This week has been absolutely crazy. If I’m honest, most of my weeks are pretty crazy lately. Big decisions are being made, unmade, and remade. Changes are happening left and right. And the ups and downs of my walk with God are always there, making things even more interesting. Every day there is something new for me to learn and some new way for me to grow. This past week, a big portion of that has been relating to my husband’s parents.

In-laws can be a pain in the butt. It’s nothing personal; it’s just a fact of life. When you get married and take on somebody else’s parents as your own, conflicts are bound to occur. It probably has something to do with the way that nobody really knows how to deal with your parents as well as you do. And when your spouse is put in the position of having to deal with your parents in such an up close and personal way as only occurs in families, well, it’s hard. For me, learning how to navigate the dangerous waters of the MIL and FIL (mother and father in law) has been a struggle. Again, it’s nothing personal against my husband’s parents— they are good people and they love my husband deeply, but we have many differences in personalities and beliefs that cause problems for us.

If I’m honest, it has been difficult at times for me to love my in-laws. Part of the problem is that it has been hard for them to let go of my husband and allow him to make his own decisions. I totally understand, because I imagine that when I have children, letting them go off and start a new family without me will be really hard. But from my perspective, as his wife, it’s quite frustrating. I love my husband so much and I love the fact that we are a family, and that we can make our own decisions together. Having somebody watching over our shoulders and treating us with little respect for our independence isn’t always easy to handle.

But the fact is, God loves my husband’s parents dearly and He forgives them every time they make mistakes. He wants them to turn to Him and live their lives for Him. He definitely doesn’t want to see them hurt or upset, and he definitely does want me to treat them with love and respect. So how can I balance my need for independence with my God-given command to love and respect them? More importantly, how can I fulfill my life purpose and point two of his lost children back to Him? It takes a lot of patience, that’s for sure. It also takes an open, compassionate, and forgiving heart. Fortunately for me, those things are all available to me through the power of God living in me. I just have to harness them.

Sometimes (okay, a lot of the time), I find it difficult to set aside my pride, anger, bitterness, and fear to let God’s gifts of patience, love, and forgiveness take over. Many times, I just want to make my voice heard, have the upper hand, or protect myself from discomfort, and so I am tempted to be unkind or unloving to them. It’s not easy to set aside your own feelings for a greater purpose. Getting your own way feels so good sometimes, and being kind to somebody who is upsetting you often doesn’t feel good at all. But that is what God calls His children to do!  He commands me to love them, forgive them, be kind to them, and respect them as human beings and as my husband’s parents. Not only is it good for me, because it makes me more like Jesus, but it is also part of God’s purpose for my life. Are his parents ever going to turn to the Lord if they see the two closest examples of His followers in their lives acting like jerks? No way! We have to be reflections of Jesus for them, and that requires us to behave with a higher standard.

That still leaves the question of how to balance our need for independence as a married couple with their wishes for my husband as his parents. I think the key here is boundaries. Setting boundaries can often be difficult for Christians, who feel guilty when they have to tell somebody “no” or ask somebody to stop doing something that harms them. They feel that they should be self-sacrificing to the point of putting everybody else’s wants and needs ahead of theirs. But the truth is, Christians need to take care of their own needs just as much as anybody else, especially if they want to stand any chance of helping others. How can I be a kind and loving example of Christ if I’m starving to death? I can’t!

Setting boundaries with parents is an important need for a healthy marriage. When you get married, your spouse moves into the #1 spot in your list of priorities after God. Your parents can and should still be important to you, but they cannot intrude on the rights and responsibilities of your spouse if you want to have a healthy marriage. Plain and simple, they need to step back and allow you to become a new family with your spouse.

I am so proud of how well my parents did this. There were some hiccups along the way, but now we are in such a great place. They respect me and my husband and our decisions, while still being supportive and there for us if we need it. I thank God all the time for giving me such amazing parents!

Unfortunately, it hasn’t been as easy for my husband’s parents. And that is where the boundaries need to come in. It is perfectly acceptable (and in fact, necessary) for us to step back a little from them when we need to. That might mean making decisions that they don’t necessarily agree with, asking them to treat us differently, or simply telling them “no.” The important thing is for us to do these things with love and gentleness. We cannot make decisions based on anger or to spite them. We must treat them with respect, even when we disagree. Respect doesn’t mean bowing down to their every wish; it just means listening to their point of view and giving it value when making our decisions.

I depend on God to give me the grace to love my in-laws. I know that they are only trying to do what they think is best for my husband, and I can respect that. I also know that my husband and I can set up boundaries where necessary to make sure that our decisions as a family are based on what is best for us and what God is calling us to do. As a result, we enjoy a strong and happy relationship that honors God. Even though it isn’t always easy, loving other people is a huge part of God’s plan for us as individuals and as a family. As the Bible says, “we love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19), and that applies not only to each other in our marriage and family, but to the people around us as well.