Last night, my fiancé and I attended our last premarital counseling session. We were thoroughly excited to complete this experience and “graduate” from the program as mature, enlightened adults ready to embark on the adventure of marriage. To my great surprise, however, God had different plans.
Though the session started like any other, it ended on a bit of a sour note. After discussing the material from the final chapter, they left the room for a few minutes to “make a copy” of some paper that they wanted to give us. Cory and I were suspicious when our female counselor insisted several times that her husband went with her to make the copy; we both had a feeling that they were discussing us. Sure enough, when they came back into the room they told us that they had some things to say. After a lot of elaborate explanation, they eventually came out and plainly said that they did not think that we are ready to get married at this point.
After that, I held Cory’s hand as we sat there together, stoically and patiently listening as they explained their reasoning. They told us that they felt that we are not spiritually mature enough yet, that we are too young, and that our communication skills are not refined enough at this point. They wanted us to cancel our wedding (which is in two months!) and wait until we are finished with college to reschedule− that would be three years from now. They warned us that if we didn’t heed their advice, we’d be taking an extremely difficult path that would probably make our marriage suffer. And as a final stinging blow, they told us that they were not going to recommend that our pastor marry us. Due to the fact that this program was through the same church that our pastor is affiliated with, and the fact that successfully completing premarital counseling is a requirement to be married by a pastor from this church, this essentially means that our pastor may not be able to marry us. It all depends on whether or not he is willing to go against their recommendation.
Of course, despite everything that they said, my fiancé and I are 100% confident that we are ready for marriage. We do realize that we are young, of course, but God has no prejudice against the young. I believe that as long as you have put in the time and the effort to get to know somebody at a deep personal level, and as long as you are committed to this person and fully understand what it means to be married for life, there is no reason that age should be a barrier. As the Bible says, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12).
We also know that we have a lot of growing to do spiritually, both individually and as a couple, but let’s be honest; who doesn’t? Personally, I do not believe in the “perfect Christian.” I firmly believe that as humans, we will always have a lot of growing to do and we will never reach a point at which we can be considered above reproach. I believe that in a personal relationship with Christ, there is always room for improvement. I will never be at a place where I can say that I am perfect in my spirituality. That being said, my fiancé and I are committed mind, body, soul, and heart to Jesus Christ. We are individually pursuing growth in our personal relationships with our God by reading the Bible, praying, and seeking fellowship with other like-minded Christians. As a couple, we are pursuing this growth as well by regularly attending church together, daily discussion of our spiritual thoughts and experiences, regular prayer together (typically at least three times per week), and seeking fellowship with like-minded Christian couples. This change in our relationship to one that is Christ-centered has brought us a deeper connection to each other and to God, and personally I cannot wait to see how our relationship flourishes in the future as we continue to grow spiritually.
As for communication, my fiancé and I are, like any couple, not perfect. That being said, I definitely feel that we do pretty well in this department. Both of us were most surprised by the fact that this was an issue that the counselors brought up; neither of us have ever really felt that this was a problem for us!
But more important than all of that, I feel, is the fact that we are truly committed to get through anything. Divorce is not a possibility for us. I am only so confident in this fact because of one thing though, and that’s God. We didn’t gain our confidence from our own superior abilities or relationship skills; our confidence comes from our God. We cling to our Lord as an anchor for our marriage, and we refuse to let go of our commitment to Him as individuals or as a couple. As a result, our commitment to each other is strengthened and cemented. As the Bible says, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9).
Moving on from the qualifications of our relationship, though, I’d like to touch on some very important lessons that this experience has taught us.
One thing I’ve learned is that the church is not perfect. It is made up of imperfect people who make mistakes. Never once during this whole experience did I translate this pain inflicted by representatives of the church as pain inflicted by God. This realization was a simple reminder that I worship God, not a church, and that though church can be a wonderful place to be with fellow Christians and experience community, it is not perfect.
On that same note, I also learned patience and understanding because of this situation. I had to ask God to take away my anger and frustration at our counselors because I knew that they weren’t trying to hurt us. I knew that they had the best intentions in everything they said to us. Whether or not the things that they said were right or wrong, I know that they were said with loving and godly intentions. Because of that, I was able to maintain my manners and not snap at them. That is also the reason that I don’t hate them, even now; I know that they were just trying to help.
Another thing that I’ve learned is that we are not responsible for the expectations of others. We are only responsible for God’s expectations, and even in that we are always forgiven for our shortfalls. We are placed on this earth not to please people, but to please God. We want our marriage to bring glory to God above all else. Whether people approve or not is not going to change God’s view of our decision to get married.
One final and fairly huge blessing that this experience has brought to my relationship with Cory is the way that it has drawn us closer to God. In the face of adversity and without the support that we would love to see from our church, we have instead sought God as our main source of support. We’ve looked to Him for comfort for the emotional pain that we felt as a result of this situation. We’ve looked to Him for guidance and conviction in our decision. We’ve looked to Him for the strength to go into this marriage with the intention and purpose of glorifying Him. As a result, we’ve grown more spiritually as a couple in the past 24 hours than we have over the past week. Despite the pain of this experience, I’m very thankful for the results that it brought.
Certainly, we had pictured things going differently. But the way that they went, frustrating as it is, happened for a reason. I can only keep my faith in God and trust that He has a plan for all of this.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10