That’s Rad: Part 2

In my last post, I wrote about the concept of radical acceptance. To summarize, this is a philosophy I try to embrace in my life, which entails offering love, acceptance, forgiveness, grace, and a growth-oriented mindset to other people in your life, as well as yourself. In a partnership, radical acceptance means choosing to love your partner and accept them no matter what. 

In my relationship, the dynamics between me and my partner can be challenging because we both have ADHD, we’re both empaths, and we both have unhealthy stress responses at times. 

ADHD can make emotional regulation quite challenging. We have big feelings, sometimes about things that seem small, and we can be impulsive when it comes to expressing and acting on those emotions. For my partner, it frequently manifests as him being grumpy and irritable, sometimes for no reason that I am even aware of. If he’s hungry, tired, overstimulated, distracted, stressed out, or anxious, then everybody around him will be able to see that he’s not happy. He might snap at people more easily, get irritated at little things, or be sulky and sullen. 

As an empath, I have a big problem with taking responsibility for other people’s feelings. When it comes to the people I love and care for the most, the desire to make everyone happy is often overpowering. Part of that comes from being able to feel others’ feelings, which naturally makes me want to fix it so we can all feel better. I’m also a people-pleaser, and I will put everyone else’s wants and needs ahead of my own because that’s what feels safest to me. If someone is grumpy, you can bet I will be desperately trying to diffuse them, or if all else fails, escape the situation before things get worse. 

As you can imagine, having all of these complex dynamics in play can make things difficult in my marriage. My husband gets grumpy, which makes me feel sad or scared, and I try to fix it. But his stress response is avoidance, and he won’t talk to me about what’s bothering him. This causes me to shut down, or even sends me into a death-spiral of negative thoughts and despair. To put it most simply, I take my partner’s feelings personally, and that has very harmful effects on my own emotional state. 

But in choosing radical acceptance of my partner, I can accept his moods as momentary instead of something that I need to fix. I can radically accept not only him, but his feelings. That means noticing and acknowledging them without judgment and without trying to fix them.

When I say “without trying to fix them,” I don’t mean that there isn’t a place for constructive criticism. It would be silly to live with something that frustrates you about your partner without at least letting them know that it bothers you. In loving relationships, this must be approached with a high level of sensitivity and consideration. The goal should always be to protect your connection and strengthen your relationship while trying to address something you’d prefer to be different. 

But the word “fix” implies that something is broken. It also is an action word, something that you do to something. Just because you are annoyed or even hurt by someone’s behavior doesn’t mean that they are broken, and it is never our job to fix someone else. We can’t change their behavior for them, after all. We can only advocate for ourselves and our preferences, and allow them the chance to adjust accordingly if they wish. 

Regardless of our differences and imperfections, our partners need to know that we accept them fully. We can see their flaws as a part of them that we hope will improve over time, but that doesn’t detract from their value to us. We love them, flaws and all. It doesn’t mean we love the flaws—or that we are okay with our boundaries being violated. But we choose to love our partner, unconditionally. 

Unconditional love does not mean we don’t have boundaries. Boundaries are for our protection. Because while it’s not okay for our partners to hurt us, the reality is that everybody hurts others at times, and everybody gets hurt by others in life. It’s unescapable, and it’s inevitable that at times our partners will hurt us and vice versa. Trying to avoid being hurt at all costs and cut off any relationship that isn’t perfect would mean choosing to be alone. 

That’s why boundaries are so important. They keep us safe! Before you can expect someone to honor your boundaries, you first need to define them for yourself and then communicate them to the other person. It isn’t fair to blame somebody for crossing a boundary when they weren’t even aware that it existed. In short, we need to decide what we are okay with, and we are not okay with. We also need to sort out which things are our preferences, and which are our non-negotiable boundaries.

Preferences are not deal-breakers. They are things that frustrate or annoy us or bother us. It is good and healthy to communicate these things to our partners in a kind way, because oftentimes they are willing and able to make small changes to improve for us; we should be willing to do the same for them, of course. If they aren’t willing or able to change those things, that’s where radical acceptance comes in. 

Boundaries are more serious. They involve defining treatment that we won’t accept, and the consequences for those who violate them. 

Some boundaries that I have are the following: I won’t accept being talked down to, being yelled at, being blamed for things that are not my fault, or being snapped at. I won’t accept my partner storming out and ignoring me. I won’t accept being criticized in a way that is intentionally hurtful and/or not constructive. 

When I say that I “won’t accept” something, it doesn’t mean that I will end our relationship. It just means that I will call it out, and then take space as needed. I won’t be around energy that is making me feel badly; I will either physically leave or create a safe mental space by pausing the conversation and doing something else by myself. I also won’t fake affection. If I’m feeling disconnected from my partner, I won’t act like everything is fine. I require resolution of the issue before I am willing to interact with him on that level.

In my marriage, the key here is that my withdrawal, whether physical or emotional, is temporary. Even when I have to step away to enforce a boundary, I don’t try to punish him by making him afraid that I am not coming back. He knows that I am ready to work with him on our disagreement or issue as soon as we are both in a good headspace to do so. 

In other relationships, like with acquaintances, friends, or extended family members, the consequences might be different. Violating some boundaries actually could lead to me ending a relationship. Sometimes that is the healthiest thing to do. But for the people whom I love, I want to try to preserve the relationship whenever possible. Using boundaries where they are needed and radical acceptance for the rest is a great way to accomplish that without letting resentment build up. 

When conflicts arise with others, including my partner, I try to use the perspective of asking myself “What would I rather them do?” and “Is that a reasonable expectation?” as well as “What can I do to be constructive in this situation?”

For example, say that I’m frustrated that my partner has not done a chore that he agreed to do. I am annoyed because I don’t want to have to be his manager or nag him to do things that he should be able to do on his own. He isn’t being a co-equal contributor to our household. 

So what would I rather him do? I would rather him do his agreed-upon chores in a timely manner without me having to remind him. Is that a reasonable expectation? For many people, it would be. But for my partner, who has ADHD, it is much more of a challenge. 

I have a few choices here. I could passive-aggressively hint that he hasn’t done his chore. “Ugh, it would be nice if we had some clean dishes.” I could tell him aggressively. “For the love of God, do the damn dishes!” Or, I could tell him calmly and assertively how I feel about the situation and what I would like from him. “I feel frustrated because I noticed that the dishes have really piled up, and it’s your turn to do them. I hate that I have to remind you so often. It makes me feel like your mother instead of your wife.”

That last option is perfectly valid. However. 

Radical acceptance takes it a step further. Instead, I check my own expectations, offer empathy, and then I just… let it go. I ask myself why it feels like a negative thing to have to remind him. I remember that this is an issue of mine that I am trying to work on—being willing to be assertive as well as ask other people for help. 

I remember that he is neurodivergent and any ideas of what things “should be” like don’t really matter as long as we have a system that works for us. So the thing that I can do to be most constructive and functional in this situation is to simply remind him. I let go of the frustration, resentment, annoyance, or whatever negative feelings I was having; I can do that because I examined the underlying thoughts behind those feelings, and reframed them. “Babe, can you do the dishes tonight please?” 

It’s quite simple, when you think about it.

I also think it’s important to resist the temptation to let an issue or an event become bigger than it is. Even if it’s a recurring issue, it probably isn’t a deal-breaker for the relationship. 

The chore-related conflict I described is not an uncommon occurrence for me. It’s something that happens regularly. And there are plenty of other conflicts or disappointments in my marriage that happen regularly as well. He’s not perfect, and neither am I. Because of these things, I could choose to label him as an asshole. I could begin building a case, consciously or subconsciously, for why he’s a bad partner and our relationship is never going to survive the long haul. I could despair and emotionally withdraw from him. To be honest, sometimes I do find myself starting to do any and all of these things in my initial reaction.

But when I’m clear-headed, the path that I would much rather take is radical acceptance. I could recognize that the issue we’re struggling with is a flaw of his or mine or both, and that it is one of the challenges we face as partners. But there are also so many things that I love about him and our relationship. I know that if we work together, with time and patience, we can overcome these things together. 

It’s easy to blame the other person for conflicts, but it’s also important to honestly examine your own role in the problem. Are you overreacting to something because it is a trigger for you? Are your expectations realistic, taking into consideration your partner’s uniqueness and the context of the situation? Have you clearly communicated this preference or boundary to them?

I know that as an empath, I am affected more than “normal” by subtle shifts in my partner’s mood. What one person might consider barely a thing, to me feels like a punch in the gut. That isn’t his fault, and it’s something I need to take into account before I jump to the conclusion that he needs to change something. 

In partnership, communication is so important. When something is bothering me, I need to talk to my partner about it. This is easier said than done because when I’m hurt, it can be scary to let the person who hurt me know. It feels vulnerable. It can be uncomfortable to give them the chance to defend themselves when I know that what they did was wrong. It can feel upsetting to have to spell it out for them when it’s so obvious to me. But talking about it is often the only way to find resolution.

Listening is equally important, if not more. I need to invite my partner to talk it out with me and to share his perspective. I need to listen without interrupting, trying to defend myself, or planning my response. Only after both of us have shared our thoughts and feelings can we move on to problem solving together. We become a team, working towards a common goal. 

Radical acceptance helps with all of these things. It helps me to express myself more fully, because I have self-love and I am confident in advocating for myself. It helps me to listen more sincerely, because I’m focused on how I can love my partner best. It helps me to be quick to forgive, because I know that neither of us are perfect and that’s okay. It helps me to let go of things that are over now, because the past is past and we can only move forward. 

Above all, I remind myself about how much I love him and the life that we’ve built together. Things aren’t always and won’t always be as hard as they are in the bad moments. No matter what, we are in this together, through thick and thin—forever. 

That’s Rad

I am a type A personality.

This can mean a variety of things to different people, so let me break it down as to what this looks like for me.

I like things a certain way. I like things clean, organized, and sanitary. I wouldn’t consider myself a perfectionist though—that part of me had to die when I had kids because believe me, nothing is ever perfectly clean, organized, or sanitary. I’m lucky if things can be mostly clean, organized, and sanitary for at least some of the time.

But anyway.

I also want things to make sense and be clear. I put a lot of effort, energy, and thought into most of the things I do, say, and believe. I really do try to do my best at everything and be a good person. I always try to do the right thing.

Being this way can at times make me feel a bit frazzled by people who aren’t the same way. People who aren’t as methodical, or organized, or considerate—they can be incredibly irritating to me. When people like that are just living their own lives and it isn’t affecting me, that’s one thing. I couldn’t care less, so long as they aren’t hurting others. But when I’m around people who are not quite up to my personal standards, and they’re directly affecting me and my life (even in seemingly small ways), I can easily get overwhelmed and frustrated.

The sense of helplessness is what gets me. I feel helpless because I know that I’m doing my best, but the other person clearly isn’t, and this is causing problems for me that I have no way to fix. I can only keep my side of the street clean—so when the street is a mess despite my best efforts, because other people aren’t doing their part… well, that’s a sucky feeling.

I’m trying to survive in a world where everything isn’t always as it should be, because other people tend to… well, suck. I have to consciously remind myself that I am not responsible for other people’s behavior or feelings or opinions. I have to remind myself that other people are going to do whatever they are going to do, and I have to be able to roll with the punches.

As such, one of my mottos in life is that you can’t control others; you can only control yourself.

This all feeds into a philosophy I try to embrace in my life, which I like to call “radical acceptance.”

I have not heard this term anywhere else. I came up with it to conceptualize a philosophy that I’ve been trying to cultivate in my life. In a nutshell, radical acceptance means seeing the good in people and circumstances while also accepting the bad parts without judgment. For strangers or general people in our lives, it means being non-judgmental, forgiving, and compassionate. For ourselves and the people close to us, it means choosing to love and support unconditionally. For our circumstances, it means finding gratitude and remaining hopeful without requiring perfection.

Radical acceptance means choosing to accept others with all their differences, faults, and flaws. It often means choosing to forgive things that are unfair, unkind, or uncool. It means giving grace instead of harboring resentment. It means being the bigger person, without getting a big head. It means deescalating even when it would feel more satisfying to stick to my guns.

It means loving the people in your life just as they are, instead of needing to fix or change them to make them loveable. It means accepting yourself for who you are—the things you are good at, the things you struggle with, your quirks, your unique needs, your passions and interests, and everything else that makes you who you are. 

To put it most simply, radical acceptance means letting go. To radically accept someone or something, you must let go of control and the need to change or fix it. It is what it is, and you accept that. Or, to put it another way, radical acceptance means caring less about things that don’t truly matter.

Trying to be a person who embraces radical acceptance is challenging for me. I idealize it, though, because I have come to realize that a lot of my life is spent focused on fixing. I see problems with myself, with others, with things in my life, and I immediately go into fixing mode. I want to solve the problem, make changes, and make it better. In theory this sounds like a good thing, but in reality, I have found it to be exhausting, defeating, and depressing. It is not easy for me to simply accept imperfection and sit in it. It’s against every instinct I have.

But the urge to continuously improve is not bringing me happiness. It’s bringing me hopelessness, more than anything. Life will never be anything close to perfect. Even at the point in my life where things were outwardly the most perfect that I could have imagined, I wasn’t truly happy. I had an easy and happy marriage, three wonderful kids, a gorgeous house, financial stability, time and energy to work on my writing, reasonable support to pursue my hobbies and interests, a secure plan for my future, good relationships with my extended family, a sense of community and friendship in my day-to-day life… basically everything that makes up a “good life” was there. But it wasn’t enough. I was at the summit and there was nowhere to go but down. And so down I went.

My life now is much further from “perfect,” although beautiful in its own way. Still, I often find myself wondering if I ruined my life with the choices I made. But the truth that’s even scarier to admit is that regardless of my circumstances, I have never really been satisfied. Nothing is ever enough, and I am afraid it never will be. Why? Maybe because I haven’t learned to just accept things as they are without trying to change them.

Radical acceptance is possibly just a desperate ploy to stop the endless reaching. Will it work? I have no idea. In a lot of ways it feels like defeat, complacency, and giving up on ever being happy. And this is why I have spent months working on this post trying to gather my thoughts enough to put together something coherent. Because what am I even trying to say?

But I think what I’m trying to say is that I suspect this idea of radical acceptance just might be the key to me finding peace. Because even though it may seem like “giving up” in some ways, it’s really more about giving up things that don’t truly matter so that I can better focus on the things that do. I want to do my best in life, and I want to believe that most people are probably doing the same. And I want that to be enough.

It is so hard to truly believe that I am enough, and that other people are enough, and that my circumstances are enough. Because other people can really suck sometimes, and circumstances can really suck sometimes, and if we’re being honest then the truth is that I can really suck sometimes too.

Anyone who has seen the new Inside Out movie can probably understand what I mean when I say that I want it to be true that I am a good person even with my flaws. “I am a good person,” is a powerful belief, and shouldn’t be incompatible with the multitude of facets we all have within us. I am kind and I am mean and I am smart and I am stupid and I am brave and I am scared… but I am still a good person, right? Right?!

But much like Riley in the movie, I am finding it difficult to accept myself as a good person because the loudest voice in my head is telling me that I’m not good enough. That’s where radical acceptance comes into play. If I can just embrace that, I could maybe hold onto the believe that I am good enough. Not just good enough, but good and enough.

The reality is that nobody can be expected to do better than their best. And only I can know if I am doing my best. Maybe the point is that we all need to stay in our own lane, because we are in no place to judge other people in that regard. So instead of passing judgment, we can just accept. We can accept ourselves and others as worthy of love, and forgiveness, and the opportunity to keep growing.

For practical purposes, boundaries are what we use to keep ourselves and others safe, but we don’t have to apply a value judgment when we set a boundary. We can say “I won’t let this person do this to me (or others); this is my boundary and the consequence for breaking it will be ____.” We can say that without saying “you broke my boundary, so you are not acceptable. Nobody should love you, forgive you, or care about you. You are a bad person.” Sure, saying those things might feel good because they make us feel powerful against those who make us feel powerless. But that isn’t our place, is it?

Certainly we don’t need to love and forgive everyone, and especially not those who have hurt us. But we can accept the situation; accept what happened, and that it’s over, and that we don’t have to stay there anymore. We can accept that they are who they are, and that it’s really none of our business whether they are doing their best or not, because we are moving on and away from them.

Boundaries are really what makes radical acceptance a safe and healthy option. Respectfully setting and enforcing boundaries is vital to caring for yourself and avoiding co-dependence; because radical acceptance shouldn’t mean becoming a doormat, accepting injustice, or being complacent.

The goal of radical acceptance is not to give up or give in, but to keep moving forward, propelled by tenacious peace that comes from within. That is peace that is not fragile or dependent on external forces. That is peace that nobody and nothing can take away.