For the past two weeks, my husband and I have been going to a weekly event at our new church called “Couples Connection.” It’s a four week Bible study/class for married couples, aimed at strengthening and/or improving marriages. While Cory and I have been doing really well, we are always open to opportunities to make our marriage even better. This class has been really great so far, and I wanted to share some of the things that we’ve learned.
The theme of the class is “What’s it like being married to me?” In other words, we are each looking at our own behavior and attitudes towards our spouse to figure out what we can improve or continue doing, so that our marriage can grow stronger.
The first week, the session was framed around the question was “Am I his/her biggest fan?” We focused on thinking about how the things we do either build our husband/wife up or tear him/her down. For example, when we have conflict, as all healthy marriages do, we can either make it destructive or constructive. Destructive conflict involves attacking the person, whereas constructive conflict involves attacking the problem. When we work through conflict together as husband and wife, we need to focus on finding a solution to the problem, not attacking the other person.
The words we say also have a lot of power in a marriage. Our words and our hearts should be truthful and loving. Vowing to tell the truth consistently, completely, and kindly is extremely important for establishing and maintaining a deeply trusting relationship. It is also very important to use words of affirmation to let our husband/wife know that we love, appreciate, and admire them. As a wife, I need to remind my husband that I believe in his ability to lead our family. As my husband, Cory needs to remind me that he cannot do it without me. We are in this life together, no matter what, and it is our job to remind each other that we’ve got each other’s backs. My husband and I have been working on using our words to build each other up, and reminding each other that we are, in fact, the other’s biggest fan.
Last week, the question was “Am I keeping the flame alive?” We learned about four ways to either tend or neglect our romantic relationship. We need to give each other attention, affirmation, affection, and adventure if we want to keep the fire burning. On the other hand, we neglect our spouse when routine leads us to pass each other by, when we stop putting in effort, when sex becomes a task, and when boredom and complacency are the norm.
My husband and I made a vow before we got married that we would not only never get divorced, but that we would have a happy and healthy marriage. To us, it is not enough just to tough it out and stubbornly refuse to get divorced no matter what; we want to make sure that we never get divorced because we would never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to. In order to make sure that we stay happy and healthy, Cory and I know that we can never stop working on our marriage. Otherwise, we could end up in the dreaded roommate-style marriage, where we act more like coexisting roommates than a married couple.
The things that we learned last week are so important to keeping our romance alive. We have to make sure that no matter how busy or stressed out we may be, we make time to notice and connect with each other every day. Right now, Cory and I are together all day every day, so it’s really not a problem. But someday, when we have kids and jobs outside the home and all sorts of crazy things on our schedules, we will need to remember this. The pastor teaching this class said something last week that I think every family should think about; he said that what kids need most are happily married parents. While I know that this isn’t technically true, from a child-development standpoint, I think the idea is valuable. Kids don’t need a mile-long list of extracurricular activities to be successful and happy when they grow up, but having a family that is harmonious and happy is extremely important. Making your marriage a priority is not only good for you, it’s good for your kids. Part of that means taking the time to connect meaningfully with your spouse every day.
Another important thing that we have to do is to give each other affirmation. As I already said, reminding each other that we believe in the other can go a long way. Affection and intimacy are also, obviously, a huge part of keeping the flame alive. Sex should never become a task , chore, or obligation; if it does, then something must be done to change that. To experience the true intention for marital intimacy that God planned is one of the greatest gifts in life. Sex can be an act of worship when it’s enjoyed within a marriage, and it reaffirms the connection between a husband and wife.
Affection in other forms is also extremely valuable. A simple hug, kiss, or caress is an easy way to remind your honey that you love him/her. Saying “I love you,” having conversations, or even just keeping each other company are all ways to show affection. Whether you’ve been married for one week or 50 years, these things should never become obsolete.
The last way to tend a relationship that we learned about last week is to give your partner some adventure. Boredom is an enemy to romance! Although planning outings together takes time, effort, and money, it is a vital ingredient to a lasting marriage. Doing fun things together doesn’t have to be a huge affair— it can be as simple as making a special dinner, lighting some candles, and giving each other massages. That being said, it is important to try to do new things, too, to keep things interesting. Planning a surprise activity every now and then can be a great way to add some spice to a marriage.
Cory and I have already started to use many of the things that we’ve learned in this class so far, and we’re excited to learn more ways to make our marriage the best that it can be. I’m loving being married to him more and more every day (which says a lot, since I already loved being married to him so much!) and my goal is for that to never change.