Category: Marriage

A Place of Our Own

As you may know, my husband and I recently moved out of my parents’ house to our own apartment. We’ve been here for less than a month, but it already feels like home! This week, I wanted to write about what it means to me and my husband to finally have a place of our own, and how important independence is in a marriage.

When my husband and I decided to get married at 19, we knew that there would be some consequences, both positive and negative. We looked forward to living together, being officially married (since we’d already made the commitment in our hearts), and many other benefits that come with being married. But we also knew that we’d have to make sacrifices that most married couples don’t have to make. We knew that some people wouldn’t accept our decision easily, and that we’d probably receive a lot of criticism. At the time, we were both full-time students and nowhere near financially independent. We understood that we would have to live with either my parents or his for at least a couple of years (or so we thought, at the time). That was something that we accepted, because being married was worth it to us.

After we got married, we were totally excited to be able to live together! It didn’t matter to us that it was with my parents; we were just happy to be together. It was an exciting time, combining our things and learning how to live in such close proximity. We were (and still are) very grateful for our parents’ kindness in allowing us to live with them for so cheap— it was truly a blessing.

After a while, though, we started yearning for more independence. I think it’s natural for a married couple to want to get out on their own; the Bible talks about husbands and wives leaving their families to “cleave” together. And even though I believe that verse is talking mainly about a spiritual and physical combining of two people in marriage, I also think that there is a literal element to it. Part of the joy in getting married is the excitement of starting your own family of two together! You are still your parents’ children, of course, but now you are somebody’s husband or wife first. Your primary status is as a married individual. And what better way to assert that new status than by literally moving out of your parents’ home and into a new home with your spouse?

But when my husband and I started looking for apartments, we felt pretty hopeless. There was just no way that we could afford it, plain and simple. So we stopped looking (and then started again, and then stopped again, and then started again… you get the point). As things in our lives changed, we would become hopeful again and look at the numbers before realizing that we were still not quite there yet. So there were many periods of looking, giving up, and then looking again. Then one time when we looked, we excitedly realized that we were finally there! The numbers matched up and we were capable of moving out on our own.

Our lives had changed in a lot of big ways before we got to that point. They were changes that we made for various reasons in a slow process that finally led to where we are now. I left my university and started taking online classes part-time instead. I got one job babysitting, and then another and another, until my schedule was full. My husband also stopped taking classes full-time, but continued taking one class at the same university. He started working much more in his web design business. Our plans and dreams for the future changed, and we realized that we had some external assets at our disposal. I definitely believe that all of these things were part of a process that was carefully orchestrated by God in order to get us to where we are now. The greatest part is, the process isn’t even done yet. He’s still working on our lives, guiding us forward to bigger and better things!

So we finally moved out on our own and started the next great adventure in our lives together. And we absolutely love it! Living in our own apartment has so many great benefits. We can actually feel and act like an independent married couple. We get to make our own day-to-day decisions together, buy our own groceries, cook our own meals, decorate and clean, and everything else that’s involved in managing a home. I think it’s a lot of fun! Best of all, my husband and I are growing closer because of it. Something about it being just us two has made our marriage stronger and our day-to-day interactions more positive (not that they were bad before, but something doesn’t have to be bad for it to improve!) It’s just great.

I wanted to share this not to brag, but just simply to show how valuable independence is for a married couple, and to remember. Years down the road, I probably won’t relish cleaning the kitchen or buying groceries, but I do now because it’s new and exciting! I want to remember this feeling even when we’ve lived on our own for decades.

Here’s to enjoying the little things in life, and being excited about where you are now as well as where you’re going.

 

P.S. Rocky is here! My husband and I drove up to get him on Friday afternoon, and we’ve been enjoying him ever since. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, Rocky is my new cockatiel who I wrote about buying in my last post. Now he’s officially part of our family! I’ve attached two pictures of him, for your adoration. =P

 

Sexy Time

That’s right− I’m doing it. I’m taking the plunge and writing about sex. I’ve been tossing the idea back and forth for a few weeks now, but couldn’t decide if I really wanted to cross that line. Finally, I decided to go for it. After all, it’s one of the biggest differences between married life and single life (at least for Christians), and practically everybody’s interested in it. Did I mention that I have relatives who read this? Well, no worries. I won’t make this overly personal or go into too much detail. Instead, I’ll approach this fascinating topic from a generalized point of view. That way, there’s no danger of sharing too much. Thank goodness!

To start off, I want to talk about the importance of intimacy in marriage. As Christians, we believe that marriage is the process of two people becoming one; this means being united emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and in many other ways, including physically. The physical union between a husband and wife is something that God thought up when He first created us as humans. He molded our bodies in such a way that we can physically be united with each other, and he planned that union to occur only in fully committed, permanent relationships such as marriage.

Why did He do this? While we can’t know for sure until we meet Him face to face, we can definitely hypothesize using the Bible. For one, we can see that God made our bodies with sexual pleasure in mind; after all, we don’t enjoy sex for no reason! We also see the effect it has on us, making us feel closer to our partners emotionally. Last, we can see that God made our bodies in such a way that we can create new life when we engage in sexual intimacy. So what’s the point of this shared pleasure, emotional closeness, and life-creation in a marriage? They all lead to unity!  

A husband and wife are united both physically and spiritually when they share this gift. The after-effects of emotional closeness lead to unity in the relationship by resealing the bond that they share. And when a couple uses physical intimacy as a way to grow their family, they are then united in a common life purpose as parents. Clearly, sex is not just fun and games. It is a tool for marriage and an experience that God wants us to enjoy in that context. Well great! But what happens when sex doesn’t work the way you want it to?

Let’s face it. Sex is not exactly easy. It’s a skill that takes time to learn, and in a marriage, this is one of the most beautiful new skills you can learn together. But it does take time! Nobody is born as a sex-god (thank goodness), and starting this new adventure together doesn’t always go smoothly. In fact, there are many unexpected problems that can arise as far as the sexual relationship in a marriage goes.

One potential issue is that, well, sometimes you just don’t want to. A couple, no matter how united they may be, is composed of two individuals. Each individual has different moods, desires, and patterns when it comes to sex. This is one reason why it’s important to be selfless in your marriage. There will most likely be times when you want sex, but your spouse doesn’t (and vice versa). But if you refuse to have sex with your spouse simply because you don’t feel like it, you may end up doing it… never. Because what are the chances of you both wanting it at the exact same time? Not nearly as often as you might think. So take Nike’s advice, and Just Do It. If you are both others-centered in the bedroom, then your partner should have no problem making it worth your while.

Another potential issue is that sex is messy. Even in one-partner-for-life situations, there can be health issues that result from sexual activity. Plus, almost all couples have to deal with the reality that once a month, us girls are pretty much “out of service.” So sometimes, it simply may not be an option. In the case of sex-related health issues, it may take a while to get everything sorted out, and this time without intimacy can be difficult for couples. Either way though, I think the best solution during these times is to remember that sex isn’t the only way to be physically intimate with your spouse. Never underestimate the power of hugs, kisses, caresses, and midnight spooning sessions! (In case you didn’t know, “spooning” just means cuddling).

Another potential problem is less physical and much more mental and emotional. Sometimes, especially for Christian women who have been taught all of their lives that “sex is wrong,” trying to switch from that mindset to the mindset of a marriage, where “sex is good,” can be very difficult. Or perhaps the wife (or husband) has experienced sexually traumatic events in the past, making it difficult to enjoy this type of intimacy in the marriage. In both cases, sex can end up being much less fun, and much more frightening or even repulsive. What can you do in this situation? Honestly, I’d suggest seeking counseling. Many churches offer counseling for free or little cost, and a counselor with the same Christian background as you might be extremely helpful. Or, if you aren’t comfortable with that, then why not seek counseling elsewhere? The most important thing is that you are able to work through your old thought pattern or trauma. Sex is not supposed to be scary or gross, and seeking help is not shameful. It is a brave and loving decision to make that will help you improve intimacy and unity in your marriage.

The last thing I want to talk about is one of the well-known results of having sexual relationships; babies! Now, I was careful not to say “issues” or “problems” for this one, because I firmly believe that no baby is a mistake. God plans each life that he brings into this world! It’s just that sometimes, we aren’t on the same page. In many marriages, the couple doesn’t plan on having children right away, and in others, they don’t want to have children at all. There’s nothing wrong with that! God still created sex for unity in marriage, whether or not you plan to use it for bringing new life into the world. The “problem” results when you didn’t plan on having kids, and you get pregnant anyway. Of course, birth control is a perfectly acceptable option, but nothing is perfect and things can happen. So what do you do when you carefully mapped out your plans, but God had something else in mind? Here’s a hint; go with God’s version.

As a full-time college student also working 10 hours per week, I understand the desire to wait to have kids. It would be financially irresponsible for us right now, and we have about enough extra time in our schedules to take care of a plant. So no, taking on the responsibility of a baby anytime soon is definitely not in our plans. Plus, we’d like to enjoy at least a few years of our marriage without a third person involved. And while we are doing our part to be cautious and mindful, as I mentioned before, things can happen. Nothing has happened to us, but my husband and I are always prepared for this type of situation. We knew this fact of life before we got married, and we are committed to doing whatever it takes to honor God’s plan for our lives.

If you are married and you don’t want to start a family (yet or ever), that’s ok. You should still enjoy physical intimacy in your relationship. However, it is a fact of life that sex often makes babies, and as a married couple engaging in such an activity, you have to be okay with this possibility. Remember, God has a plan in mind for you and He will never put you into a situation that you can’t handle! Trust His wisdom and submit yourself to His plans for you; I promise, the rewards will be amazing.

So there you have it! Those are my Bible-based beliefs about the purpose of sex, why it is important in a marriage, and what you can do when it gets messy.

I sincerely hope that every marriage can experience the joys of physical intimacy, for they are great. And for those of you who are not yet married, I pray that you look to God for the strength to resist sexual temptation. It’s definitely worth the wait, and things will be so much easier when the time comes!

L.O.V.E.

At my wedding just over a month ago, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a fantastic pastor who led us through a beautiful ceremony. He added many nice touches that I’d never heard of before he told us about them, such as a piece called “these hands” where we looked at each other’s hands and reflected on how we would spend all of our good, in-between, and bad moments with them for the rest of our lives. He also added a piece about love that I’ve found to be so important in our marriage already. What he said was that the acronym L.O.V.E. is important to remember as we go through life together. It stands for Laughter, Others-centered, Value, and Encourage.

Laughter may not sound like it’s that important for a healthy marriage. But actually, being able to laugh with your spouse and find joy in each other is extremely important. Marriage isn’t a business contract; it’s a promise to love each other for the rest of your lives, and doing that is so much easier if you actually enjoy each other’s company. Having a relationship with a healthy amount of playfulness and lighthearted laughter is vital to maintaining the friendship that you and your spouse share, or hopefully shared at some point. Essentially, this all boils down to being happy together. Relationships can quickly grow stagnant if you’re always wearing your grumpy pants around your spouse. Yes, it can be very difficult to feel happy when you are overwhelmed with stress. But maybe if you let yourself relax a little and give your worries to God, you can start enjoying laughter more with your husband or wife. And when you do that, your marriage will prosper!

Others-centered. This sounds great, but what does it mean, exactly? In a marriage, it means putting your spouse first. Now, this can be hard to do when your spouse doesn’t return the favor. When you are being selfless all of the time and constantly doing things to make your spouse happy, you’re probably expecting him or her to do the same for you, right? Bad idea! Acting selfless in an effort to receive something back is not really selfless at all. The whole idea of being selfless is that you don’t expect anything in return. As I said before, though, this can be very hard to do. After all, we are sinful beings and we can’t really help being selfish, at least to some degree. But that doesn’t mean we can’t strive for it! And God can help you. The best part about being others-centered in a marriage is that though you shouldn’t expect to receive anything in return, you will probably get something anyway. After all, if both partners in a relationship are focused on the happiness and holiness of the other, both partners will be treated well. Even if your spouse isn’t exactly on the same page as you right yet, you can be the first one to act. Be honest and tell him or her that you are going to strive to put him or her first in the relationship from now on. Then, do it. Soon enough, your spouse will be more than happy to strive to do the same thing f0r you.

Valuing your spouse seems like a given. I mean, the scenario is just so cliché; one spouse doesn’t appreciate the other enough which results in feelings of neglect, and the marriage falls apart. We’ve seen it again and again in movies, books, television, etc. So, if it’s so obvious that we need to value our spouses, then why do we still have trouble with it? I think the problem is that we get so caught up in the struggles of day-to-day life that often, we end up just being cohabitants with our spouses. She does the dishes, he mows the lawn, they both go to work to support the family, and over all they both take care of their responsibilities for a harmonious household. But this kind of marriage is missing one big part of love! They don’t value each other. Each partner does what they are supposed to and expects the other to do their part as well. But while it may seem to work for a while, failing to express appreciation for each other can create feelings of monotony, purposelessness, resentment, and boredom in a marriage. So make it a priority to recognize all of the wonderful things that your spouse is and does for you. Then, make sure that your spouse know how much you value him or her. On top of that, value your spouse with your thoughts by focusing on the positive in the relationship and remembering all of the reasons that you married this person.

Encouragement. We all need it, and many of us give it to others. In a marriage, encouragement is a huge emotional need on both the part of the husband and the wife. Typically, men need encouragement that they are doing  a good job, both at work and as husbands, while women need encouragement related to their relationships and their feelings. Of course, both partners in a relationship desire encouragement in all areas of their lives, and not all men and women follow this exact pattern. Either way, though, both men and women need encouragement from their spouses. I often encourage my husband by telling him that he is doing a great job at work and that I am proud of his success. He often encourages me when I feel sad about a friendship or something difficult that happened to me. We both encourage each other by offering unconditional support  and keeping each other motivated spiritually. This aspect of our marriage cements our relationship as life partners, because we both know that we can always find comfort and encouragement in each other’s arms. I advise anybody who is married or thinking about getting married one day to remember this; genuinely care about your spouse’s individual successes and struggles, and don’t forget to encourage them at all times.

Keeping L.O.V.E. in a marriage is one of the keys to success and happiness. In the end, it all comes down to this; in a marriage, our goal should be to love our spouse the way that Jesus loves us. He finds delight in us, was selfless to the point of dying for us, sees us as precious and priceless treasure, and gave us his Holy Spirit to offer us encouragement anytime we need it. He is the definition of love. As a wife, I know that I will never love my husband as much as Jesus loves me, and my husband will never be able to fulfill me completely the way that God can. But I also know that God gave me a husband and vice versa so that we can grow to become more like Him. I am committed to following Christ’s example of love, and because of that, I know that my marriage can’t fail. Personally, I think that’s pretty awesome.

Update!

I just wanted to let my readers know what has been going on recently. I have not posted anything at all in over two weeks, and the reason is that my wedding day finally arrived! The few days before the wedding were extremely busy, which unfortunately left me with no time to write. And since the 21st, my wonderful husband and I have been enjoying our honeymoon.

So, I just wanted to give a quick update to those of you who follow my blog. I am definitely not leaving you! I’m just taking a little break to settle myself into married life, and I will be back with more posts in just another week or so.

Thank you, as always, for reading what I write. I so sincerely appreciate it!

 

 

 

The Wedding Rush

This week has been crazy. It’s nine days until the wedding, and I still have tons of things to sort out! Plus, I know that it’s only going to get crazier the closer it gets. But you know what? I’m still loving it.

The interesting thing about weddings is that there are so many details to think about; way more details than I ever would have thought there could be. Literally every tiny thing has to be planned out and thought of, from who is going to bring what to the wedding site, to what accessories your flower girls are going to wear. No stone can do unturned, and all of that planning sure does take a lot of time!

Another thing that’s pretty crazy to think about is the fact that you do all of this planning, possibly for a year or more, and it all comes down to one day. And even on that day, you spend a ton of time preparing for the rest of the day. Between hair, makeup, nails, getting dressed up in one heck of a dress, and pictures, you’ve already spent several hours on your special day still preparing for it! And then finally, you reach the moment that you’ve been waiting so long for, and you’re married. After that, you get to enjoy your celebratory day that you’ve spent so long planning for, for four to five hours. And before you know it, it’s over and life goes on.

This concept is something that I’ve been aware of since I started planning this wedding. Yet, no matter how prepared I thought I was for it to finally be here, I don’t think I ever will be prepared for my wedding to be over. Just. Like. That.

And so, as the days go by and I get closer and closer to the wedding, I also know that I’m getting closer and closer to the wedding being over. That is why I think that the best thing to do as a very soon-to-be bride, is to enjoy every moment of the planning. I once heard that the anticipation leading up to events is actually more exciting than the actual event! So if that’s true, then I definitely want to enjoy every moment leading up to it.

Of course, as much as I am enjoying the process of wedding prep, I know that the thing I’m most excited about at this point is what happens afterward. Most of the time now when I think about how close it is, I think things like, “nine days until my last name is Westropp,” or “nine days until Cory lives with me forever.” When we first started planning, however, I used to think things like, “six months until I walk down that aisle,” or “six months until we do our first dance.” I think that this change from anticipating the wedding to anticipating the marriage is a good one for me, because it gives me something to look forward to after the hype of the wedding day is finally over. Yes, I can’t wait to have my day and for Cory and I to celebrate our love with all of our friends and family. But more than that, I can’t wait to be his wife and be with him forever.

So bring on the wedding rush! Let it come, let us enjoy our moments, and let it be over. Because believe me, I have so much more to look forward to even after it’s just a memory.

 

Weddings

It is two weeks and three days until my wedding now. I have been planning it for the past nine months, during which time any mention of the words “wedding,” “bride,” “groom,” “marriage,” or pretty much any other word related to weddings or marriage has caused me to feel a buzz of excitement. Any time I glimpse a picture of a bride or a wedding, whether on TV or in a magazine, I feel unable to stop myself from fixating on it. It’s as if I have a 24/7 wedding radar that alerts me whenever the topic arises.

I guess that that’s pretty normal behavior for a soon-to-be bride. Perhaps it’s normal behavior for any girl who dreams of getting married one day. But for me, the wedding buzz has been such a constant companion and the wedding planning such a constant job, that I’ve at times wondered what I will do when it’s all over and I’m no longer a bride, but a wife. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely cannot wait to be Mrs. Westropp! It’s just that planning for this day has been a huge part of my life for such a long time that I’m sure it will be surreal when it finally happens, and then strange when it’s over. All of this pondering about the near future has made me realize the importance of putting your wedding in perspective.

The fact is that your wedding day is basically just a big party. Yes, you will only have one wedding day (hopefully), and yes, it is your special day. But at the end of it, you will be left with a few things: your memories, your guests, and your new spouse. I think that the most important thing to keep in mind when planning a wedding is how to make sure that these three things are happy at the end of the day.

I’ve been told many times that the actual wedding day will fly by in a blur. Many people try to combat this by hiring expensive photographers and videographers to record every moment of it. The problem with this, I think, is that realistically you are probably not going to sit around and watch your wedding video more than a few times in the rest of your life. And even though your photos are probably going to be looked at much more often, you hopefully aren’t going to find that your wedding day was meaningless just because your photos aren’t super expensively professional. I’m not saying it’s bad to hire a videographer or a photographer; I’m just saying that it’s not the most important thing about your wedding. I’ve asked several of my good friends who are excellent photographers to do my wedding for me, and I have absolutely no worries that this choice will negatively impact my wedding. That’s because even if the photos aren’t great (which I’m sure they will be!), I’ll have what really matters, which is my marriage.

For me, this also means that I want to try to take it slow on my wedding day and enjoy every moment instead of stressing out about every detail. I would rather have a few things (or even a lot of things) go wrong and enjoy the day anyway than stress out to make it perfect and be too busy to appreciate it. My memories of this day aren’t going to be filled with me running around trying to manage everything; they’re going to be of me enjoying my first day as Cory’s wife.

As for your guests, well, I think it’s a nice idea to try to make them happy. If they were willing to come to your wedding to celebrate you and support you, then surely you can show them some gratitude for that. In my case, it means giving up little things I want to make it more enjoyable for them. For example, I may have wanted to hire an expensive caterer to provide a small amount of fancy food, but instead I decided to put in more work on my part in order to provide more food for the money that I have to spend. That means I will have to do more making, picking up, transporting, and setting up of everything, but it also means that my guests will have enough to eat. Compromising on the small detail of where the food came from is well worth it to have happier, more comfortable guests.

Brides and grooms also need to be flexible for their parents and special guests, and do the best they can to make them happy. Perhaps this means doing a few more traditional things instead of the unique twists you had originally envisioned. Maybe it means inviting everybody on your parents’ guest wish lists, even though their families are huge and you really wanted a small wedding. Whatever the case may be, planning a wedding requires compromises, and you have to be willing to make them to keep the people you love as happy as possible. That being said, you also shouldn’t kill yourself over people being unhappy with some of the details—somebody will always complain about something, because for some reason when it comes to weddings, everybody has an opinion. So do your best to make the people you love happy, but don’t freak out if you can’t pull it off perfectly. It really is about the marriage, not the wedding, and in the end everybody will be happy for you and your new husband or wife.

And of course, last but not least is your new spouse. Practically this whole blog is about what to do with your spouse once you’re married and how to make your marriage work, so there’s not much more to say here. But I will reiterate that it is important to keep your wedding in perspective and remember that your new husband or wife is the reason you are doing it. Your wedding day is more about the big picture of your new marriage than it is about the actual day. It will be over before you know it, and then you have forever to be married. That is what really matters, and that is what you should care about more than any of the details of the celebration.

For me, planning my wedding has been a ton of fun and extremely exciting. I have not once experience annoyance or stress about having to plan it—I’ve loved every minute of it! And I don’t think that there is anything wrong with wanting certain things on your wedding day or having a vision of how you want things to be. I certainly don’t think there is anything wrong with enjoying your special day! But I do think that there is something wrong with being stubborn, immovable, or snotty as a bride (or as a groom). If you are getting married because you want to be married, than the details should not make or break you. So go ahead and plan things the way you would like them, staying flexible and courteous to the needs of others, and enjoy your one and only wedding day. Then, when it’s over, don’t forget to enjoy your marriage much, much more.

 

 

Advice

This week, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and spending time with Cory’s extended family in Tennessee. I decided to take advantage of this time surrounded by six married couples of all ages by collecting marital advice from all of them. In this special bonus post, I’m simply going to share the advice that I was given without commenting on it. Please know that some of the advice was probably meant to be humorous, and most of my “victims” were asked to answer on the spot without a lot of time for reflection. Nevertheless, I think that this collection of thoughts includes many significant and meaningful pieces of advice. Please enjoy!

  • Sleep in separate twin beds.
  • Distinguish between what you want and what you need.
  • Save for retirement early.
  • Save your best manners for home.
  • Emphasize positive reinforcement.
  • The only person you can change is yourself.
  • Your actions will reflect your thoughts (so think like the kind of person you want to be).
  • Don’t get too impressed with your own accomplishments.
  • Don’t compete with each other.
  • Save!
  • Let him buy golf clubs and let her buy shoes; in other words, you both need to be allowed to splurge a little bit sometimes. Have a certain amount of money set aside each month to allow each other to have some free spending money.
  • Control the money!
  • Some things are just important to her that you won’t understand, so don’t try to make sense of them. Just let her have those things and make them important to you because they are important to her.
  • Two phrases that every husband should know are “yes dear” and “you’re right.”
  • Tell it like it is, and forget diplomacy.
  • Accept your spouse as they are.
  • Share equal responsibility with doing the dishes.
  • The baby is never wrong; the parents have to be the first to change, not the children.
  • Intentions are important.
  • The five second rule doesn’t apply to dropping babies.
  • Be okay with being different; you don’t have to be the same person.
  • Husbands and wives function together because of their different strengths and weaknesses. You think differently, and that’s a good thing.
  • Being right and getting your way aren’t going to make you truly happy in marriage.
  • Marriage is a lot of work, so be prepared. It’s not just about being in love, it’s about your commitment and your effort to make it work, even when it’s hard.
  • Have separate interests.
  • Wives need girl time with their friends and husbands need guy time with their friends. You don’t need to do everything together or be together all of the time.
  • Just be happy.
  • Spend your life in a happy way and enjoy it while you have it.
  • Never go to bed angry.
  • Take time to enjoy each other as husband and wife before you have kids.
  • Marriage isn’t about building your own kingdom, it’s about building one together for God. Every decision that you make throughout the day is either placing a brick on your kingdom, or on God’s kingdom that you’re building together.
  • In areas where you want your husband to lead, he might fail sometimes. If he does fail, don’t just give up and do it yourself; continue to encourage him to lead in that area, and be patient with him.

 

 

 

 

 

Date Night

It’s that thing that our parents used to do every Thursday at 6:30 PM. It’s the secret ingredient that books entitled “How to Save Your Marriage” tell us to try. It’s that idea that sounds really nice and like a great plan in theory… but then never really happens. Or at least if it does happen it’s never really exciting and always seems to go exactly the same way. You know what I’m talking about— it’s date night.

One of the things that Cory and I have heard a lot about in regards to marriage is that sometimes, things get, well, stagnant. In fact, we’re not even married yet and we have already experienced this to some degree. We both get so caught up in our routines and day-to-day life that before we know it, we’re practically just coexisting. Sure, we still give hello and goodbye kisses and make small talk about how our day was, but in times like these we stop truly connecting. It’s only when we eventually realize what we’re doing that we wake up out of our daily busyness and take a step back, finally seeing each other for the first time in days. So we reconnect briefly, squeezing in some quality time together, and then continue on with our pattern. That is just the way it is; life is busy, and we just don’t have the time or energy to focus on connecting with our significant other every single day. Right?

Wrong! No matter how often I try to use it, the truth is that I do not believe in this excuse. Yes, life is busy. But if life is so busy that we don’t have time to actually connect to people, then what is the point? It is time to get our priorities straight.

Making time to connect to your spouse is a very basic need in a marriage, just like making time to connect with God is vital to your relationship with Him. You cannot expect your love to keep growing and flourishing if your relationship is essentially that of really good roommates. Keeping the flame alive means making your significant other a priority; work, chores, and taking time to wind down are all important, but your spouse is even more so.

So what are some ways to make sure you are connecting with your spouse?

First, I’d suggest spending daily time with God together. Read the Bible side by side when you wake up in the morning, and discuss what you thought and felt about the things that you read. Start the day in prayer together, asking God to be with and guide you both throughout the day. This is not only a great way to connect to each other, but a great way to connect to God and make sure that He stays at the center of your relationship.

Second, remind your significant other how much you love him or her before you separate and jump into the day. Yes, mornings can be busy and rushed, but taking a few minutes to hug your spouse and say “I love you” can make a huge difference in your relationship and in your day.

Third, try doing some small act as a gesture of love during the day. Send a text to remind your husband or wife that you love them and that you cannot wait to see him or her after work. Pick a nice flower and lay it on the table when you get home with a sweet little note. If you get home early, surprise your loved one by doing the dishes and starting to cook dinner. It can be small and spontaneous, but try to do something every day that will show your sweetie that you care.

Fourth, ask each other about the day and actually listen. Take turns running through the struggles and triumphs of the last eight hours or so, and when it’s your turn to listen, pay attention. Don’t interrupt, judge, or make annoying comments—just let your spouse talk and try to understand how he or she feels about what happened during the day. Give your significant other your undivided attention for a few minutes at the end of the work day, and chances are you will instantly feel more connected.

My fifth and last tip is the secret ingredient that I mentioned earlier, and the title of this post; date night!  Taking one night a week to get out of the house with your loved one is a great way to reconnect and spend some fantastic quality time together. A few words of advice about this are necessary, though: do not do the same thing every week, do not spend money you don’t have, and do not do something that will distract you from each other. You want this time to be meaningful, fun, and carefree. If you need some help with ideas, just google it! There are tons of great inexpensive, creative, and romantic ideas out there to try.

Ever since my fiancé and I were first advised to start a weekly date night, we kept saying what a good idea it was. We told ourselves that we would definitely have a date night every week or so… sometime in the future. There was the problem; we never actually did it. So this week, we finally did. We decided to plan a weekly date night and stick to it. To keep it interesting, we are going to take turns planning the date (I plan it one week, he plans it the next, etc.), and keep it a surprise. We had a great time on our date this week and I find that I am really looking forward to finding out what he has planned for next week!

Date night may sound clichéd and boring, but if you put in some effort you can make it fresh and fun. I hope you find that it reconnects you and your significant other and brings some romance and excitement back into your relationship and your life. Who knows? If you never stop dating your spouse, you may never stop falling in love.

 

Be Not Dismayed

Last night, my fiancé and I attended our last premarital counseling session. We were thoroughly excited to complete this experience and “graduate” from the program as mature, enlightened adults ready to embark on the adventure of marriage. To my great surprise, however, God had different plans.

Though the session started like any other, it ended on a bit of a sour note. After discussing the material from the final chapter, they left the room for a few minutes to “make a copy” of some paper that they wanted to give us. Cory and I were suspicious when our female counselor insisted several times that her husband went with her to make the copy; we both had a feeling that they were discussing us. Sure enough, when they came back into the room they told us that they had some things to say. After a lot of elaborate explanation, they eventually came out and plainly said that they did not think that we are ready to get married at this point.

After that, I held Cory’s hand as we sat there together, stoically and patiently listening as they explained their reasoning. They told us that they felt that we are not spiritually mature enough yet, that we are too young, and that our communication skills are not refined enough at this point. They wanted us to cancel our wedding (which is in two months!) and wait until we are finished with college to reschedule− that would be three years from now. They warned us that if we didn’t heed their advice, we’d be taking an extremely difficult path that would probably make our marriage suffer. And as a final stinging blow, they told us that they were not going to recommend that our pastor marry us. Due to the fact that this program was through the same church that our pastor is affiliated with, and the fact that successfully completing premarital counseling is a requirement to be married by a pastor from this church, this essentially means that our pastor may not be able to marry us. It all depends on whether or not he is willing to go against their recommendation.

 

Of course, despite everything that they said, my fiancé and I are 100% confident that we are ready for marriage. We do realize that we are young, of course, but God has no prejudice against the young. I believe that as long as you have put in the time and the effort to get to know somebody at a deep personal level, and as long as you are committed to this person and fully understand what it means to be married for life, there is no reason that age should be a barrier. As the Bible says, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12).

We also know that we have a lot of growing to do spiritually, both individually and as a couple, but let’s be honest; who doesn’t? Personally, I do not believe in the “perfect Christian.” I firmly believe that as humans, we will always have a lot of growing to do and we will never reach a point at which we can be considered above reproach. I believe that in a personal relationship with Christ, there is always room for improvement. I will never be at a place where I can say that I am perfect in my spirituality. That being said, my fiancé and I are committed mind, body, soul, and heart to Jesus Christ. We are individually pursuing growth in our personal relationships with our God by reading the Bible, praying, and seeking fellowship with other like-minded Christians. As a couple, we are pursuing this growth as well by regularly attending church together, daily discussion of our spiritual thoughts and experiences, regular prayer together (typically at least three times per week), and seeking fellowship with like-minded Christian couples. This change in our relationship to one that is Christ-centered has brought us a deeper connection to each other and to God, and personally I cannot wait to see how our relationship flourishes in the future as we continue to grow spiritually.

As for communication, my fiancé and I are, like any couple, not perfect. That being said, I definitely feel that we do pretty well in this department. Both of us were most surprised by the fact that this was an issue that the counselors brought up; neither of us have ever really felt that this was a problem for us!

But more important than all of that, I feel, is the fact that we are truly committed to get through anything. Divorce is not a possibility for us. I am only so confident in this fact because of one thing though, and that’s God. We didn’t gain our confidence from our own superior abilities or relationship skills; our confidence comes from our God. We cling to our Lord as an anchor for our marriage, and we refuse to let go of our commitment to Him as individuals or as a couple. As a result, our commitment to each other is strengthened and cemented. As the Bible says, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9).

 

Moving on from the qualifications of our relationship, though, I’d like to touch on some very important lessons that this experience has taught us.

One thing I’ve learned is that the church is not perfect. It is made up of imperfect people who make mistakes. Never once during this whole experience did I translate this pain inflicted by representatives of the church as pain inflicted by God. This realization was a simple reminder that I worship God, not a church, and that though church can be a wonderful place to be with fellow Christians and experience community, it is not perfect.

On that same note, I also learned patience and understanding because of this situation. I had to ask God to take away my anger and frustration at our counselors because I knew that they weren’t trying to hurt us. I knew that they had the best intentions in everything they said to us. Whether or not the things that they said were right or wrong, I know that they were said with loving and godly intentions. Because of that, I was able to maintain my manners and not snap at them. That is also the reason that I don’t hate them, even now; I know that they were just trying to help.

Another thing that I’ve learned is that we are not responsible for the expectations of others. We are only responsible for God’s expectations, and even in that we are always forgiven for our shortfalls. We are placed on this earth not to please people, but to please God. We want our marriage to bring glory to God above all else. Whether people approve or not is not going to change God’s view of our decision to get married.

One final and fairly huge blessing that this experience has brought to my relationship with Cory is the way that it has drawn us closer to God. In the face of adversity and without the support that we would love to see from our church, we have instead sought God as our main source of support. We’ve looked to Him for comfort for the emotional pain that we felt as a result of this situation. We’ve looked to Him for guidance and conviction in our decision. We’ve looked to Him for the strength to go into this marriage with the intention and purpose of glorifying Him. As a result, we’ve grown more spiritually as a couple in the past 24 hours than we have over the past week. Despite the pain of this experience, I’m very thankful for the results that it brought.

Certainly, we had pictured things going differently. But the way that they went, frustrating as it is, happened for a reason. I can only keep my faith in God and trust that He has a plan for all of this.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

The Five Love Languages

Last week, I read through a really amazing book called “The Five Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman. It’s a pretty quick read, and I got through it in just a few days. After reading it, I encouraged my fiancé to read it as well. When he was nearing the end of the book a couple of days later, he suddenly put it down and turned to me. He told me that he thought this book is one that everybody should read. Truthfully, I could not agree more!

The main argument that Chapman makes in this book is that people express love in several different ways. To some, physical affection is the best way to tell a person that they are loved. To others, acts of kindness speak of love the loudest. In fact, Chapman asserts that there are five different ways that people generally give and receive love—the five love languages. They are words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

According to this book, most marital (and really any relationship) problems come from a miscommunication of love. For example, if Jessica’s primary love language is physical touch but her husband Paul’s is words of affirmation, there could be serious problems. Jessica might try to show her love for her husband by giving him backrubs, kissing him, and having sex with him. However, Paul will not necessarily see these things as very loving. That’s because to Paul, love is shown best by speaking it. Paul tells Jessica that he loves her, that she is beautiful, and that she is an amazing wife; that is how he expresses his love. But to Jessica, these things don’t mean that much. She wants to be loved physically. As time goes on, both Jessica and Paul are trying their hardest to be loving spouses, but neither one of them feels truly loved by the other. Thus, a simple love language miscommunication can put great emotional distance between people, and even lead to empty marriages that end in divorce.

The concept is so simple, yet it makes a ton of sense! In the process of reading through it, I found that many of the tips for expressing love in the correct love language would be great ways for my fiancé to show me that he loves me, and vice versa. I also realized that all of the love languages are important. Even though every person has primary and secondary love language, the other three can and should still be used to express our love to our spouses. Just by reading about all of the ways to show my fiancé that I love him, I was inspired to be a more loving future-wife.

At the end of the book, there is a short quiz to help you identify your primary and secondary love languages. I was excited to take the test and find out my own preferred expression of love! As it turns out, I’m bilingual. Both quality time and physical touch were equally matched as my primary love languages. Coming in second place, as my secondary, was words of affirmation. That means that the best ways to love me are through physical affection, spending time with me, and using words. Coincidentally, my fiancé’s primary love language is physical touch and his secondary is words of affirmation. Luckily for us, we share the same primary and secondary languages! Of course, he still has a little bit more work to do by giving me some quality time. Fortunately, we tend to spend almost all of our time together as it is and so far, he isn’t sick of me. After reading this book, I understand why we both feel so loved by each other all of the time as well as how we can improve. We are lucky to be natural speakers of each other’s languages, and now we are both well-educated on how we can love each other even more fully.

Of course, for most couples, the husband and wife do not share the same love languages. In these cases, both spouses must learn to speak the correct language to their partner. Luckily, the book is full of tips on how to do this! Whether you need to learn to use words, gifts, touch, time, or actions to express your love, there are plenty of great, simple ideas available right here.

I highly recommend this book to anybody in a relationship. Though it is based on Christian principles, the ideas can be applied by anybody. It not only works for marriages and romantic relationships, but for relationships with parents, children, other family members, and friends as well. In fact, Gary Chapman has an entire collection of books in the love languages series, including a men’s edition, “The Five Love Languages of Children,” “The Five Love Languages of Teenagers,” and “The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition.” Personally, I’m looking forward to reading the one about children so that I can learn to speak my child’s love language when the time comes.

So what about you? What’s your love language? I encourage you to read this book not only for your own benefit, but for the benefit of anybody whom you share a relationship with.

Good luck and happy loving!

 

 

 

 

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