I recently finished a child development class called Child Guidance, and I want to share some of the great things that I learned through it, and through all of the child development classes that I’ve taken over the last year or so. Even though I’m not a parent yet, I will be someday and I plan to use many of the things that I’ve learned to be the best parent that I can be. Personally, I think that every parent (and future parent) and every person who works with children or plans to should take a few classes in child development. Understanding the principles of how children develop and the best ways to guide them could seriously improve the lives of so many families, teachers, child-care workers, and children!

One of the first and most prevalent things that I have learned through these classes is the concept of parenting styles. Child development experts generally identify three to four types of parenting styles. They are called authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. Neglectful parenting style is sometimes lumped in with permissive, but many experts believe that they are two very different things, and I would have to agree. In neglectful parenting, the parents don’t care about the child’s well-being and do not put in effort to support, discipline, or in any way raise the child. This, of course, is a form of child abuse and should never be seen as a valid choice for parents; children whose parents are neglectful need help, and the parents need help too, to correct the problem.

In permissive parenting, the parents care about the child and put in effort to keep the child healthy and happy; however, they do not believe in discipline and they allow their child to do whatever he or she wants. Permissive parents believe that the child will find his or her own path in life, and they try to interfere as little as possible. At the other end of the spectrum is authoritarian parenting. Authoritarian parents want their children to respect their authority to the point of instant and blind obedience. They expect children to do as they are told and not voice their thoughts or opinions. They often use corporal (physical) punishment, such as spanking, to punish their children for misbehavior. It is important for me to clarify that most permissive and authoritarian parents love their children very much, and they choose their parenting style (usually without making a conscious decision) because they believe that it is what is best for their child. These parents are not bad parents; they are simply misguided and have likely never been told (or have not believed) that there is a better way.

The research is pretty clear, though, that there is a better way. The authoritative parenting style is sort of like a middle ground between permissive and authoritarian styles. In authoritative parenting, the parents establish reasonable guidelines for behavior and expect the child to follow them. They are more democratic than authoritarian parents, as they allow the child to voice opinions and they often work with the child to think through and establish rules. They are willing to reason with the child, but they also consistently and firmly enforce the rules. Whereas the authoritarian parent might say “Do as I say, because I said so,” and the permissive parent might say “Do whatever you think is right,” the authoritative parent is more likely to say “You must do this because __________.” Authoritative parents have reasons for their rules, and they explain these reasons (sometimes over and over again) to help the child understand why they are important.

While the topic of physical punishment is a touchy one, it is important to address it. There is a wealth of evidence to support the argument that physical punishment is not effective as a means of guiding children. Simply put, we do not want to teach our children that hitting or hurting people is the right way to solve problems. We want to raise our children to be productive members of our society, and in our society, using physical force against others to “teach them a lesson” is not appropriate. Besides, most child development experts agree that corporal punishment is less effective and can have many more negative repercussions than other types of discipline. There are many alternatives out there, and I will share a few of them that I have learned about in my next post.

Combining an authoritative parenting style with appropriate discipline techniques is a great way to aspire to raising children. Although no parent (or teacher/child care worker/relative/etc.) will ever be perfect, we can and should try our best to treat children as the valued individuals that they are. If we do, the result will likely be a generation of strong, self-controlled, productive, and happy kids.