Category: From The Before

The Westropp Zoo in 2019

We added a lot of new pets to our family this year! We started the year with four dogs, two cats, and two mice, and ended the year with 14 animals.

In January we adopted our puppy, Roscoe. He was the absolute worst puppy I have ever had, although Lila was a close second. (Smart dogs, it seems, are more challenging as puppies!) He is now about 14 months old, and finally to the point where I would consider him potty trained. He still chews things he’s not supposed to semi-regularly, but not as often as before, and he is still very bad about stealing food left on the table. But overall, he’s not the worst dog in the world. ? On the plus side, he is very smart and sweet and he is the cuddliest dog I’ve ever had. He’s also a good rollerblading companion.

Also in January, we bought two parakeets who we named Oliver and Oakley. They pretty much hate me, and do not like being handled whatsoever. However, their sounds are pleasant to listen to, and I have allowed their flight feathers to grow out so they can fly around the room when I open their cage, which is fun to watch.

In February, we sadly had to say goodbye to our beloved dog, Marley. He was 14 years old (or possibly even older), and beginning to decline with symptoms of congestive heart failure. I knew that I didn’t want him to suffer, so I chose to have him put to sleep gently at home after he began to lose interest in eating. Even though he started eating again on the day he was put to sleep, and he was still in many ways happy and energetic, I knew that it was an upswing that wouldn’t last. His last day with us was a very happy day for him, and he went to heaven without having to suffer through a long decline. It was a hard decision for me, but I have to believe I made the right one. And yes, I do believe he went to heaven! The Bible describes animals in heaven, and I can only hope that we will be reunited with loved ones, including our beloved pets, in paradise. ?

I adopted Marley when he was about a year old, and I was 13 years old. He had been with me through so much, and he was really the best-behaved dog of our pack by miles. He was also just special in so many ways. He was sweet, quirky, gentle, and goofy. I love and miss him very much, and I know I will never have another dog like him.

In April, one of our mice, Hazel, also passed away. We decided not to get another companion for her sister, Harriet, since mice don’t typically live past one or two years old and they were both already about one and a half at the time. Surprisingly, Harriet is still with us and just passed her second birthday!

After that, we adopted our three guinea pigs, Piper, Annie, and Calla. Piper and Annie were adopted together from a family who no longer wanted them. (Fun fact, they came in a cage so small that we now use it as a litter box). Calla was adopted from a teenager who no longer wanted her, even though she is incredibly friendly and sweet! (Fun fact number two, she previously lived alone in a tiny glass aquarium with no hay… which is not appropriate care for a guinea pig.) Our three pigs are now living in a luxurious 10 square foot enclosure with the unlimited hay they deserve. Not to mention the fresh veggies! It is one of my greatest joys of pet ownership to be able to provide excellent homes for my animals. ?

Not long after that, we found a bunny just hanging out in a neighbor’s yard, and took her home. She didn’t belong to the home we found her at, and I was hopeful she was abandoned simply for the fact that I very much wanted to keep her. We named her Cinder and she was the most friendly, sweet, and fun bunny I’d ever seen. Sadly, soon a neighbor from down the street came around handing out flyers for their lost bunny, and we very reluctantly returned her. That family was not caring for her properly, so it was particularly saddening.

At that point, we decided we wanted a bunny of our own and we adopted Ellie from a local rescue. She is a big, bold girl who will tolerate being petted more than most bunnies I’ve seen, but she still isn’t exactly what I’d call cuddly. Most bunnies are, by nature, timid creatures and won’t sit and be petted by people for long. We thought we could get a baby bunny, and if he was handled by us from a young age, he would be more cuddly—enter, Chester. Sadly, Chester has grown up to be a more standoffish bunny than Ellie, and he runs away without fail anytime I try to touch him.

We were about to give up on the idea of having a bunny anything like Cinder, but we decided to give it one more try and went to see if any of the bunnies at our local rescue were particularly friendly. Lo and behold, we met little Kit. He is very cuddly and doesn’t just tolerate being petted, but actually solicits attention. As a result of our search for the perfect bunny, we now have three!

Chester and Ellie are very well-bonded, but Kit has not been accepted into the herd. So, in our pet room where all of the small animals live, Kit has his own large enclosure, which takes up a little less than half of the room. The rest of the open space is for Chester and Ellie. All of the bunnies live cage-free, since they are litter-trained. Even though they don’t have total access to each other, Kit is able to easily see, smell, hear, and even lay next to the other buns on the other side of the fence, which I feel helps fulfill his social needs.

We are definitely at capacity with our small animals, and moving forward my plan is to allow all of them to live out their natural lives and not adopt any more. I’d actually love to eventually have one dog, one cat, one horse (boarded), and maybe one small animal (or at most one per child, if they want their own pet). Of course, that is at least a decade away from happening, so for now we are going to have a full house of animals!

In September, we made the tough decision to rehome Lila. For months, her and Macy had been fighting and Lila had been injured. Despite our concerted efforts to work with both dogs on training, and many alternative ideas we considered such as keeping our house divided using baby gates or keeping one dog crated at all times, we eventually came to the decision that all involved would be better off by rehoming Lila. She is better suited to be a single dog, and when it came down to it, the thought of rehoming Macy was unbearable. (Not to mention the increased difficulty of rehoming a bully breed dog with a history of aggression towards other dogs). For the record, Macy gets along just fine with other dogs at the dog park and with Sky and Roscoe. It was really a personal thing between her and Lila.

We did find a great home for Lila and noticed an immediate difference in our pack at home after she was rehomed. We know we made the right decision, and even though we miss Lila, we are happy that she is safe and happy now.

So with that, we are now at three dogs, two cats, three guinea pigs, three bunnies, two birds, and one mouse—a total of fourteen pets!

How do I manage it, you may ask? It’s actually not as hard as it may seem. It takes me under an hour a day to take care of all of the pet care responsibilities! Time spent petting animals and walking the dogs is not included in that, because a) I don’t walk my dogs every day, but when I do walk them I consider it fun, not a chore, and b) petting animals is also fun, not a chore.

Honestly, Cory and I often find ourselves at the end of the workday with all of the chores done and nothing to do! Despite what appears to be a full plate, we have a lot of spare time and we definitely have the capacity add more to our lives. That’s a big reason we know for sure that we are ready to have another baby.

I love having a lot of pets and it gives me something positive to do with my time and energy. I also love that my kids get to experience living with animals and learn how to care for them. I wouldn’t mind downsizing over time, as I mentioned before, and in fact I feel it would be quite nice to have only a few pets for a change. Nevertheless, I like things the way they are now and I’m glad that the Westropp Zoo is so interesting and fun.

 

2020 Update:

In late January, as of the time of this posting, we also have now added two betta fish to our zoo. While I truly didn’t want any more pets, I couldn’t resist a little “homeschool” lesson setting up a habitat for the fish with the kids. The fish are the kids’ first pets that belong to them, but of course as the adult I am the one responsible for taking care of them. The kids help feed them twice a day, which is fun for them, and they love to watch them swim around their aquariums. They even named them—Biscuit is Cody’s fish and Baby is Abigail’s.  

Our Experiences as a Host Family with Safe Families for Children Ministry

Last year, our family started a new adventure by caring for children in need. We became involved in a ministry called Safe Families for Children in late 2018 and continued throughout 2019. In our just-over-a-year time as a Safe Families host family, we took in eight children in total and cared for them for almost four months cumulatively.

What is Safe Families for Children? I’ve had to answer that question a lot this past year! First of all, it is a ministry, meaning it is supported by local churches and it is completely voluntary (unpaid). It is a program administrated through Olive Crest, which is an organization that also does foster care and adoptions. Safe Families for Children, however, is not foster care. It is a program to provide housing and care to children temporarily during times of crisis for families who have no other source of support.

Legally speaking, the organization links families in need with families who are able to help, and acts as a middle-man to set up a temporary caregiver authorization. The parents of the children who are being “hosted” retain full custody and are able to take their children back at any time. The host families are essentially long-term babysitters, and hostings typically last anywhere from a couple of days to a few months.

The most common reasons for parents to have their children hosted in Safe Families for Children are homelessness, health-related issues, and substance abuse. Families usually are referred to this organization through schools, hospitals, police officers, or CPS.

Our family chose to volunteer with Safe Families for Children because we were interested in becoming foster parents, but not sure we were quite ready to commit to such a big endeavor. We also knew we could not meet the qualifications for a foster care license because our children do not have separate bedrooms, and opposite gender kids are required to in foster homes. Up until the summer of 2019, our kids didn’t even have their own bedroom, as we’d chosen to co-sleep (and share our room) with both of them. Co-sleeping, even with your own children, is also not allowed for foster parents, so we knew we weren’t a good fit at that time.

Anyhow, we were happy to be a part of Safe Families and we gained so much from the experience. The children we took in were all between the ages of ten months and five years old, and four of them were babies. Twice we took in a pair of brothers, and we only ever hosted one girl. The parents of the kids we hosted were homeless, recovering from addiction, and/or struggling with mental illness. Not only did we get to help these eight children stay out of foster care by allowing their parents the time they needed to get back on their feet, but we also grew in many ways.

Caring for children who are not your own, especially when you already have young kids at home, is challenging! It was overwhelming at times, exhausting, and just plain hard. We dealt with disciplinary issues, sleep issues, and feeding issues. Many of the kids came to us with very little of their own clothing or belongings, and we spent a lot of money providing things that were needed for them. Our church also helped a ton, and so many people donated clothes and gift cards, brought us dinners, encouraged us, and prayed for us.

What I found most amazing was how even though it was hard, we could do it. We did do it. We kept all of the kids safe, fed, clothed, and cared-for, and we didn’t completely lose our minds in the process. I attribute this to God’s grace more than anything else. He gave us the strength to manage the chaos and he held everything together.

We also received an incredible gift as a result of our service—an increase in our capabilities as a family. Through all of the stretching, we came out on the other side stronger. In terms of how capable I feel to meet all of my responsibilities in life and manage everything well, I have found an increased capacity. I can handle so much more now than I could at the end of 2018!

Every time we sent one of our Safe Families children back to their parents, we had an amazing sense of relief. Going back to just two kids felt almost like going on vacation! Then, after a couple of weeks of rest, we were always ready to go back into the fray and start another hosting.

At this time, however, we have decided not to continue with the program.

 

Here is the story behind that decision…

Our last hosting started in November. That hosting was with two brothers, a 12-month-old and a 22-month-old. For privacy, I will use fake names for them, Tyler and Caiden.

Tyler was 22 months old at the beginning of our hosting, and I believe he is autistic. He is developmentally delayed, and doesn’t walk or talk beyond saying a few words on occasion. He also did not eat solid food at all for us, until the last week we had him, but he did still drink formula. Tyler wanted to be held, but only by me, nearly 24/7 and would cry any time he was put down.

Caiden was a much easier baby. He was born premature so he was also small for his age and not yet walking. He also had severe eczema and cradle cap that had not been treated. Both boys came to us extremely dirty, and did not seem used to being bathed. They did not sleep well at night, so we had to do sleep training. That is not something I typically agree with, but since I didn’t have my usual baby-sleep-encouragement tools—breastfeeding and co-sleeping—it was necessary for us to let them cry it out so that we could all get enough sleep to function.

Because of the boys’ special needs and how close in age they are, it was our most challenging hosting. We ended up asking for Safe Families to find another host family to host Tyler after our first week with him. But after only a few days with his new host family, he ended up in the hospital with signs of abuse. My heart was shattered, knowing that I’d handed him over to an abuser. All I could do at that point was continue caring for Caiden, and bring him to visit his parents in the hospital a couple of times.

After those distressing events, I developed a stronger and closer relationship with the boys’ parents. When he was released from the hospital, they wanted my family to keep both boys for a little while, and we agreed. But for some reason, Safe Families decided to end our hosting of Caiden at that point and even insisted on transferring him back to his parents themselves.

Within a week, we heard from the boys’ parents and they were once again in a bad situation with nowhere to go. We decided to take Tyler and Caiden in again, this time without involving Safe Families for Children. We all signed a temporary caregiver authorization form, which gave us some legal security and the ability to secure medical care for the boys if needed. Then we kept them for another two weeks before their parents were ready to take them back again.

During that time, we considered the possibility of adopting the boys, knowing that their parents were facing so many challenges. But when we gently asked questions about their thoughts on adoption, it was clear that although they appreciated our help very much, they weren’t willing to consider giving up the kids.

With that possibility closed, we decided to move forward with our own plans to have our third baby. Emotionally, we had moved on, especially after we gave the boys back to their parents. Sadly, it was less than a week after that before once again, they called us asking for more help.

We knew that the situation wasn’t sustainable, and we weren’t willing to care for the boys for the months that they were asking for, knowing that we would never be able to adopt them. At that point, we could also see that they weren’t taking the steps they needed to take or making any progress for securing long-term stability. The only option left for them was to allow Child Protective Services to step in and release the boys to foster care. That is the situation as it is now.

 

The reason I share this sad story is in part to explain why we no longer plan to be a part of Safe Families for Children, and in part to explain why we want even more now to become licensed foster parents in the future. While I believe in this ministry and their mission wholeheartedly, and I hope they will continue to help families in need, I also disagree with how the situation with this family was handled. I have deep concerns with how host families are screened, and how the parents they serve are treated.

But those issues aside, I can also see that there is a huge need for good, loving foster parents. There are so many terrible stories out there about abuses in the foster care system, and I want to be a part of the solution. Knowing that those boys who I cared for and came to love are now in foster care, I can only hope and pray that they are with a good family. I have no illusions about how foster children are often treated, and the possibilities of what they could be going through right now are distressing. Truly, all I can do to have peace is to trust God and his plan. He loves those boys, and I know he will use everything for the good.

For the time being, we are not planning on becoming foster parents just yet. We’ve decided that during my pregnancy (hopefully soon!) and postpartum we want to focus on our family of four-soon-to-be-five, especially knowing that there is a possibility I will not have the energy or feel well enough to care for extra children during my first trimester, and especially after the baby is born. It is also very important to us to co-sleep with our next baby, as we did with Cody and Abigail. Knowing that co-sleeping is not allowed for foster families, we will need to wait until we’re ready for baby #3 to sleep on his/her own before becoming foster parents.

We are also planning on adopting our fourth child through the foster care system. Knowing that, we will likely wait until our third child is about three or four years old, so that we can preserve our birth order and child spacing. During those few years, we may become emergency or respite foster parents, since we won’t be ready to adopt yet but we do want to help kids in need in some way.

So anyway! Those were my family’s experiences with Safe Families for Children, and it has been a huge blessing for us to be able to help others and be the hands and feet of Jesus in our world. I am definitely looking forward to seeing how God wants to use us to love and care for some of the most vulnerable people in our world—children in need—in the future.

No Paycheck

Money is so big in our world. Our lives revolve around it on some level, whether we want them to or not. Everything we do, eat, or use costs money, and therefore our lives are tightly tied to making and spending it.

As a stay-at-home mom, I’m obviously not paid. I don’t make any money to contribute to our family. Living in a money-driven society, being an unpaid worker is hard. Yes, I chose to have children and yes, I choose to stay home with them. Are those choices contributive to society? Yes, I sure think so!

Without children being brought into the world, the human race would die out. There are also benefits of having a stay-at-home parent for a child’s development, and regardless, a child who stays home with a parent is not using an outside resource for childcare, which leaves those resources available for others who need them.

But according to my non-existent paycheck, my work is worth zero dollars.

At times, it can be hard to not internalize this.

One thing that makes it even harder to believe in my value as a stay-at-home mom is the pressure to make money from home. SAHMs (stay-at-home moms) are frequently presented with opportunities to convert to WAHMs (work-at-home moms) by “making money from home.”

There are a seemingly unlimited number of businesses geared towards SAHMs, such as selling kitchen tools, clothing, cleaning products, essential oils, specialty skin care products, e-books, and more. There’s also blogging, life-coaching, virtual assistance, book-keeping, tutoring, and providing childcare to other children alongside your own. I have tried and failed to make money doing several of these things! And I’ve known many moms who have spent a lot of time and money investing in businesses like these, only to end up closing them because they don’t make enough money to cover expenses.

Many of these business models are actually predatory, designed to make most of their profit from the “momtrepreneur’s” startup costs, rather than their actual products. They basically know that most WAHMs won’t end up with a profitable long-term business, but they sell the idea of making money from home to moms who already feel undervalued by society. Diabolical!

Of course, we SAHMs constantly fall for it. I constantly find myself feeling the urge to make money, feeling distressed by the fact that I can’t, and then reminding myself that it’s okay because that’s not where my value comes from.

Societally, my value comes from what I contribute, which right now includes raising children who are healthy and capable and have good values, supporting my church by giving my time and managing my family’s tithing, helping families in crisis through the ministry Safe Families for Children, writing, providing a home and care for animals, and contributing to the economy by buying things my family needs and wants (with my husband’s income of course).

But beyond what society thinks, or how I contribute, I have an even deeper value, and that comes from God. Whether I lift a single finger in life or not, God sees me as priceless. He doesn’t value me for how hard I work or how much I contribute, and he certainly doesn’t value me based on how much money I make.

God calls me priceless because I am his creation, his daughter, and bought with the price of his son Jesus. He calls me valuable and gives me a job that is immensely more important than making money or “contributing” to the world I live in; that is sharing the love of Jesus with those around me and living my life to glorify him. I can do my part to help God’s family continue to grow and point more people towards Jesus, so they can have an eternity with Him in Heaven.

Ultimately it comes down to a choice. Do I want to have an earthly perspective and focus on making money and chasing “happiness” in this life? Or, do I want to have an eternal perspective and focus on living out my mission for God, and finding my joy in the Lord?

The truth is, I do care about having a nice life. It’s human nature to want that. I want that for myself and for my husband and for my kids. I don’t think that it’s wrong to want that, or to work for that. I am thankful that my husband has a great job and can support us comfortably, and I can afford to stay at home with my kids. But whenever I start to feel my money-driven-nature creeping in, I strive to remember that money isn’t where my value comes from, and contentment is so much more valuable than more income anyway.

As a stay-at-home mom, I would love to have a paycheck that reflects my value. But that isn’t the world we live in. Maybe someday it will be, but for now, at least I know that what I do is important, paycheck or not.

I Am Positive

A couple of weeks ago, I hit a wall with my parenting strategies. Specifically with discipline, I realized that what we have been doing is not working. I suddenly saw our interactions with the kids and our methods for handling misbehavior as if from an outsider’s perspective, and I didn’t like what I saw.

For about two years now, we have been using 1-2-3 Magic as our main form of a discipline system. This involves counting to three and giving timeouts for misbehaviors. Of course, to be fair, 1-2-3 Magic includes a lot more than that—the system is also full of tools for encouraging good behavior, fostering strong relationships between parents and children, and reducing negative interactions between parents and children.

Using 1-2-3 Magic properly, parents would not yell, nag, lecture, shame, or disrespect their children. Unfortunately, at least for me and Cory, we have found it impossible to use correctly. We had developed a habit of using a disrespectful tone and unkind words with our children, and even yelling at them, on a regular basis. One day I just realized that it was all falling apart.

As is my typical response, I turned to research. I decided it was time to look for something better. That was when I found Positive Parenting Solutions, and the online parenting course that they offer. I signed up and started learning all that I could right away.

It took me a week to complete the course, and I did spend a lot of time working through the material. I’ve taken this week off from homeschooling in order to finish the course and make a plan for implementing all that I’ve learned. I really felt like this was an urgent matter to deal with, because I didn’t want to go one more day without treating my children like the treasures they are (and being the best parent that I can be)!

Now that I’ve come out of the other side of it, I wanted to share some of the most important things I’ve learned and how Cory and I plan to change our ways as a parenting team.

This course is gold, in my opinion. I’ve read a lot of positive parenting and discipline books, but I have never found them to be practical or realistic. This course is incredibly actionable. It taught me a lot of concepts I already was familiar with from my studies of child development, but I had not been able to put to use with my children because of the realities of day-to-day parenting. Simply put, this course is not just a pile of theory—it’s a pile of tools that I can actually use—and I am!

To start, Positive Parenting Solutions finally changed my mind about punishment. As much as I’ve always wanted to be able to remove punishment from my parental arsenal, I have never found a replacement that would actually work. Kids need to learn how to behave in ways that are responsible and respectful, and their natural inclinations are anything but! How will they learn without experiencing consequences? How can we modify behavior without using the basic behavior modification tools of reward and punishment?

It turns out, there are ways. Is it as “easy” as simply doling out rewards for good behavior and punishments for bad behavior? No, it’s not. But guess what? Parenting is not easy. It’s not simple, either. It’s complex, and challenging, and requires a high level of effort and creativity and energy and patience. Oh, so much patience.

 

The problem with punishment, though, is that it causes animosity between parent and child. It doesn’t teach the child to behave better because they have learned an important lesson—though it may teach them to behave better out of fear or the desire to receive external rewards. I don’t want my children to be motivated that way! I want them to have an internal compass of right and wrong, and feel good about doing good because it’s right. I certainly don’t want them to act out of fear.

This concept hit home because the reason I even took this course was directly tied to my realization that punishing my kids with time-outs wasn’t helping them learn to behave better. It was causing me to feel more anger and frustration towards them, and them to feel less connected to me as well.

Now, I have better options in my toolbox. A whole lot of them are focused on preventing misbehavior by laying a strong foundation of positive attention, empowerment, and training in appropriate behavior. These positive tools, such as having daily one-on-one time with each child and providing many opportunities for the kids to make choices throughout their day, are already making a big difference in my family. An ounce of prevention really is worth a pound of cure!

For the times when children still misbehave, because they will, I now have calmer, kinder, more respectful ways of handling it that really work, without threatening anybody’s dignity. I can use natural consequences, control the environment and the order in which privileges are enjoyed, ignore certain inappropriate behaviors, and use coaching to help my children learn better ways of behaving—just to name a few of my new tools.

This course also directed me to an extremely valuable resource for handling Cody’s potty training struggles, one of the bigger areas of conflict we’ve been dealing with. I learned that kids his age having accidents are experiencing a health problem, not misbehaving. It turns out, there is a little known but strongly established link between constipation and accidents, and kids over the age of four who are still having accidents are almost always chronically constipated and have blockages in their colons. (It often goes undetected because constipated kids can still poop every day, even with those blockages!) Now that I have this knowledge, I can help him rather than blame him for something he can’t control.

But anyway, that’s really a topic for a different post. My point is, I have learned an incredible amount of valuable information and I have so much hope that my parenting is going to improve tremendously now, and our lives will all be so much better for it.

This is all an amazing answer to prayer, by the way! The night before I found Positive Parenting Solutions, I wrote in my prayer journal asking God to help me figure out a solution to our parenting struggles. I told him I didn’t know what I needed, but I trusted that he did. The next day, I started researching and found this program, and I have been moving in the right direction ever since. God is good!

Here’s to always growing and becoming the best versions of ourselves we can be—with God’s help! I can’t wait to see the type of parent I become in the months and years ahead.

Side note: I am not saying I am a bad parent, or that people who use punishment and rewards are bad parents. I happen to believe I am a wonderful mom, though not perfect, and I know that intentions matter. There are many styles of parenting and I am focused on parenting in the best way I can, based on my research, understanding, and beliefs. That’s all any of us can do! No judgement here.

7 Things I Learned {And One Thing I Ignored} From ParentShift

I recently read a parenting book called ParentShift. This book describes a positive approach to parenting that the authors call “heart-centered”.

Some suggestions in this book are ones I completely and strongly disagree with—such as the opinion that all punishments and rewards are bad disciplinary tools. I am still a proponent of 1-2-3 Magic, which I have found to be very practical and effective for my family. {We use time-outs, removing privileges, logical consequences, as well as verbal corrections and praise}.

However, what I did love about ParentShift is the focus on children’s emotional needs.

It can be easy to forget that children have emotional needs that look different from adult needs. Many times, unwanted behaviors stem from unmet needs, or a misunderstanding of where children are developmentally and what they really need. This book does a wonderful job of creating awareness in this area.

Here are some of the helpful insights and tools I learned from this book:

 

1. Children’s emotional needs can be boiled down to the acronym SPECIAL.  

S stands for smile, which represents fun, laughter, and play. Children need to play and laugh to be emotionally healthy. Silliness is part of being a well-balanced kid!

P stands for power, which represents children having choices, gaining competency, and being given responsibilities. Allowing children to make some of their own choices, and create their own personal boundaries, is powerful and important. Training children to do things for themselves, teaching them skills, and expecting them to contribute to the family’s chores are all important ways of not only meeting children’s emotional needs, but raising productive individuals.

E stands for exploration. This represents allowing children to follow their interests, try new things, experience life, and experiment with the world around them. In young children, exploration is a need to see, touch, and taste things. In older children, it may look more like trying different sports or hobbies, choosing their own electives in school, and forming their own worldviews.

C stands for connection, which essentially means having meaningful and engaged relationships with family members, particularly parents. High-level connections are created when we actively engage with our children. Parents can foster strong connections with their children by meeting their emotional needs, being supportive, and of course, being loving.

I stands for important. Children need to feel that they matter, and that their opinions are important to their parents. While parents may often know what’s best, there are also times when we simply have our own opinions, which are neither right nor wrong. Taking our children’s feelings and views into account helps them to feel important, which they are!

A stands for attention, specifically quality attention and listening. Giving children some undivided, focused attention each day—think eye contact, loving touch, and active listening—helps to meet their emotional needs. 

L stands for love. Children need unconditional love, affection, and acceptance. They need to know that they are treasured and cared for no matter what. As a Christian, I believe that our unconditional love is a reflection of God’s love for us and our children, and teaching children how valuable they are to God is the best foundation for a healthy self-esteem.

 

2. Parents should keep an eye on the balance of their children’s emotional bank accounts.

When we meet children’s emotional needs, we make deposits into their emotional bank accounts. When we have conflict with our children, we make withdrawals. It can be helpful to remember that while every parent will (and must) make withdrawals at times, we are also able to make many more deposits. Fun, affection, focused attention, and active listening are all great ways to fill up a child’s emotional bank account.

 

3. There is a difference between reacting and responding.

When parents simply react to their children, they often lack intention and do or say things that they later regret. But when we take time to respond thoughtfully to our children, we can feel more confident in our parenting. In stress mode, the brains of both children and adults are reactive, rather than responsive.

It serves us well to use a technique called Pause-Breathe-Ask when we find ourselves, and/or our children, in stress mode. This simply means that we stop before saying or doing what we immediately want to say or do. Then we breathe deeply a few times, which helps our brains to disperse those stress hormones and lets our reasoning abilities come back online. Then we ask ourselves, what does my child need in this moment? Doing Pause-Breathe-Ask allows us to better do our jobs as parents, rather than simply reacting impulsively. It also models self-regulation for our children.

*This part is my opinion, and not in the book. I would add that when it comes to tantrums, children are already in stress mode, and they are unable to be reasoned with at that point. Allowing children to express those emotions {have that tantrum} is necessary before offering comfort or discussing feelings. We don’t need to give them attention or attempt to punish them, we can simply ignore them until they are calm. It’s also okay to calmly and gently help them move to an appropriate location when they are expressing their emotions loudly.

 

4. Children’s developmental stages and individual temperaments are important

Understanding where a child is developmentally means being educated about what behaviors and abilities are typical at their specific age. Understanding a child’s individual temperament means learning about who that child is uniquely, in terms of eight key characteristics: emotional intensity, persistence, sensitivity, distractibility, adaptability, regularity, activity level, and approach to new things. There are no “good” or “bad” temperaments—we are all created different, and that’s okay! Having a clear understanding of a child’s stage of development and individual temperament is helpful for parents to create realistic expectations.

 

5. Parents must set limits and boundaries.

Limits are rules set in place that are based on health, safety, respect, and responsibility. They vary by family, but there are many universally accepted limits as well. Boundaries are our personal limits of what we will and will not accept. Limits and boundaries should be reasonable, age-appropriate, consistent, and explainable. That means that there should be a reason for each limit and boundary—even if that reason is simply, “I am not comfortable with that.”

We should also allow our children to set their own personal boundaries. Children should be allowed to decide what they wear (within reason), how much they eat, how they feel, whether they want to be touched, and what interests/hobbies/sports they want to participate in. Children’s privacy should be respected, with agreed-upon safety measures in place.

 

6. Sibling rivalry can be managed with many tools.

Parents can prevent sibling rivalry as much as possible by meeting each child’s needs, treating children uniquely for who they are, avoiding comparisons, avoiding taking sides, encouraging teamwork, making “sharing” fair and respectful, teaching children how to calm themselves down, and being aware of triggers {such as too much screen time, not enough sleep, too much sugar, etc.}.

When fights between siblings do happen, parents can simply ignore bickering, squabbling, and other minor (though annoying) fighting. When fights heat up to involve name-calling, bullying/intimidation, or are about to or have become physical, parents should intervene.

 *This is my approach, and not in the book: for sibling rivalry that goes beyond bickering, I use 1-2-3 Magic and count them both.

 

7. Power struggles can also be managed with many tools.

Prevention is the best medicine, and power struggles can often be prevented by offering choices, adding fun, keeping limits and boundaries reasonable, and maintaining a strong connection with our children.

When conflicts arise, we can simply state the limit or boundary in a friendly tone. We can use “do” statements instead of “don’t” statements—”please use a quiet voice in the house,” instead of “don’t yell.” We can use one-word reminders—“shoes,” instead of “put your shoes away”—or even a simple gesture (such as pointing to the shoes). We can also let our children save face; allowing them to have the last word or display of attitude is fine, as long as the rules are followed and everyone moves on afterward.

*In 1-2-3 Magic, this is also discussed. As long as the child isn’t trying to rub their attitude in your face, like following you around with a pouting expression, then just let it go. A little door slam, eye-roll, or exasperated sigh never killed anyone. We aren’t raising robots, we’re raising human beings. 

 

Those are the gems of wisdom I discovered in the book, ParentShift. I didn’t find the entire system to be practical for my family, for the ages and stages of my kids right now. And I didn’t appreciate the heavy-handed message that parents are essentially ruining their children by continuing to use other systems.

However, I can definitely see the benefits of using many of the concepts and tools in this book. Especially as my children get older, I hope to move away from punishments and rewards more and more, and be able to use only positive discipline tools—but for young children, internal motivation is not very powerful, and parents often do need to create external motivators.

Even in my preferred parenting book, 1-2-3 Magic, an emphasis is placed on the goal of gradually moving from a “dictatorship” to a “democracy.” By the time children become teenagers, they are much more able to be active participants in their own discipline—they are able to feel strong intrinsic motivation, help decide on family rules, contribute meaningfully to the running of the household, accept responsibility for their mistakes, and brainstorm and follow through with making amends when necessary. The goal is ultimately raising adults, not children. {Adult kids may always need their parents, but they can also be responsible, competent, critically-thinking, and self-motivated. This is the goal!}

It’s Raining Cats, Dogs, and Birds!

The year 2019 is still young, but it’s been a significant one for the pets in my family. As you may know, my family is big on pets. We had eight when I posted about them last, but we reached the big 10 not long after that. We’re back down to nine now, since one of our mice, Hazel, passed away.

In mid-February, we said goodbye to our beloved Marley. He had congestive heart failure and periodontal disease, and his weight was dipping lower and lower. Although he still had good days, he also had days when he wouldn’t eat. I chose to euthanize him before his suffering increased. It was a terrible choice to have to make, but I believe I did right by him. He was fourteen years old, and spent thirteen of those years with me. I miss him very much, and I know I will never have a dog quite like him. He was smart, sweet, gentle, and very quirky. He was loved and is missed by many people.

So, that’s the sad news. But in our home, and hearts, there seems to always be room for more creatures to love.

We have added three pets to our home since the beginning of the year!

Roscoe is our five-month-old puppy. He’s small, estimated to be 25 lbs fully grown and currently weighs 18 lbs. We think he’s a Shiba Inu mixed with Shetland Sheepdog (AKA Sheltie), which makes him a Sheltie Inu. ?

He’s very sweet, affectionate, and generally mellow. He isn’t as mischievous as Lila was as a puppy, but he also isn’t as well-behaved as Macy was. It’s been challenging to potty train him, and he’s not there yet, but he’s made great progress since we adopted him in January. He is a very pack-focused dog, and bonded to our other dogs much more quickly than he bonded to the humans in our family. He does not like to be separated from his pack sisters! He has come to love us humans as well. He’s pretty adorable, too.

Other than Roscoe, we also added two parakeets to our home. They are named Oliver and Oakley, and are both males (well, Oliver definitely is, and we think Oakley is too but time will tell for sure.) Oakley is an English Budgie, who we got from a local breeder. Oliver is an American Parakeet, who we bought from a pet store. They don’t like to be handled (yet), but they don’t bite and they can be coaxed/chased onto my finger with some patience. They are the best of friends, and love to be in their cage. (Really! When I take them out, they always climb back in within 20 minutes.)

As I already mentioned, our mouse Hazel recently passed away. We still have her sister, Harriet, and she seems to be healthy despite her age (mice have a very short lifespan of one to two years, and Harriet is now about 1 ½).

Macy is also fully grown now, and is our only “big” dog. She weighs 57 lbs. We recently realized she’s an American Staffordshire Terrier, rather than an American Pit Bull Terrier. And our precious pittie is now a Canine Good Citizen, a title awarded by the American Kennel Club. We worked hard training for the test, and I was very proud when Macy passed!

So, all of that means we now have four dogs, two cats, two birds, and one mouse. It may sound like a lot, but it’s really not to us! We are looking forward to adding more pets to our family in the future. ?

Finally

In January 2016, Cory and I started praying and believing for a remote job for him. Cory wanted so badly to be able to work from home, and I wanted it too. On the few days when he was allowed to work remotely at the job he had then, it was like night and day. Even though he still spent eight hours working, away from me and the kids in the office, he was able to pop down for five minutes here and there, and have lunch with us. Just knowing he was there and I could get a quick breather if I needed it gave me the mental sense of peace that helped me feel so much more content during the day.

We spent over three years praying, hoping, and working towards this goal. Cory applied to hundreds of jobs, and had dozens of interviews. Several times he came extremely close to landing a job. But every time, there was at least one big problem that got in the way. Either the salary was way too low, or they offered almost no vacation time, or they required travel, or they simply decided to go a different way.

In February of this year, Cory finally received a verbal job offer after a thorough interview process. It was a fantastic job, and we were so excited. But a few days later, the company rescinded the offer. They had decided not to hire for a remote position after all.

We were upset, but it was just another drop in the bucket at that point. We’d been waiting for so long that we were past expectant, past frustrated, past tired, past thinking about giving up. We weren’t giving up, but we also weren’t sure that it was God’s will for Cory to have a remote job. We were in a place of surrender to God’s will, whatever it was, and for lack of a clear direction from Him that we should stop trying, Cory was still continuing to apply for jobs. It was almost like a thing he just did, without necessarily expecting anything to come from it.

But finally, last month, it happened. Our three year wait is OVER and Cory received a job offer which he accepted, and is now working from home!

It’s been only a week at his new job, but our lives are so different. We have about an extra hour of time each day, which combined with Cory starting his day a lot earlier, means he gets off of work much earlier every day now. We have so much time to spend as a family now, and it’s truly wonderful! We eat lunch together every day, and I get a small break in the middle of the day to meditate and write in my prayer journal, which refreshes me beyond belief.

The pay raise he received is already helping our financial situation, and getting us closer to paying off our debts. And being remote means that we are now free to live anywhere that we want—and we are super excited about the next big adventure we’re planning, moving to Tennessee in 2020!

God has taught us so much through this waiting period. We have a history of receiving things from God very quickly, so this lesson in patience was one we needed. We learned to not only trust him and believe him for things, but also submit to his will and learn contentment.

We are so thankful for God’s great blessings in our lives. It never ceases to amaze me when I think about how lucky I am, and how much God has done for me. God is good!

Book Review – “Wait, What?”

This is a review of the book Wait, What? And Life’s Other Essential Questions, by James E. Ryan.

Fun fact: I have only done two-(ish) book reviews (other than this one) in all of my time blogging, and that was four years ago. That is strange because I absolutely love to read, and I read a lot. Maybe I’ll start doing more. But anyway!

I read this book in two days, because I found it hard to put down. That’s always a good thing, but it has never happened to me before with a nonfiction book that wasn’t a memoir. Usually I reserve my book-devouring for really compelling fiction. This book was just so, so good that I HAD to write a review about it, even if nobody reads this post. 🙂

This book is about five essential questions that we should all be asking ourselves and others in life. The premise is that asking these questions regularly will help us to become the people we want to be, living satisfying and worthwhile lives. It seems a little “fluffy” at first glance, but this book was incredibly inspiring, encouraging, and touching. There were many times reading it that I actually teared up! It was that poignant.

The author, James E. Ryan, writes in a very easy to understand and entertaining way. It’s what kept me reading, wanting to see what funny comment, gem of wisdom, or moving story he was going to share next. He is the kind of writer I would aspire to be one day.

But back to the five essential questions. “Wait, what?” is a question that represents pausing to gather more information before jumping to conclusions. This question leads to understanding. If we only stop to ask clarifying questions before making judgments, we would be able to communicate more openly and positively.

“I wonder…?” is a question that allows us to consider possibilities, and follow our curiosity in meaningful ways. Being curious is the beginning of progress and great discoveries, both personally and for humanity in general.

“Couldn’t we at least…?” is a question of how we can find common ground with others, or how we can compromise, or how we can take first steps toward something that seems too big at first glance. This question is in some ways the opposite of despair. Instead of worrying about some problem being too big, or our differences being too big, we can see that there is still something we can do, or agree on.

“How can I help?” is a question concerning how we treat others. It involves humility, kindness, compassion, sympathy, empathy, and ultimately, action. It teaches us to look outside of our own concerns and pour into others.

“What truly matters?” is a question about the most important things in life. It sorts out the temporary and insignificant from the truly valuable and lasting things. As a Christian, this question is a good reminder of keeping an eternal perspective, rather than focusing on the circumstances of my day-to-day. What is God’s purpose for my life, and how does he work that out through these seemingly mundane details? Questions like this put life into perspective, and help us to keep our priorities on what truly matters: things like loving God and people, being kind, valuing and caring for our family, serving others, appreciating and perhaps even creating beauty, finding happiness, and leaving a legacy.

These questions altogether build a picture of a human being who is understanding, curious, wise, kind, and purposeful. Something as simple as being intentional about the kinds of questions we are asking ourselves and others can create a mindset that changes our lives and our world for the better.

This book is definitely one I would recommend for everybody to read! It can make you laugh and cry, as it helps you to think deeply about life and grow as a person. It’s a relatively quick, and thoroughly enjoyable read. I give it five stars!


Honey, What’s for Dinner?

For as long as I’ve been married, I’ve done some form of meal planning. For me, there was just no other way to handle groceries and dinners—which I suddenly became responsible for, once I was no longer living with my parents! I know there are people who like to wing it when it comes to what they’re going to eat each day. But for me, meal planning helps me save money, time, and energy, and it helps my family eat better.  

For the past few years, I’ve been planning all of my family’s dinners for the week, on a weekly basis. We tend to choose from a few different options for breakfasts and lunches each day, but dinner is the meal that I plan ahead for. I keep a grocery list on my phone, which I add to whenever we’re running low on staples. Before we go grocery shopping, I also add to the list all of the specific things that we need for our dinners that week. Shopping this way keeps our trips quick and efficient, and prevents us from buying things we don’t need.  

In 2019, I’ve decided to take meal planning a step further, and plan out four weeks at a time. So far, it’s worked really well! Here’s how I did it. 

  1. I made a list of our 16 favorite dinners. I chose only meals that we really enjoy, and look forward to eating. I also have a policy of making our dinners balanced—meaning every meal has protein, grains, and vegetables.  
  2. I organized a meal rotation plan with four meals from our top 16 per week. I made sure that each week only has one or two “involved” dinners, meaning meals that require a fair amount of hands-on prep and cooking time. The other two to three dinners are relatively quick and easy.  
  3. I planned for one freezer meal, one leftover night, and one night eating out (or ordering in) each week. That covers seven days of the week for dinners.  

Freezer meals are dinners that we’ve cooked or prepared in large batches and frozen for later use. Most of them are soups, and all of them are cooked by defrosting and/or cooking in the Instant Pot or on the stove. If I prepare one batch of a freezer meal on one weekend per month, I have more than enough to work for my plan.  

Leftover nights help us to use up our leftovers from the other meals that week. This way, we waste very little food! If we end up not having much leftover food to choose from, we have a “cheat night” and make something really simple (and not necessarily balanced), like mac n’ cheese, grilled cheese, or pizza. 

Using this plan, we have so much more variety than we used to have, when I only planned one week at a time. It’s also nearly effortless to plan our dinners now. All I do is look at my meal rotation plan, which I keep in a note on my phone, and copy over the dinners for that week onto my weekly planner. I use a printable weekly planner, which I fill out at the beginning of each week and hang on the fridge.  

This meal plan is also super flexible! Based on what plans I have for the evenings in any given week, I can arrange the meals in a way that works best. I plan to have the easier/faster dinners on busier days. I can also swap dinners from day to day, based on what we feel like having or any changes of plan that come up. On our week with a planned date night, we set that night as our “eating out” night and feed the kids a simple dinner before we go. On weeks when we’re cooking fresh meat or fish, we can make those dinners on the day or the day after we go grocery shopping, so nothing spoils.  

One of the best benefits to my four-week dinner plan is that I’ve noticed we are eating a lot more vegetables! Many of the meals I’ve chosen have vegetables we wouldn’t eat otherwise, like baby broccoli or cabbage. For meals with a side dish vegetable, I made strategic choices so that we will eat a variety of veggies, instead of eating just our few favorites. It feels good to see that now, a bigger portion of our grocery haul is produce. 

Another benefit is that we can now easily avoid buying things that we would end up wasting. Every so often, we may try something new if it looks good at the store, but for the most part, we only buy what we need for our meal plan. New dinners and recipes only make it in if they are really good!  

For me, meal planning is one of the simplest and most important things I can do to make my home run smoother. Like budgeting, it’s a basic necessity! It’s just another way I stay organized and keep my life simplified.  

Below is my monthly menu. I hope this gives you ideas and inspiration for a meal plan that works for you and your family. 

Week 1:

  • Ramen noodle soup (homemade, of course!) 
  • Pasta with marinara sauce and Italian sausage 
  • BBQ chicken breasts or drumsticks with baked beans and whole grain rolls 
  • Shrimp chow mein with edamame 

Week 2: 

  • Spaghetti and meatballs 
  • Chicken coconut curry with rice 
  • Baked breaded fish with quinoa and peas and corn 
  • Steak with baked potatoes and whole grain rolls 

Week 3: 

  • Hamburgers (with veggie toppings like lettuce, sautéed onions, avocado, etc.) 
  • Bratwurst on buns with fried potatoes 
  • Chicken and veggie pita wraps 
  • Chicken fettucine alfredo with salad 

Week 4: 

  • Coconut chicken adobo with rice 
  • Tacos 
  • Shrimp linguini with zucchini 
  • Pulled pork (or shredded BBQ chicken) sandwiches with green beans 

My Freezer Meal List: 

  • Chili 
  • Taco soup 
  • Chicken & rice soup 
  • Chicken noodle soup 
  • Chicken dumpling soup 
  • Cheesy potato soup 
  • Baked ziti 
  • Meatloaf 
  • Beef stew 
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