his business is off the ground we will be ready to buy a house wherever we want.
We deliberated a long time about our options: building a dome house as we originally planned in either California, Arizona, or perhaps even Tennessee; buying a condo in Orange County, where we currently live; or buying a house within our budget, which automatically ruled out Orange County. Right now, we are pretty certain that we will be buying a house in Riverside County within the next four months. We found a city that we really like with plenty of nice houses for sale, and we have just started the process of seriously searching for the right one.
We’re really excited about this! The more I think about it, the more I feel that I was made to be a mother and a wife, primarily. I’m so excited to be that much closer to having our own house where we can start a family in a few years. And while the location that we’ve chosen is pretty optimal because it’s not too far from our family and friends (only an hour and a half to two hours), it just started to hit me last night that it would mean saying goodbye to a lot of things that I love. Namely, my church, my small group, and possibly my friends will all be either no longer part of my life or greatly diminished (because how often are we really going to see each other when we live over an hour away?) When I realized that I’d be saying goodbye to so much, my heart broke a little. How can I leave my church, the only church I’ve ever been to where I feel like I belong? How can I leave my small group, those girls who have become my sisters and closest friends? How can I be okay with not seeing my friends except on rare occasions? None of these questions have easy answers.
As my husband and I journey through the next several months, we’ll be working towards our goal of owning a home together and becoming even more independent as a family of two. There will be moments of excitement, and many things to look forward to. But there will also be pain, and trying to say goodbye to things that mean so much to us. This is what change is all about. It’s exciting and joyful, but also and difficult and sad. The only consolation is that I know that it is all part of God’s master plan for us. I know that this is one step on the road leading to awesome things for my husband and I, and that keeps me feeling optimistic. I can’t wait to see what He has in store!