In Philip Yancey’s book, Prayer, he mentions the idea that prayer is a lot like sex. (I bet I’ve got your attention now!) I can’t help but agree.

Think about it— in the movies, on TV, in books, and in songs, sex sounds amazing. Not only is it always fun and exciting, but it is also easy and satisfying. For some people in real life, this is a reflection of reality. For most people, though, sex is much more complicated and often less wonderful. I hope that the majority of people have experienced or will one day experience God’s intended plan for sex— sex in a committed and loving relationship that is intimate, connective, satisfying, and fun. But even if this is the case, I feel fairly certain that sex isn’t like that the majority of the time for the majority of people.

Prayer is the same way. When people in movies, on television, in books and in songs pray, they are eloquent or beautifully simple. Their prayers are meaningful and deep. And in the end, prayer leaves them feeling deeply fulfilled or at least leads them to some great discovery. In real life, though, prayer isn’t always like that. Prayer can feel monotonous, empty, useless, enraging, disappointing, and ridiculous at times. Prayer may have the potential to be wonderful, but the daily reality for many people falls short.

I hope that in some small way, God can use me to change that. Even if just one person reads this and learns something from it that improves their prayer life, I will be satisfied. Because the truth is, prayer is a gift from God (just like sex!) and learning how to do it may be the most important thing that a person can do.

So what is the right way to pray? There is no right way! Instead, I am convinced that prayer was designed to be diverse, a reflection of the people doing it. God created each person to be unique, so why should prayer styles be any different? The way I see it, there are only two requirements for prayer— authenticity and presence. No matter how you pray, it should be honest and you should bring your whole self. The fact is, God knows, sees, and understands everything about you whether you acknowledge it or not. Prayer is all about relationship and intimacy with God, and being yourself is a key ingredient to finding fulfillment through it.

There are so many different ways to pray, and they are all the right way. Many people pray in a fairly traditional style; they sit or kneel, bow their heads, close their eyes, and talk to God. There are a vast number of alterations just to this style of prayer alone! Some people stand, some lay down, some bow with their faces to the ground. Some speak aloud, some whisper, and some think the words in their heads. There are many styles of prayer beyond these, though. For some people, prayer is best done on their drive to work, on a daily hike through nature, or as they fold the laundry. Some people journal; others sing. For some people, prayer doesn’t even involve words— they prefer to sit quietly and just bask in the presence of God, perhaps letting thoughts flow freely from their mind to God’s without ever articulating them. All of these are perfectly valid ways to pray, and they are beautiful to God.

Finding a way to pray that suits you is a wonderful way to honor the unique personality that God gave you. He loves you for exactly who you are, and He designed you to pray as yourself, not somebody else. I strongly encourage you to find a way to pray that suits you! However you feel you can be connected to God, both mentally present and authentic, is a great way to go. Prayer is meant to be a spiritual, mental, emotional, and relational retreat into a special place with God, and that can happen anywhere and anyway that it works for you.

I encourage exploration for anybody who is seeking a more fulfilling prayer life. Formulaic prayers from the Bible can be the most satisfying way for some people to pray. The Lord’s Prayer, the Psalms, prayers from Biblical figures, and prayers from Jesus Himself can all be helpful examples. Some people may prefer to meditate on the words of these prayers from the Bible, or perhaps follow their formulas to create similar prayers in their own words. These methods can be helpful for new believers who are just learning how to pray and for any people who want to explore different styles of prayer. They can also be useful during times when prayer or connecting with God becomes more difficult— sometimes called “seasons of spiritual dryness.” Some people may even find that formulaic or classical Biblical prayers are their preferred method of praying all of the time, and that is perfectly fine too.

It is important to know that as life experiences change, so do we. Likewise, our most effective ways of praying can change throughout life. For me, prayer was once best accomplished through journaling and writing my prayers to God like letters. At another point in my life, I felt more connected to God when I sat by myself and listened to worship music, reflecting on the lyrics and finding peace in God’s presence. Now, I have found that the most effective way of praying for me is to write a simple list of requests and another list of things that I am thankful for, and then sit quietly with my eyes closed and focus on connecting with God. As my life changes, I am sure that my favorite style of praying will change too. It can be helpful to periodically reassess your spiritual health to determine how well you are connecting with God and if necessary, make positive changes.

Sometimes, even when we have found our most optimal way of praying, problems can creep into our prayer lives to mess things up. Feeling unworthy, feeling like you’re “doing it wrong,” and dealing with distractions are some common problems, but I think that there is a simple way to handle them; relax. God hears all prayers, no matter how unworthy you feel or how badly executed you think they are. There is no need to over think the process of prayer— it’s as simple as being yourself in front of God. If you feel unworthy, then tell Him. Remember that nobody is worthy of God’s love, but that He gives it freely anyway. If you were worthy, then you wouldn’t need Him and you wouldn’t be praying in the first place.

If you get distracted easily, then you can try to eliminate as many of the distractions as possible. Silence your cell phone, jot down extraneous thoughts that come to mind if you don’t want to forget them, ask your spouse to watch the kids and then retreat into your bedroom and lock the door if necessary. Some distractions can be turned into prayers; for instance, if you can’t stop thinking about some problem at work then why not pray about it? God wants to know what is on your mind, and when you pray for things that are on your mind then you will likely feel much less distracted. Praying for things that you think you should pray for is silly anyway, because God knows when your heart isn’t in it.

The last piece of advice that I’d like to give you is to never give up. Everybody feels discouraged and empty at times, especially in their relationships with God. Prayer is a discipline, and learning to do it consistently even when you don’t feel like it is analogous to exercise. The more you work out, the fitter you will become, and the easier exercising will be. Don’t neglect to exercise your spiritual muscles! I believe that prayer becomes more fulfilling the more you do it. Even on your worst days when you have no words to say to God, you can rest assured that if you show up in prayer and bare your soul to Him, then He will hear you. The Bible tells us that the Holy Spirit prays on our behalf when we cannot pray for ourselves, and if we can have the faith to just “show up,” as Yancey puts it, then that brings us one step closer to pulling through to the other side.

Prayer is the heart of a relationship with God. I hope that this series has been helpful and that you never stop growing on your journey with the Lord!

“Prayer invites us to rest in the fact that God is in control, and the world’s problems are ultimately God’s, not ours. If I spend enough time with God, I will inevitably begin to look at the world with a point of view that more resembles God’s own. What is faith, after all, but believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse?”

From Prayer: Does it Make Any Difference? By Philip Yancey