Category: My Thoughts

The Freedom to Change My Mind

Lately, I’ve been discovering that I have the freedom to change my mind. Maybe this sounds weird to you. Of course I can change my mind, why wouldn’t I be able to?

Well, for me, I guess I have always felt that changing my mind was almost a form of lying. I’ve felt that when I make a decision, I should stick to it. I don’t want to be known as a person who just says things, and then doesn’t follow through. That’s a pet peeve of mine, in fact.

But lately, I’ve realized that sometimes, changing my mind is okay. It doesn’t mean I’m an unreliable person, it means I’m a changing person. I evolve, and grow, my situation changes, and so on. I am now embracing my freedom to change my mind!

It feels good.

I’ve changed my mind about two things, recently. One is kind of small, and the other is pretty big.

The small one was adopting a kitten. I have said many times that I didn’t want more than one cat. I have also said that I don’t need any more pets right now. And, I have said that I don’t ever want to adopt a kitten, because grown cats are better for several reasons. Well, I changed my mind. And it was a great decision!

I love my new kitten, Leo. He’s very outgoing, friendly, and affectionate. Every time I get a new pet, I feel that our family is more complete. Many people may not understand why I would want four dogs and two cats, especially when I already have two young children to look after. But I love pets! I find joy in taking care of them and providing them a good home. I love knowing that my children will grow up being comfortable around animals, including dogs of all sizes.

For now, we have to stop adding to our pets, simply because we cannot legally own any more dogs. The limit is four in our city. As for cats, we don’t have room in this house for a third litter box, so two is our maximum. And I am not comfortable housing small animals without providing them their own secure room, after what happened to the guinea pigs. So as long as we live where we do, we are at capacity.

But I am not going to say that there won’t be any more additions once we eventually move to a bigger home. We have a dream of moving to a ranch house and owning some livestock, and adding several more small animals to our family. Until then, I’m quite content with things as they are.

The bigger decision I recently changed my mind about is having more children. I said that after Abigail, I was done with pregnancy. But I still want at least one more baby, and something doesn’t feel right to me about adopting a newborn when I know that I am able to have children biologically. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with it, but I just don’t feel like it’s what we’re supposed to do. I still want to adopt older children later on, but right now, I’m not done with raising babies.

And truthfully, even though pregnancy is really hard for me, and birth is also challenging, it’s also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I’m not ready to be done with it. I want to do it again!

The one thing I want to do different for baby #3 is to wait until Abigail is done nursing before getting pregnant. I had to wean Cody before I was really ready (even though he was over two years old), because it was too painful to nurse when I became pregnant with Abigail. I convinced myself that I would nurse him again when the baby was born, but by that time, it didn’t feel right to go back and of course I never did nurse him again.

Also, being pregnant when he was that age, just barely done being a baby, was hard. I was detached from him because of my discomfort, and I feel like I missed that stage of his life. I feel like weaning and then my pregnancy really changed our relationship in a way I wasn’t ready for.

So, I want to avoid that this time around. As such, we are planning to wait until Abigail is about three years old to start trying to conceive. If she hasn’t weaned herself by then, I am comfortable weaning her when I get pregnant. Cody will also be six years old by the time I’m pregnant with baby #3, and that will make things a lot easier.

Right now, Cory is on board with having another baby, but he isn’t convinced about having a fourth. I will be 29 during my next pregnancy if all goes according to plan. I’d want a similar age gap between #3 and #4, and I don’t really care to have another baby past age 35, so that gives us a lot of time to decide what we want to do. Personally, I am hoping for four babies, but who knows what will happen. Only God, of course. 🙂

The future looks bright! I feel energized by looking ahead, planning, and dreaming. I’m discovering that giving myself the freedom to change my mind makes it even more fun. I am still on the adventure of life, discovering what God has for me.

I Do… Or Do I?

i-do-or-do-i

What do cold feet, long engagements, and runaway brides have in common? They all stem from the myth and the fear that marriage changes everything.

I’ve seen it countless times in real life, on TV, and in movies. A couple gets engaged, but starts to waver when it comes to actually making it to that alter. Or, in a similar situation, a couple stays together for years and years, supposedly committed to getting married one day, but postpones engagement for all of those years, or even goes through breakup scares or “on again, off again” cycles. It always makes me wonder, why do people make marriage so intimidating and complicated? Or more accurately, why do people have such trouble with commitment?

The way I see it, marriage is simple. It is a commitment to be with another person for the rest of your lives, to love and care for each other, and to be partners in life. To agree to such a commitment would be a scary thing if you weren’t sure about yourself, or the person you were committing to. But what does it really take to be sure?

I’ve heard many answers to this question. Some seem to think you need to know everything about your significant other to be ready for marriage. Some believe you need to resolve all of your issues as a couple first. Others think that a certain age, or educational, financial or career goal must be reached before marriage. My own marriage counselors seemed to believe that in order to be ready for marriage, a certain level of spiritual maturity, assessed by them using some arbitrary process I wasn’t aware of at the time, was necessary. But all of these answers are really just excuses.

I’ve been married for five years now, and I still don’t know everything about my spouse, nor does he know everything about me. We still have issues we need to work through, and we find new ones sometimes too. We were married young, before finishing college, and without having established careers or even the financial strength to support ourselves; yet none of those factors had a negative effect on our marriage. We have enjoyed these last five years growing together spiritually and in maturity, and building our lives together, despite the fact that many people said we “weren’t ready.” We were sure, and we were 100% committed to our marriage, and we had Jesus at the center. That was all that mattered.

So, I ask again, how can one be sure? I think the truth is, it’s simpler than it seems. As cliche as it sounds, when you know, you know. But also, it takes time to build a relationship to that level (but not that much time). What I mean is that it’s a process–you meet, you date, you get to know each other, you fall in love, you create memories together, you experience conflicts and struggles and learn to resolve them, you test your compatibility, you choose to love each other… and somewhere along the way, you discover that you know. Even when the newness and excitement wears off, and you start doing real-life together, you still feel that knowing. You find that you are not afraid of committing to this person. You find that you are already there.

When somebody is ready, engagement is a promise to demonstrate your commitment, and marriage is the final seal to that promise. Engagement and marriage are the proof that you are committed, but they aren’t the commitment itself–that comes before. In other words, the commitment should already be solidly and firmly in place when you decide to take those vows. It’s not a decision you can make on the spot after you’ve already walked down the aisle! It’s not even a decision you can make on the spot when your significant other is down on one knee. It’s something that you already know in those moments, because it has grown naturally and is ready to blossom confidently into marriage.

Marriage doesn’t change everything. It just declares what is already there. A wedding isn’t the beginning of a life together, it’s just one of the many steps along the way. A wedding won’t solidify a commitment that’s weak to begin with, but it can very easily expose that weakness. On the other hand, when it’s right, weddings can be a beautiful way to celebrate your love and commitment as a couple. But it has to be right, first. (And, sidenote, a marriage can start before a wedding happens, if financing the wedding is the hurdle holding a couple back. Personally, if I could go back in time, I would have gone and gotten married at the courthouse a year before I had my wedding, because we were ready then!)

So if you’re in line to get engaged or married, ask yourself: is it there, or is it not? Are you compatible, or are you not? Are you sure, or are you not? If the answer is “not,” then maybe the knot is not something you should tie. If you’ve been together for many years and you’re not sure (or they’re not sure), it’s likely you never will be. The truth is, marriage doesn’t make a relationship easier or harder. Time is the only thing that changes things, and those changes are out of our control. We can only control ourselves, and decide in our hearts and minds that we will stay the course. Are you ready to do that, or are you not? The answer should be simple.

I’m Not Making This Up

This post is about makeup—actually, about the fact that I don’t wear any, and why. Thus, the punny title. =P

For the past five years, I haven’t worn makeup on a daily basis. It all started on a retreat I went to with my church, when I realized a simple truth—I spent too much time looking in the mirror and worrying about my appearance, and not enough time looking at things that are more important and eternal. In a word, I was vain. That vanity also contributed to my low self-esteem.

I never was one to wear a lot of makeup, but I used to feel like I couldn’t go out in public without concealer and mascara. I felt like my face alone just wasn’t enough to be considered pretty, and I also felt like being pretty was really important. The day I realized that I felt these things, and that I didn’t like feeling them, was the day that I decided to stop wearing makeup. I decided that I wouldn’t start wearing makeup again until I truly felt like I didn’t need it. Funnily enough, once I got to the place where I felt like I didn’t need it, I never felt the urge to start wearing it again regularly. And so, I’ve been makeup free for the past five years. And it’s great!

One of the things I love about not wearing makeup is that it’s easy. It takes me about 10 minutes to get ready in the morning (along with not wearing makeup, I also have a minimalist wardrobe consisting only of clothes I like to wear, can wear, and do wear). I don’t have to spend a lot of time fussing over how I look, and I can spend that time doing things I enjoy instead. It also makes things easier because I never have to worry about my makeup smearing, or rubbing off on things, or running if my face gets wet. I’m free! It also makes it easier to wash my face because there’s no need to remove makeup first or take extra time to get it all off. Yet another benefit is that I spend almost no money on makeup, which could get expensive for some people.

Another thing I love about not wearing makeup is that I feel more confident and beautiful. I don’t feel like I’m hiding behind anything; it’s just me. If I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think I look good, or if somebody gives me a compliment on my appearance, I know that it’s because I am beautiful, not my makeup. But more importantly, I just don’t feel like it matters that much how I look. Yes, it’s important to feel good about your appearance, and it’s a good thing socially and professionally to look put-together and like you take care of yourself. For me, those things can be accomplished without makeup, and beyond that, I believe that appearances really aren’t that important because they don’t last, and they aren’t worth anything in the grand scheme of eternity. As corny as it sounds, I’d rather be beautiful on the inside than on the outside. And that attitude actually contributes to me feeling beautiful inside and out.

The third thing I love about not wearing makeup every day is that when I do wear makeup, it can make the occasion feel more special. One occasion that I always wear makeup for is my family’s annual photo shoot. I like to have photos where our outfits look cute and my hair and makeup is done. It’s not because I don’t like to be photographed without makeup, either. I have no problem with taking photos in my normal day-to-day style. But for our photo shoots, I enjoy doing something extra. I also wear makeup to parties sometimes, or occasionally if I just feel like it on any given day. It’s just something different and special, like deciding to wear a dress or a skirt and nice top instead of jeans and a comfy shirt.

I know that choosing to not wear makeup isn’t for everybody. And there’s nothing wrong with appreciating or pursuing beauty. For me, the problem was that beauty became too important, and I was pursuing it for the wrong reasons. I used makeup to make myself feel more beautiful, which made me feel more valuable. For a woman who feels beautiful with or without makeup, who wears it because it helps her to express herself, or who wears it to add beauty to the world, I think makeup is a wonderful thing. For a woman who wears makeup because she feels like she has to, or because she feels like her beauty makes her worth more, or because she wants people to be envious of her or lust after her, I would say that maybe makeup isn’t such a good thing. I used to be in that second category, but now I’m in the first, and I love how it feels.

I wonder how many women out there would be willing to challenge themselves to go without makeup? If it is a challenge for you, then maybe it’s one you need to take! For all the men out there, I hope you can appreciate the women in your life for the beauty that they exude, whether they’re wearing makeup or not; especially inner beauty, because inner beauty really is more fun to be around, anyway.

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