Parental Guidance Suggested – Part 3

In my last post, I wrote about alternatives to punishment and the benefits of positive discipline. Today I want to address some of my thoughts on related topics, including time-outs, tantrums, and considerations regarding the age, temperament, and ability of a child.

Time-out has such a friendly ring to it. It’s the “gentle way” to punish children, and many people use it as a way to enforce good behavior. But does time-out actually work? And is it really as positive as it sounds?

As I explained in my last post, punishment is different than discipline and I believe that the latter is much preferred. When we punish children, we pay them back for misbehavior and teach them to behave based on external motivation. When we positively guide and discipline children, we teach them to make better decisions based on internal motivation— they learn to do good because they want to, or at the very least because they know that it’s the right thing to do. Positive discipline supports a child’s need for a sense of security by teaching them right from wrong, and seeks to promote good behavior. Punishment aims to improve children’s behavior as well, but it can often lead to rebellion and resentment. I believe that positive discipline is the way to go when it comes to guiding children.

As innocent as it may seem, time-out is almost always used as a form of punishment. Children talk back to their parents, hit others, refuse to listen, or throw their toys, and adults retaliate by telling them to sit in time-out. “You sit here for five minutes and think about what you did.” Does that usually end with the child apologizing willingly and then changing the bad behavior? Not in my experience. Whenever I’ve resorted to time-out it has only made the child behave worse or throw a tantrum. Or it’s a battle to actually get the kid to stay in the “time-out chair” for any period of time. So what’s going on? Isn’t time-out supposed to be better than spanking or other physical punishment?

Well, yes and no. If you ask me, time-out is absolutely preferable to physical punishment, which can be harmful in more than one way. But time-out is still punishment, and I believe that punishment is not the best way to discipline children. It is negative and it has negative results. Instead, I would suggest using positive discipline strategies such as those I mentioned in my last post.

However, there are situations in which time-outs can be used positively, instead of as a punishment. Having a “cool-down” area in the home or classroom gives children a space in which to calm down when they become overly upset or out of control. This is particularly useful to combat tantrums. Children are emotionally immature and they have trouble controlling themselves when they feel strong emotions. Even as adults, we have trouble controlling ourselves when we become emotional! The result in children (and some adults :P) is usually a tantrum. We can deal with tantrums with the help of a time-out corner. However, it may be preferable to call it “cool-down” or “time-away” instead of time-out, since we do not want children to associate it with punishment.

When a toddler or a young child has a tantrum, an adult can gently but firmly move the child to the cool-down area. There, the adult can allow the child to cry, express frustration, sit quietly and think, or do whatever else that he or she needs to do to calm down. Some children may want the comfort of a caregiver’s physical touch, while others may want privacy. The important thing is that the child is able to calm down and regain control of his or her behavior. A cool-down area can also be available for any child to go to any time he or she feels the need. Sometimes, cool-down time may be more helpful for the caregiver than the child! In any case, this is obviously very different from the punishment known as time-out.

While we are on the topic of tantrums, I want to bring up the very important consideration of a child’s age. As I’ve said before, children want and need guidance in their lives, and discipline is important when caring for a child. That being said, there is an age limit for when discipline is appropriate! It is not appropriate (or useful) to try to teach an infant to behave. Before children reach age 2 or 3, they are not developed enough cognitively or emotionally to control their behavior, follow rules, or understand punishment. While I believe that punishment is never the best way to discipline, it is especially important to never punish a baby. They don’t understand, and it can be very harmful to their developing sense of trust in the world and in people.

For infants and young toddlers, the best method is to redirect inappropriate behavior. It’s not okay to stand by and let a toddler bang another kid on the head, so we should intervene to stop the behavior as gently as possible and redirect them towards another activity. As children grow older, it becomes appropriate to explain the rules at a level that they can understand, and gradually start to discipline them as they become ready to learn self-control.

Temperament is another important aspect to consider. Every child is different, and children do not always respond the same way to the same circumstances. A parent knows his or her child best, and can best determine which techniques are the most effective for positively disciplining that particular child. Some children may be motivated to change a behavior simply by an adult saying “It would be helpful if you did/didn’t do _____.” Other children may have to experience the natural consequences of their behavior— sometimes many times— before becoming motivated to change. Within one family or classroom, caregivers will need to learn to respond in the best way for each individual child.

Finally, it is necessary to consider a child’s abilities when disciplining him or her. Children who have disabilities or ability differences require special techniques in their discipline. Since each kind of disability is different, it is important for caregivers in these situations to learn about each child’s particular disability and needs. In general, though, it is important to recognize when a child’s behavior is due to his or her disability, versus when he or she is truly misbehaving and needs to be disciplined. We should never expect a child to behave in a way that is beyond his or her ability, but we also must strive to have as high of expectations as are reasonably possible for each child. As difficult a job as it is, we must adapt to the child’s needs, not the other way around.

Those are my thoughts on time-outs, tantrums, and special considerations. What do you think about these issues? Leave me a comment and share your thoughts!

In my next post, I will write about the special needs of infants and young toddlers in positive parenting. I hope you come back to read it! And if you like my blog, please subscribe to get updates by email. 🙂

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