In my last post, I wrote about different parenting styles. I also mentioned the downfalls of physical punishment, and explained why according to child development experts today, it is not an acceptable method of discipline.

Discipline is still important, however. Permissive parents typically avoid disciplining their children because they believe that children should figure things out for themselves. This is not the best approach to parenting, however. The simple truth is that children need guidance to learn right from wrong. If we expect children to grow up to be functioning members of our society, then we need to socialize them appropriately. Children raised without discipline are not happier than other children, because children crave security. They look to adults to be in control, and it can be quite frightening and confusing to them when they are expected to figure everything out by themselves. Giving children discipline simply means providing guidance, necessary rules, and enforcement of those rules. This is different from punishment, which involves “paying children back” for misbehavior.

It is true that in our society, breaking the rules usually does lead to punishment of some kind. It might make sense, then, to teach children that misbehaving leads to punishment. After all, it is important for us to raise children to prepare them for life in our society. But on the other hand, as individual adults interacting with individual children, we have an opportunity to do better. Our society is big, and in order to maintain some semblance of control we resort to extrinsic motivation. We punish and reward citizens to encourage appropriate behavior. When we are working with children, though, we have an opportunity to guide them towards intrinsic control— self-control based on an inner desire to do right. We can nurture this desire in children by using positive guidance techniques instead of negative punishment.

The school of thought known as positive child guidance asserts that punishment is not the best way to guide children. Again, children do need discipline, but punishment may not be the best way to provide it. Discipline means giving correction and guidance with the goal of helping the child to make better decisions in the future, whereas punishment is usually more about “giving the child what he or she deserves” for a bad decision. Punishment may or may not actually improve the child’s behavior in the future, but it does often lead to resentment and rebellion. So how can we enforce our rules without punishment? Positive disciplinary methods are an option.

The book How to Talk So Kids Can Learn: At Home and in School by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is one of the books that we used in my Child Guidance class. It is full of very useful tools to help parents and teachers to be more effective. One of the chapters is about alternatives to punishment. In this chapter, the author explains that the intent of punishment is usually to hurt, deprive, or get back at a child in order to teach them a lesson. On the other hand, the intent of positive guidance is to help the child learn self-discipline. A child who learns self-discipline is more prepared for a productive, positive life as an adult than a child who learns to behave to avoid punishment.

The book offers six alternatives to punishment. The first is to point out a way to be helpful. For example, if a child is upset and starts to yell at his/her parent, the parent can say “I understand that you are frustrated right now. It would be helpful if you could express yourself without yelling.” The second alternative is to express your strong disapproval without attacking the child’s character. In this same example, the parent could say “I feel very upset when people yell at me.” A third alternative is to state your expectations; “I expect you to express yourself without yelling at me.” A fourth alternative is to show the child how to make amends for the inappropriate behavior. A parent could say “I would like you to come up with a list of some other ways for you to express your feelings without yelling at me.”

If the child still does not cooperate, the parent can offer a choice. For example, “You can scream into or punch your pillow, or you can take a few deep breaths and calm down.” Finally, the sixth alternative is to let the child experience the natural consequences of his or her actions. It is important that the consequences are not punishments, but instead logical repercussions of what he or she has done. The parent can say “When you yell at me, I feel too upset to talk to you anymore and I cannot help you with your problem.” Then, the parent should follow through by walking away and letting the child experience the natural consequence— that nobody wants to be around somebody who takes out their anger on others by yelling at them.

The point in all of these alternatives to punishment is that a negative behavior is not ignored. If a child does something that breaks a family rule, he or she should be confronted about it. Depending on the specific misdeed, certain techniques may be more appropriate than others. For example, if one child hits another then it would not be enough to simply say “I expect you to use your words to express yourself instead of hitting.” That would be a great start, but it is also important to show the child that she needs to make amends or else suffer the consequences. We can suggest that she apologize, but only if she feels sincerely sorry. We can also suggest other ways for her to make amends, such as inviting the other child to play or offering a hug. The point is that the child is encouraged, but not forced to make up for what she did. If a child is not sorry for doing something bad, or refuses to make amends, then allowing her to experience the natural consequences may be the best option. A child who hits another and then refuses to apologize will probably be left out at playtime. We can then talk to the child about why she is being left out and once again encourage her to make amends.

Now I know that all of this may sound naive. I personally have a hard time believing that this could really work at times. But then I realize that these methods really do work for many people. The stories are out there! And I think about the difference that I felt as a child when I received a punishment versus when somebody simply told me they were disappointed in me. When I was punished, I felt angry, sad, resentful, or victimized. When I was told that I had disappointed somebody, I felt disappointed in myself and then I felt motivated to improve.

Imagine that you are a child and you have just said a bad word in a moment of anger. Think about which of the following you would rather hear: “If I ever hear you say that word again, I’ll wash your mouth out with soap!” or “That word really upsets me. I’d like to see a list of other words that you can use to express your anger.” The first option might make you feel rebellious, but the second option seems more likely to make you feel appropriately convicted of what you did, and then encouraged to do better. You might even feel empowered to control your tongue by the list of alternative words that you come up with. And in the end, you learn not to use curse words out of courtesy for others instead of to avoid punishment. For me, it seems pretty clear that positive guidance is a much more attractive, and in the end a more effective, way to discipline.

In my next post, I will address time-outs, tantrums, and age/temperament/ability considerations related to discipline. There is so much to write about on this topic, and I’m very excited to share my thoughts with you!