Category: Babies

Stevie the TV is My Friend

First of all, if you know where “Stevie the TV” comes from, then you just might be as much of a Friends fan as I am. And if you are, then you may also understand my love for TV in general. But if not, then just know this—I really, really like TV. I love the stories and the characters and the overall entertainment value that comes from television (I also love reading and watching movies, for the same reasons).

At the same time, before Cody was born, I had some very clear ideas in mind about what I wanted for my kids as far as media exposure goes. I’ve never liked the idea of the two-year-old-playing-games-on-the-ipad phenomenon. I don’t think it’s good for older children and teenagers to spend hours upon hours each day playing video games or messing around on the computer. And even though I love TV myself, I don’t really believe that it can be healthy for children to spend hours a day watching it. Cory and I both want to make sure that our kids are active participants in the real world—not screen-obsessed like most kids seem to be these days.

That’s still an important goal to me, but since Cody was born, I’ve had to find a middle ground between what I originally planned and what actually works for my day-to-day life. Originally, I’d planned to have a strict rule about “no screens” until our kids were two years old. But once Cody turned about two months old, he started to sleep less and spend more time being awake and alert, yet he wasn’t content to lay on his back and play by himself for any reasonable amount of time. I started to spend most of my time sitting or standing around holding him, and frankly, I quickly became extremely bored. Finally, one day, I turned on the TV in a desperate attempt to entertain myself. Ever since then, Cody has been receiving a top-notch education at Friends University, where he’s minoring in psychology through the Pretty Little Liars program and enjoying the state-of-the-art music program, The Voice, in his spare time. Recently, he’s also shown interest in the How I Met Your Mother course of study. This kid is going to be a TV expert before we know it!

In all seriousness, though, I have struggled with our decisions in this area. The experts all seem to agree that TV should be avoided for children under age two. Even though Cody seems to be developing perfectly and hitting all of his milestones, I still worry that somehow we’re doing irreparable damage to his little brain by letting him watch TV with us. It’s one of those things that I see many parents doing, yet doctors and articles and baby books still warn me not to do. And since I tend to question everything I’m told, I decided to look a little deeper into the reasons behind these warnings. Is TV really so bad for kids?

I discovered that basically, TV is considered to be bad for young children because it takes time away from activities that are very important to their development. Playing, interacting socially, and exploring the world are all vital activities that babies and young children should be spending most of their awake-time doing. Children’s language development can be particularly affected by having insufficient verbal interaction with people around them—reading and talking to your baby is really important! It’s also been “proven” that so-called educational TV programs designed for children have no positive benefits to their development. So basically, sitting your child in front of the TV to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse doesn’t actually count as positive development time.

Still, I have to wonder if TV is really all that harmful for children who also spend a lot of time each day getting the stimulation they need. I can’t help but feel that children’s shows could be a very useful tool to keep little ones entertained for short periods of time, allowing parents to get a few vital things done around the house (always within viewing distance of the child, of course). And in my case, TV helps me keep my sanity when I’m losing my mind with boredom, and gives me a mental break when I really need it. Most of the time, Cody is happy to just be held while I stand and sway, watching an episode of one of my favorite shows. In fact, sometimes when he’s upset no matter what I try to do with him, holding him while I watch TV is the only thing that works.

The reality is that Cody spends a lot of time each day playing and discovering his world. We read to him every day and talk to him constantly. Each day he spends time playing independently while we do chores, and we spend time sitting on the floor and playing with him. We go on walks and errands, exposing him to sights and sounds out in the world. But even with all of that, there is still so much time in the day, and we do spend some of it watching TV with him. But you know what? I think that’s okay.

In a perfect world, I would have endless patience and Cody would play happily with his toys and listen while I read books to him all day long, and we would follow a carefully regimented yet flexible schedule of developmental activities. But this is not a perfect world, and the truth is that often, I just need a little Friends in my day. For the time being, Cody allows me to enjoy this small pleasure, and until he no longer cooperates with me on this, I plan to continue enjoying it. It’s still important to me to make sure that Cody has plenty of stimulating activities in his day, and TV is something that we save for after all of the other activities, or for short breaks in between them. Plus, when we watch it with him, we see it for what it is—entertainment for us, distracting and appeasing for Cody, but not educational or helpful for his development. But personally, I think it’s okay to have some time like that in our day. Not every moment has to be a learning opportunity.

On Judging

As a parent, I pretty much think that the way I choose to do things is the best way. I think most parents probably feel that way, otherwise they would change what they’re doing. After all, all good parents want what’s best for their kids. We try to make decisions based on what we think will help our children grow up with the best possible outcomes.

When it comes to parenting, it’s easy to be judgmental. I know what I believe are good parenting practices, and I also know what I think are bad parenting practices. Yet the truth is, no parent is perfect and different things work for different families. Just because something works well for me doesn’t mean it’s the only way. So why is it that as a mother, I feel the right to judge other parents for their decisions?

Today, I was at a women’s group at church when another mom gave me some advice, and I caught myself being judgmental. She suggested that I try a sleep training method to help my son sleep well on his own, with a more predictable schedule than what he follows now. I’ve also noticed that while several other mothers and I prefer to keep our babies with us during these gatherings, she chooses to utilize the childcare that is available. For a few moments, I started to categorize us into two different groups in my mind. I was in the attachment parenting group, because I respect my son’s natural schedule and I prefer to keep him with me as much as possible; she was in the conventional parenting group, because she wants her children to be as convenient for her as possible. On some level, I began to think that I probably love my son more than she loves her children. Of course, that’s an absurd (and offensive) conclusion to draw from my small observations! But still, that’s where my mind went.

For the rest of the day, I thought about how judgy I was in that moment, and how judgmental many parents (myself included) tend to be about all sorts of parenting issues. Right now, the big debate is focuses on vaccinations. There are parents who choose to fully vaccinate their children, parents who follow a limited schedule, and parents who choose not to vaccinate at all. It seems that no matter what your decision, you will be judged harshly by somebody who holds an opposing opinion. And that’s just one of many, many parenting issues that people have become very opinionated about.

Parents much choose what they feel is best for their child, their family, and themselves in every area imaginable. Whether to exclusively breastfeed, bottlefeed breastmilk, supplement with formula, or exclusively formula feed; when and how to wean; whether to co-sleep, put baby in a crib to sleep, use sleep training, or nurse to sleep; whether to use mechanical mothers (swings, bouncers, etc.), and how much to hold baby; whether to respond to cries, or let baby cry it out; whether to spank, or use positive discipline; whether to limit separation as much as possible, or condition baby to accept separation; whether to allow young children to use screens, or to raise a low-media toddler. These are some of the many choices we must make as parents, and it seems that whatever we choose, we will end up judging others who choose differently (whether consciously or not).

I think we need to stop it.

The truth is, there are very few absolutes when it comes to parenting. Experience, logic, scientific research, emotions, and even spiritual guidance can only get us so far, because in the end, most issues can be convincingly supported on both sides. Vaccinations can be dangerous, but so can not vaccinating. Breastfeeding has many benefits, but formula feeding and other feeding choices have benefits too, and in some cases, are the only option. Co-sleeping is vehemently warned against by some doctors and parents, but enthusiastically supported by others. In reality, there are no perfect answers to these issues; there are just the answers that we choose. And except for cases of genuine abuse or neglect, most choices that a parent can make are not wrong or right, they’re just choices. Why is it so hard for us to accept that?

For me, at least, it’s very hard. I treat other parents kindly and don’t criticize their choices to their faces, but at the same time, I can’t help but cringe inwardly at some of the things I see. For example, I feel very strongly about a baby’s need to be responded to quickly, competently, and lovingly when they cry. When another parent talks about letting their baby cry it out, I can’t help but feel that they’re making the wrong choice. Physical punishment is another area in which I feel strongly—I hate the idea of a parent striking their child as a form a discipline. To me, it’s just not acceptable. Personally, I base my parenting philosophy mainly on what I’ve studied of child development, and these issues have been well-studied. This only serves to make my opinion even stronger, and I find it difficult to believe that doing things a different way can be the best thing for any child. But what I need to remember is that research is not infallible; scientists once believed that the Earth was flat, after all! Just because child development experts generally agree on these things right now doesn’t mean that the opinion won’t change in the future. In the end, I have to make my own parenting decisions and other parents have to do the same. The answers are not always (or usually) as clear-cut as the popular opinion of the day makes it seem.

So all of that to say, I am going to strive to not judge other parents for their choices just because they’re different than mine. Parents who do things differently than Cory and I are not less intelligent or less competent as parents, and they don’t love their children any less, and vice versa. (And on that note, new parents like us can make the best parenting choices for their families, just like any other parents. There aren’t amateur parents and professional parents—there are just parents, doing the best that they can).

Whether you feed your child an organic, vegan, gluten-free diet or whether you let your child eat fast food today, let go of the judgment. Whether you oppose vaccinations or fully support them, let go of the judgment. Whether you spank your kids and use time-outs or whether you use hugs and words of affirmation, let go of the judgment. If you don’t have children yet but plan to one day, let go of the judgment about what you think you’ll “never do as a parent.” If you don’t have children and you never plan to, let go of the judgment about what people who are parents are doing wrong—it’s a hard job, and most of us are doing our best.

Let’s all let go of the judgment and learn to treat our differences with respect and understanding, in parenting and otherwise.

🙂

To Wear or Not to Wear (the Baby)

This is a quick review of five different baby carriers that I’ve owned, plus my thoughts on the art of babywearing. (The carriers are: Moby Wrap, Baby K’Tan, Nuroo Pocket, Ergobaby, Maya Wrap ring sling, and FreeHand mei tai carrier.)

Before I had Cody, I learned about the benefits of babywearing and I decided that I would be a frequent babywearer. For those of you who don’t know, babywearing is pretty much what it sounds like—wearing your baby, or in other words, carrying him or her in a carrier that attaches to your body. It’s a convenient way to keep your baby close and happy while still having one or two hands free to do other things, or so they say.

I bought myself three baby carriers that I thought I’d like: a Moby Wrap, a Baby K’Tan, and a Nuroo Pocket. After only a few weeks with Cody, I realized that none of them were going to work for me.

I bought the Moby Wrap for $45 from Buy Buy Baby. It’s a very long length of stretchy soft fabric that you wrap and tie around yourself in special ways to hold the baby. It’s versatile, comfy, and secure. Unfortunately, it’s extremely long, as in probably three times my height if I had to estimate. That makes it a bit challenging to wrangle, especially when you’re out of the house. I honestly didn’t even try to wear Cody in the Moby Wrap because it was just so difficult to deal with and I wanted to find something easier. I tied it on myself a few times without him in it and it was simply too big. I had to wrap the fabric around myself several times to keep it from dragging on the floor. Another reason I didn’t like the Moby Wrap is that because it’s such a large piece of fabric that you wrap around yourself, it’s quite toasty in there when all is said and done. Since Cody is a very warm little baby, I figured it would be way too hot and uncomfortable to wear him in it.

I bought the Baby K’Tan for $50 from Target. It’s a unique type of carrier made up of two loops of fabric connected by another very small loop. It’s worn sort of like a backpack on the front, with the baby nestled into the pouch created by the fabric. It seemed like it would be a comfortable and secure-feeling option, plus there’s no tying or wrapping involved so I figured it would be easy to use. Unfortunately, I found it incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. Getting the baby into the thing was challenging in itself, and then it was near impossible for me to get him into a comfortable and safe position. I think that the main problem is that it’s not adjustable really at all, so it can’t be opened to put the baby in and then tightened around him. It’s very important in babywearing that the baby is snugly attached to you, not sagging or dangling loosely. That was not possible in the Baby K’Tan.

I bought the Nuroo Pocket for $60 at Babies R Us. It’s a shirt with a pocket in it that holds the baby, and it’s designed especially for newborns. Like the Baby K’Tan, I found the Nuroo Pocket to be awkward and uncomfortable, for the same reasons. It isn’t adjustable, so Cody ended up sinking down into the pocket and that wasn’t comfortable or safe. Even using the support belt that came with it to try to hold him up, it simply didn’t work well.

After those three failures, I started to doubt that babywearing was going to be something I enjoyed. Before giving up though, I decided to do some research and try to find a carrier that worked for me.

I should also mention that at my baby shower, Cory and I received an Ergobaby carrier as a gift, and Cory has been using it to wear Cody since the beginning. The Ergobaby is a structured carrier that can be worn like a backpack in front or back. It has buckles and adjustable straps. I’ve never found it to be that comfortable or easy to use, but it works extremely well for Cory. It’s secure, fairly easy on the back even with extended use, and Cory can get Cody strapped on with it in under a minute. The Ergobaby can be purchased at most baby stores as well as at Target, for around $115.

Finding a carrier that I enjoyed using was a struggle, though. After researching, I came up with two options that looked promising: a ring sling and a mei tai carrier.

A ring sling is a piece of fabric that is threaded through two rings to form a loop. It is worn over one shoulder, and the baby sits in the pouch that is formed. I bought a Maya Wrap ring sling on Amazon for $75. So far, I have had mild success at using it. Some of the benefits to a ring sling are that it is quite versatile, and you can wear a baby in it in many different positions including facing out or on the hip, whereas most carriers I’ve seen are mainly used for tummy-to-tummy carries and back carries. It’s also relatively quick to put on. There is no tying or wrapping involved, just pulling the tail of the fabric to tighten it around the baby. That being said, I haven’t found it to be that comfortable and it can be awkward and frustrating to try to put it on. Another disadvantage I have found is that ring slings are designed to free up only one hand, as one hand should always be kept on the baby. They simply aren’t as secure as other carriers, and I can tell that when I’m wearing it.

A mei tai is a type of carrier that crosses between a structured backpack-type carrier and a wrap. It’s basically a rectangle of fabric with ties on all four corners. The bottom ties go around the waist and the top ties go over the shoulders and back around. I bought a FreeHand Baby Carrier for $35 on Amazon. This is by far my favorite carrier, and it’s ironic that it was also the cheapest. I like it because it’s extremely adjustable and also easy to adjust. It takes a minute to tie it on, and it can be a tiny bit tricky, but it’s so worth it for the security and comfortableness. I can easily get it on by myself, even in the car or out and about. Once it’s on, it feels snug and secure and it balances the weight evenly over my back and shoulders. I can wear Cody in it with his legs out, which he prefers, and once he’s bigger I can use it to wear him on my back. I like that this carrier actually frees up both of my hands.

In the end, I’m happy to say that I found a carrier that works for me. I’m hoping that the ring sling will get more use as Cody gets older and we become more comfortable with it. For now, the mei tai works really well, as does the Ergobaby for Cory.

Even with my mei tai carrier, though, I have not found babywearing to be as easy or comfortable as I’d hoped. Yes, I have my hands free and my arms don’t ache from carrying him for a long time, but I still have a baby strapped to my chest. I can’t do anything that requires use of the space immediately in front of me, which includes eating, sitting close to a table, using the computer, and many types of cleaning (try doing the dishes without standing close to the sink, or doing the laundry without leaning over the machine!). Cody also tends to get fussy if I try to sit down while wearing him—he’d apparently rather be sitting in my lap. And it’s not safe to cook while wearing a baby. So, even though I do appreciate the break for my arms and it tends to be soothing for Cody, babywearing really isn’t a magical solution to let me get things done.

That being said, babywearing is great for outings, walks, and soothing a fussy baby. It’s wonderful when your baby wants to be held but your arms are tired. I would still consider a baby carrier a must-have baby item, and I am very glad to have mine. No, babywearing isn’t what I thought it would be and it isn’t something I do on a daily basis, let alone for hours each day as I had envisioned. But it still has its benefits and I enjoy it when I can.

Supernatural Childbirth

We’re officially in our third trimester of pregnancy now, and it’s amazing to finally be here. Every time I see my reflection in the mirror, I’m thrilled to see my big baby belly—being pregnant is something I’ve imagined and hoped for over a long period time, and it’s surreal to actually be that person now. I used to smile whenever I noticed a pregnant lady walking by me, and now I’ve started to notice that I’m on the other end of the equation—strangers are now noticing my belly and I’ve caught a few knowing smiles out in public. It’s such a special time in my life, and I’m really enjoying the process of bringing new life into the world.

Cody’s birth is getting closer and closer, and soon we’ll be full-fledged parents. As usual, we’re having a lot of fun planning, discussing, researching, and preparing for every aspect of this new adventure we can think of. We’re both so eager to start our new careers as a mom and dad to our precious son. Before we can start though, we have to make it through one heck of an interview process—childbirth!

Before we were married, I went through a phase of thinking that I would never want to have children. At first, this was mostly due to fears about the birth process, and how horrible and scary and painful it would be. I didn’t want to have to face that, so I thought that instead we would just have to adopt. Later, I found another reason to never have children at all, even through adoption. There’s a saying that becoming a parent is like choosing to have your heart walk around outside of your body. It’s incredibly risky! You love this other person so much that it’s beyond words, and the idea of them ever getting hurt or making a bad decision is terrifying to you. You have everything invested in your children, and yet very little control over what happens to them. That idea scared the living daylights out of me, and so I thought that I would never want to put myself into such a vulnerable position.

Later, of course, I changed my mind back because I just knew that I was meant to be a mother. It’s a calling on my life that I can’t deny, no matter what pain or risks I have to face. It was only after that discovery that I was able to be taught some very important truths from God. I learned both of them after experiencing the loss of our first baby, Sam, only six weeks into our pregnancy. I was in a place of anger, utter heartbreak, loss of trust, and loss of hope for the future. Other people’s words of comfort often felt like a slap in the face to me. They told me that I should hold on to God, as if I wanted to hold on to a God who decided to take my baby from the world before he or she even had a chance to live. They told me to keep trusting him because it was all in his plan—as if I could trust a God who planned something like that to happen. Most of all, I despised it when people told me that I could try again. The thought of trying again, of putting myself at risk for heartbreak again, was a terrible thought. I felt that it wasn’t worth the risk, and that Cory and I should not try again, not ever.

It was from this place of darkness that God showed us the light. Through the guidance of some godly people in our lives, he showed us the simple truth that he is good. We learned that our miscarriage was not God’s doing or his plan for us, but an attack from the enemy. We also learned that God is bigger and stronger than our enemy, and that we have the choice to fight with him on our side. When we fight with the spiritual weapons that he gave us, we will experience victory!

The lessons that God taught us through that painful experience are lessons that we desperately needed for our future as parents. If we’d become parents without learning about God’s protection and strength, and about spiritual warfare and our role in it, we wouldn’t have been able to handle the fear of “what might happen.” We would have lived in fear of our children being hurt or worse, and that fear would have given the enemy a foothold in our lives. Instead, we now know and firmly believe that God has his hand over our family. I don’t have to worry about what might happen to Cody because I know that God’s got him. He’s in good hands. In fact, he’s in the best possible hands!

We also learned a mind-blowing (yes, mind-blowing!) truth about childbirth that completely obliterated any worries I once had about the process of bringing a baby into the world. We were given a book called Supernatural Childbirth by our pastor at the time, and through it we learned about the power of confession, or speaking God’s word over our lives, and about the promises and freedom that are available through Jesus. I’d never before been exposed to the idea that we can have victory over every area of pain in our lives through the victory of Jesus on the cross. What I learned by reading this book and the Bible verses within is that I don’t have to experience an agonizing, life-threatening, or traumatizing birth. I can bring Cody into the world in comfort, peace, and safety. And I will!

Supernatural childbirth is using God’s word (the promises he makes in the Bible) to overcome challenges related to childbearing. The Bible supports every woman’s ability to conceive, gestate without sickness, pain, or fear, and give birth in safety and without pain (or drugs)—all within the plan of God and the power of Jesus. As with any area of life, God will back up his promises, to the level of your faith. He will meet you where your faith is! I had trouble believing that I could have a healthy pregnancy without nausea, morning sickness, and fatigue in the first trimester. I chose to listen to what people around me said—that if I felt sick, it meant the baby was healthy! If I didn’t feel sick, well… you can guess what that inferred. And so, I felt sick and icky for the entire first trimester. I did believe firmly that Cody and I would be healthy, however, and so it was. That was the level of my faith, met by the goodness of God. As I approach the end of my pregnancy now, I’m believing for more. I’m believing for a supernatural, pain-free birth, and I trust God’s promise to meet me where my faith is.

Now, I want to address two common “arguments” against this concept of supernatural childbirth. The first is that the Bible says in Genesis that women will suffer in childbirth. This is true—the verse is Genesis 3:16 and it says “To the woman, he said ‘I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.’” This is part of several verses in this section that represent what is known as “the curse,” or the consequences of humankind’s fall from God’s plan. Humans chose to disobey God, and as a result, lost the benefits of the paradise they’d been living in and forever altered their relationship with God. From that point on, humans had to work hard to obey a very strict and detailed set of laws in order to stay in right standing with God (and even then, it wasn’t quite enough to be accepted by God without a hefty dose of his grace). God didn’t intend for it to stay that way forever, though. Throughout the Old Testament, hints of a coming savior abound. In the New Testament, that savior finally appeared—Jesus Christ, the son of God, sent to earth to teach us and save the lost. He came, lived as an example, healed and performed miracles, and finally, died an undeserved death on the cross and rose again. He did this for our salvation, so that we could return to the relationship God originally intended for us to have with him. Jesus paid the price for us to be redeemed. Galatians 3:13 says that “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: ‘Cursed is everyone who is hung on a pole.’” Isaiah 53:4-5 says “Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Because of Jesus, anyone who believes in him is no longer under the curse. I am not fallen, but redeemed, through the grace of God! Therefore, my childbearing experience is not the experience of a cursed woman, but the experience of a woman living in God’s abundance and delivered from pain and suffering through the love of Jesus.

The second common argument against supernatural childbirth is something along the lines of “everybody knows that childbirth is painful.” Almost any woman who has given birth will testify to the horrible pain that she experienced in labor and birth. I’d even venture to say that most Christian women are in that group. So why would I be any different than the rest of the world, let alone than so many of my sisters in Christ, who are also redeemed? The difference lies within my mind and my faith. As I said before, God will meet you where your faith is. In Matthew 9:29, Jesus healed a group of blind men by saying “According to your faith let it be done to you.” A person can be redeemed through Christ, and yet not believe that they have healing, abundance, or the ability to have children and have them in joy and comfort. According to their faith, it will be done to them. The conclusion of Supernatural Childbirth says this: “People often fight for the right to suffer… The Word says you can do things God’s way. You can do things other ways as well. You can be sick, and God will still love you. You can be poor, and God will still love you. You can be barren, and God will still love you. You can live in pain, and God will still love you. But God says there is a better way. Jesus has paid for salvation, healing, prosperity, deliverance and blessing.” It is up to each individual to decide in their mind and heart whether to believe God for what he has promised. Romans 12:2 says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” I can choose to conform to the ways of the world, and give birth in the way that the world says I will; or, I can choose to renew my mind according to God’s Word, and transform my birth into a peaceful, joyful, and comfortable experience, which I believe is God’s perfect will for me. I do not believe that God wants me to experience pain (what loving parent would want their child to experience pain?), and I want to see his good, pleasing and perfect will in every area of my life. That’s why I believe in supernatural childbirth, and why I have no fear when it comes to my pregnancy or birth. God is good, and he has everything under control!  

And so to childbirth, I say bring it on. 🙂

It’s Minimalism, Baby!

A couple of weeks ago, I read a book about minimalism and how it can be applied to having a baby. A minimalist lifestyle is essentially one that focuses less on stuff. Minimalists tend to focus less on what things they want and more on enjoying and using what they have. It helps save money, creates a lifestyle that requires less money, and thus allows people to live more freely. Spending time with family and friends and enjoying experiences together are emphasized over acquiring and spending money on material possessions.

When it comes to having a baby, the world tells us that we need a lot of stuff. It is absolutely essential that we have mountains of adorable baby clothes, fancy swings and bassinets, special pillows and seats and wearable blankets, the perfect stroller and baby carrier… the list goes on! Not to mention a perfectly coordinated nursery with matching furniture, bedding sets, and beautiful decorations. And those are just the essentials, they tell us. If we want to be really prepared, then we also need all of the newest, latest, and greatest gear and gadgets that promise to add convenience to our baby care routines. Planning to have a baby? Well then you’d better get ready to spend a small fortune on all of the stuff that you’ll surely need. That’s what the world tells us, at least.

Well, minimalists see things differently. The book I read gave this list of items that are actual essentials when it comes to bringing a new baby home: 12 newborn onesies or sleepers, 1 newborn hat, 6 receiving blankets, 2 bottles (if not breastfeeding), diapers, and a car seat (if you have a car). Personally, I would alter this list by removing the newborn hat, because babies really don’t need them once they leave the hospital or birthing center. I would also note that if you are not breastfeeding then you also need formula, and baby wipes should be added to the list as well. Finally, I would add some onesies or sleepers in sizes other than newborn, since some babies are too big for newborn sized clothes and nearly all babies will quickly grow out of them. But the point is, this list is pretty shocking when you compare it to the list of “necessities” that you’d find anywhere else. When it comes right down to it, most of what we consider necessities are actually just conveniences at best, and a waste of resources and space at worst.

Babies have several basic needs, of course, but meeting those needs really doesn’t require all of the complicated gear we think it does. They eat, they sleep, they cry, they poop and pee. A parent’s job is to take care of these needs and provide the essential ingredient of love. For a family who breastfeeds, co-sleeps, baby-wears, and uses cloth diapers and wipes, or even natural infant hygiene, the list of stuff that is necessary to accomplish this job is quite small. A safe place to sleep can be provided with some adjustments to the bed you already have, or if desired, a side-car sleeping arrangement can be created. Swings, bouncers, and other infant-soothing devices can often be replaced by a sling worn by mom or dad, since babies frequently find a parent’s embrace to be the most soothing place of all. Cloth diapers and wipes can be reused, eliminating the need to purchase seemingly unending supplies of disposables. Natural infant hygiene is even more frugal, since no diapers or wipes are required at all! Though this method will undoubtedly lead to many messes, in the end it results in a baby who doesn’t need diapers and later, a child who never needs to go through potty training. (I’ll write a post about what natural infant hygiene is later, but the point is that technically speaking, diapers and wipes aren’t even necessary). For a family that does all of what I just described, all that’s left to buy is clothing, a sling, and possibly a car seat. If this family also follows the minimalist approach to clothing, then they will only need plain white onesies, about 12 in each size. That adds up to only about $150 in clothes for the first year, or even less if they buy clothes at thrift stores. Add another $50 for a well-made sling, and $100 for a car seat, and the total cost for gear in a baby’s first year could be only $300. Compare that to the thousands (or tens of thousands) that most new parents spend on a baby in the first year, and the savings is incredible.

Now, what I just described is probably the most minimalistic approach possible, at least that I can think of. And while that may be an optimal approach for some parents, Cory and I simply aren’t that frugal. Sorry, we just aren’t. We believe in spending our money wisely and saving on things that we buy anyway, but we also enjoy our material blessings. Nice stuff is nice to have, and I don’t think that’s wrong. That being said, there is a balance to be found, and for us, the balance is somewhere between complete minimalism and complete excess.

Reading this book on minimalism inspired me to cut some unnecessary items out of our baby budget. Cory and I spent some time re-thinking our needs and wants for life with a baby. In the end, we were able to trim over $1,000 from our baby budget, and we’ve used some of that to make changes to our home that we feel will make it more fit for our envisioned family lifestyle. One of the major things that we cut from the budget was a nursery. We’d already been planning to co-sleep, so the room that we’d designated as Cody’s future nursery was going to get very little use. We decided to turn the room into a TV room and guest room, which has opened up our living room to be more welcoming and family-oriented. There is now plenty of space for kids to play and for people to relax and converse when we have guests over. An added benefit is that the television is no longer the centerpiece of our home. Child development experts recommend that children under age 2 not watch TV at all, and this arrangement will make it much easier to follow through with our no-TV policy. Finally, we used some of that extra money to spoil ourselves with new bedding and other refreshing changes to our bedroom. Since that is where Cory, Cody, and I will all be sleeping, we wanted that room to be a relaxing and pleasant space. In essence, we cut some things from the baby budget that would have brought our family very little benefit, and replaced them with a few purchases that have improved our home for everyone while still saving money.

Our recent baby gear re-evaluation also gave us the benefit of shrinking the list of what we still need to buy. As of right now, Cory and I are glad to know that we have most what we need for the baby. We could easily spend just a hundred bucks or so to buy the clothes that we need and then we’d be good to go. It’s refreshing to see it that way, after being told for so long that affording a baby is impossible! This new outlook is due mostly to changing the way we see what we need versus what we want.

That’s not to say that there aren’t still plenty of things that we want for the baby. A fancy swing would be nice, we’d certainly enjoy a comfy glider to rock Cody to sleep in, and an ergo carrier has definitely caught my eye. Some ridiculously cute baby outfits would not be the worst thing to have either! But hey, that’s what a baby registry is for, right? Cory and I enjoyed filling ours with fun things that it would be nice to have. And honestly, knowing that any gifts we receive at our baby shower or otherwise are purely for our delight and enjoyment makes it all that much sweeter. We don’t need them, they’re simply blessings to be thankful for and to add to the fun of having a baby.

Taking a minimalist view of preparing for baby has given us peace. We know that years down the road, Cody won’t remember or care that he didn’t have a nursery or that awesome new baby gadget. He’ll just remember that he was loved and cared for. He most likely won’t even think to ask for his own room until he’s past age 3 or 4, he’ll just be happy to go to bed every night safe and sound next to the parents who love him. And when we look back at his baby years, I don’t think we’ll be regretting that we didn’t spend as much money on baby stuff as we could have; instead, we’ll look back and treasure the memories of holding, snuggling, feeding, and playing with our little baby, whether or not he was wearing designer jeans and clutching a trendy giraffe teething toy.

Stuff comes and goes, but love will last forever; that’s what kids need the most. Minimalism in all of its levels is just one way to remind ourselves about what really matters. Not stuff, but love.

 

“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13 (NLT)

Our God-Vision for Parenting

As Cory and I wait and prepare for the next phase of our lives, we’re spending a lot of time discussing our ideal plan for parenting. While we know that we cannot fully prepare ourselves for the job, and that some things won’t be determined until we’re actually parents, we feel it’s important to think about these things ahead of time. We enjoy reading, researching, discussing, and analyzing various aspects of parenting, and deciding how we would like to do things. Throughout our discussions, we’ve started to discover a parenting vision for ourselves.

We have faith that our journey into parenthood is drawing closer now, so we decided to sit down and write a detailed “parenting vision” as a way to guide our choices and clarify our values in terms of how we’d like to raise our children. This blueprint gives us a way to organize our thoughts and begin truly preparing ourselves for the wonderful and demanding task ahead of us. At the same time, we realize that different aspects of our plan may need to be adjusted, amended, or even abandoned as we journey through parenthood. Our plan is something that will likely always be evolving and in need of further refinement. Writing down our parenting vision gives us a foundation to build on as we begin our parenting careers.

One sentence to describe our parenting ideal could be this: We want to raise our children in a way that is centered on God and guided by love, faith, respect, and wisdom. We have also found that the principles of attachment parenting mesh well with our ideals, and integrated them into our vision. Based on this, we created our plan for parenting with four different key areas in mind: putting God at the center, using attachment parenting principles, choosing an intentional lifestyle, and teaching safety and wisdom. Our parenting vision document is lengthy, but I wanted to share a summarized version of the aspects most important to us. In this post, I will focus on the first key area, putting God at the center.

Putting God at the center means that we view our parenting as a ministry, first. We believe that as parents, we will have the opportunity to raise up new members of God’s Kingdom. Our children have the potential to make huge differences in the world for God; they may grow up to be church leaders, people who help the needy, missionaries, healers, founders of world-bettering organizations, influential speakers or writers, or artists who bring more beauty into the world. They may grow up to be husbands and wives and parents to another generation; they will be friends, lovers, employees, employers, thinkers, decision-makers, and citizens. We have a huge role to play in how they turn out. Our job as parents will be to do our best to raise our children into adults who use their lives for God.

Not only is parenting a ministry, it’s a gift and a responsibility. We are entrusted with the care of impressionable, unique, and immensely valued individuals; precious children of God. When he gives us a child, it will be an amazing blessing. It will mean that he believes we have the ability to be parents worthy of the honor of caring for one of his children. What an incredible responsibility and opportunity to serve our Lord! As such, we want to do it for our God by keeping him front and center. Our parenting careers, and our children, will be dedicated to God.

There are many practical ways that we can keep our focus on God. We plan to pray for and with our children daily. We will read and teach them the Bible, and provide resources for each child’s individual spiritual growth. We will be a family involved and connected at church. Spiritual matters will be a topic we discuss openly in our daily conversations; we will answer questions, encourage curiosity, and help our children come to know God in a genuine, personal relationship through Jesus Christ. Overall, we will raise our children in an environment of love, grace, faith, and truth. We will also rely on God as our first and best source of help and success at the monumental task of raising members of the next generation. His supernatural intervention is what we ultimately rely on for the protection, provision, health, behavior, and success of our children. We can’t do it alone and we wouldn’t want to!

In my next post, I’ll share the basics of attachment parenting, and how we plan to use it in our parenting philosophy.

Parental Guidance Suggested – Part 4

Well hi there! It’s been a while since I’ve been able to post— life has been busy lately. But I’m back now, and ready to continue my series on positive parenting. This week I’m writing about the special needs of infants and toddlers.

According to child development experts, infants are children under age two. That may be surprising to some people! I know that it surprised me when I first learned it. By age two, most children know how to walk, run, talk (with a limited vocabulary), and yes, get into “trouble” and throw tantrums. Yet children under two years of age are still considered babies! The significance of this is that parenting needs to be different for babies than it is for older children. Most importantly, infants cannot be expected to behave according to adult standards. Not only do they not understand the world the way we do, but they lack the ability to control themselves.

In other words, children under age two are essentially incapable of truly misbehaving. They don’t intentionally do things that we consider “naughty.” Instead, they act based on what they think and feel. They are actually incapable of understanding that we have a different point of view than them. In their minds, we and every other person and thing that they see exists only for their sake. The world quite literally revolves around them!

When I was a nanny, I did not always see things this way. Many times I felt positive that the little 11 month old boy that I was caring for did things intentionally to bother me. When he threw his bottle, it was because he wanted to upset me. When he didn’t want to go down for a nap, it was because he didn’t want me to be able to rest. And as silly as these thoughts may sound now, they seemed logical then! Why? Because even as babies, human beings are intelligent. I saw his natural intelligence and let it convince me that he was just a miniature person. But the truth is, while babies are people, they are not fully developed people. While they are intelligent, they are not capable of the same complex kinds of thoughts that we are. And babies don’t misbehave intentionally, because they don’t understand what misbehaving even is.

The point is, there is no place for discipline of any kind when it comes to caring for babies. Infants need responsive care and a safe environment to explore. Discipline can (and definitely should) come later, when the child is capable of understanding it.

So what is responsive care, and why is it so important? According to a famous developmental psychologist, Erik Erikson, children go through two stages of psychosocial development in the first two years of life. The first stage is called “trust versus mistrust,” and it is experienced during approximately the first year of life. In this stage, babies must learn to trust in their caregivers and the world around them. They must develop a sense of security in this first year of life if they are to grow up with the best possible outcomes.

The second stage, experienced in the second year of life, is called “independence versus doubt and shame.” In this stage, young toddlers must develop a sense of independence in certain areas, such as learning how to care for themselves to some degree. Learning to use the potty, put on clothing, feed oneself, and explore independently from their parents are some of these important skills. If toddlers are allowed and encouraged to try to do some things for themselves, they will develop a sense of independence. If they are overprotected, discouraged, or shamed, them they will likely develop a sense of guilt and a lack of confidence.

Using these concepts, we can understand that the most important thing for parents to give young babies is consistent and responsive care. This means that babies should be picked up promptly when they cry, and their needs taken care of. Sometimes, babies cry even when they aren’t hungry, in need of a diaper change, or uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean that they need attention any less. In a way, it can be said that babies sometimes cry to test their caregivers. This is not intentional testing, of course, but it is the way in which babies develop that sense of security that I explained earlier. They learn that if they cry, and then receive attention, then they can trust their caregivers.

There is a method known as “cry it out” that some caregivers use, and I myself have used in the past before I began studying child development. When a baby is crying, the caregiver ensures that he is not hungry, has a clean diaper, and is not otherwise uncomfortable. After the baby’s physical needs are met, and the caregiver cannot find a way to make him stop crying, the caregiver will put him in a secure place such as a crib, and then leave him to cry. This is especially used when trying to get young infants and toddlers to nap. Unfortunately, this method ignores the psychological needs of the infant, including the need to develop a sense of security! As harmless as it may sound, I would not recommend using “cry it out” when caring for an infant. Although all of a baby’s physical needs may be met, she still has emotional and psychological needs that are important. Even if a baby continues to cry as you hold her and try to comfort her, the fact that you are trying is what’s important. Through the process of soothing the infant, you can show her that you will always be there to comfort her.

As babies grow older and become toddlers (still infants, technically speaking!) they need care that changes to match their needs. Toddlers need to develop a sense of independence, which happens best in a safe environment for them to explore. Since toddlers learn rapidly, they need a variety of interesting things to play with and space to freely explore. Since they are also innocent to the dangers of the world, they also need very close supervision and a caregiver who will ensure that the playthings and spaces the baby has access to are safe. Toddlers should never be scolded or put in time out, and especially not for getting into things that are “off limits.” It is the caregiver’s job to ensure that the baby doesn’t have access to such things. If a toddler does manage to get into things that are “off limits,” as a result of his natural and healthy curiosity, the caregiver should simply redirect him to something more appropriate.

As an infant approaches his or her second birthday, and then continues on through childhood, there is a period of transition in which caregivers must learn to gradually introduce positive discipline. Obviously, a child doesn’t instantly become mature enough to understand rules and discipline overnight on her second birthday. Instead, she slowly but surely becomes ready to accept guidance and learn self-control. Caregivers must patiently adapt to a child’s needs and growing abilities, introducing discipline when the child is ready.

In my next post I will write more about this transition period, including how to introduce proactive guidance techniques and begin to establish rules.

What do you think is important in infant care? What kinds of things have you learned from experience? Post a comment below to share your thoughts!

Baby Fever 2.0

I recently caught a new, severe strain of baby fever and have been battling this powerful virus for the past few weeks. Some of my symptoms have included researching baby names late into the night, “accidentally” walking through the baby section at target, and stuffing my shirt with a blanket to see what I would look like pregnant. Not to worry though, the prognosis is good; I know that I can fight it and I will soon be back to good health.

😉

All jokes aside though, I really do have baby fever. The fact that I’ve been struggling with insomnia for the past month or so hasn’t helped things. I’ve spent many nights lately just laying in bed thinking about babies, and all of that thinking has not done much to help matters. But don’t worry, friends and family members who are reading this; Cory and I are not planning on having children any time soon. We’re not ready for that yet, financially, and our sense of responsibility is strong enough to override any wishes that we may have for starting a family right now.

Still, I’ve been doing some research about baby-related matters and last night, I started to look into the debate about the “right number of kids.” My husband and I are considering having up to six kids, two of which would be adopted, and I was curious about what other people think about large families like that.

There are many passionate arguments for and against having so many children. Many people believe that having any more than two children is wrong because of the environmental costs. They argue that the world is already overpopulated and that having more than two to “replace you” would be irresponsible. Some even argue that having more than one is wrong, and having none is preferable, because we need to reduce the population. While most of these people are not basing their opinions on God or the Bible, there are actually many Christians who believe that our duty to protect and care for the planet requires us to limit the number of children that we have to a maximum of three (and many believe that one or two is better).

On the other side of the coin, there are those who argue that people should have as many children as they want to and can handle. Christians, in particular, often have some wild opinions about the matter. For example, many Christians argue that God commanded us to “be fruitful and multiply,” which they feel means that we have a duty to have as many children as possible. Some even believe that we should continue having kids even when we cannot provide for them financially, because it forces us to rely on God to provide. And of course, there is the belief that not having children is a selfish and sinful act, and that having as many children as possible is the most selfless thing a person can do with his/her life.

I rarely believe that any extreme stance on an issue is the best approach, so neither of these camps really felt right with me. As a Christian, I want to base every decision that I make on what God thinks. Part of how I figure out what God thinks is by figuring out what other Christians think, because the Bible doesn’t always spell out everything in black and white. Unfortunately, we are all flawed people and it isn’t always easy to tell what God thinks by looking at what people think. Often, this approach will lead to a less Godly decision than if we’d just tried to make it on our own in the first place!

So what is the right number of kids to have, and how can we make that decision based on what God wants for us? I don’t necessarily know the answer to this question any more than anybody else does. But, I do have an opinion based on my understanding of the Bible.

God’s greatest commandment to his followers is to love Him and to love others. Having children can certainly teach us to love Him more because it gives us a better understanding of His love for us! When you have a child, your understanding of unconditional love grows. That’s the kind of love that God has for us, except infinitely more! On top of that, having children can improve our ability to love others. Raising children requires sacrifice, patience, and many other Godly character traits, and it can refine these character traits in us as well. So yes, I believe that having children can be a tool for God to teach us how to love Him and others better.

God also commands us to take care of the planet that He created. We are responsible for protecting our resources, and God never intended for us to abuse them. But how does having children fit into this picture? I think the key is to focus on intention, not legalism. Having three children or more may negatively affect the planet, but so can pretty much everything else we do. It’s kind of like arguing that we shouldn’t do homework because using paper kills trees.

The fact of the matter is that we cannot control every consequence of every decision that we make; sometimes bad things happen as a result of good decisions that we make, but that doesn’t change the fact that the decision was good. The same idea can be applied to having children; as long as we raise our children in a way that teaches them to care for the planet to the best of their abilities, I don’t believe that having many children is wrong for environmental reasons. Children are a gift from God and created by God, and I don’t believe for a second that He would ever regret creating a child because he or she added to global warming. On that note, though, we absolutely do have a responsibility as parents to teach our kids the value of our planet. Christians especially have a God-given calling to work together to protect it and all of the people on it to the best of our abilities.

Different numbers of children are right for different people. There is no “right number” of children to have. Some people are called to raise many children, and some are called to raise none. All that matters, really, is that we strive to love God and others, and whether children are a part of that story for us or not is up to us. I honestly think that sometimes, God really doesn’t have a preference in what we do as long as our intentions are pure.

My husband and I feel called to have children, but only God knows how many we will end up with. We might have one baby and realize that we’re fine with just one! Or, we might continue to grow our family and end up with many more. Right now, we really want to have two boys and two girls, and we think that if after having four biologically we don’t have that mix, then we would like to adopt. Of course, we won’t know for sure until we get there. Either way, I know that my husband and I are excited to be parents one day, and I’m looking forward to that awesome adventure ahead of us.

Au Naturel

Recently, I discovered something about my birth control pills that alarmed me.

Hold up, did I just reveal something very personal in my publically published blog? Why yes, I did. But that’s ok, because I’m not shy about my views on or use of birth control! Well, at least not on the internet I’m not. And I know that this is a much different kind of topic than what I usually write about on here, but I think that this is something I should share. So if you don’t mind, let’s dive in!

Before I jump back into what I was saying though, I think a few things need to be addressed. First of all, I do have some very strong views on birth control, and because of that I usually try to avoid discussing it. The last thing that I want to do is to offend or get pointlessly angry at somebody. And believe me, I will get angry if the topic of abortion comes up and they have strong beliefs that are the opposite of mine. I just can’t help it; I’m that passionate about it. Of course, while abortion and birth control are related, they are not by any means synonyms. Still, it seems that these topics often go hand in hand in discussions, and people are either on one side of the fence or the other; they support a woman’s right to use birth control and her right to terminate pregnancies, or they don’t. If those are the two choices, then that puts me squarely in the middle of the fence.

Without getting too political here, I’ll just simply state that I do not support abortion because it affects not only the woman, but an actual live human baby. On the other hand, I do support birth control because it only directly affects the woman. I realize that some people argue that birth control is evil because it prevents the creation of life that would otherwise be, well, created. But to me, this is just ridiculous. It’s the potential for a baby that we’re talking about here—one egg and bunch of sperm. If preventing the potential for a baby from becoming the reality of a baby is evil, then having sex is evil. Each time that a man has sex, there is 100% chance that at least one of his sperm will die, which means that the potential for at least one baby dies. Yet nobody complains about that! So why complain about contraception? God didn’t create sex just for making babies, and it seems to follow that He is okay with sex that doesn’t make babies.

Now that that’s out of the way, I return to my original point. I recently discovered something unfortunate about my birth control pills. Hormonal methods of birth control prevent pregnancy in three ways: first, they prevent ovulation; second, they thicken cervical mucus (I know, gross) so that the sperm can’t get through; third, they thin the lining of the uterus so that any egg that did get fertilized would not be able to implant. This last property in birth control pills is called an abortient. That’s because it technically causes an abortion.

Fortunately, this last property is just that. It is the pill’s last defense against pregnancy, and in most cases it likely never happens. The first two safeguards would have to fail and the last one would have to work in order for an abortion to occur, which seems improbable at best. That’s why I am not saying that the pill is the same as an abortion. It isn’t. An abortion is a planned, deliberate termination of a pregnancy; the pill uses methods to prevent pregnancy from occurring, and could result in an abortion in unlikely cases. Because of this, I am not saying that taking the pill is wrong or evil. But for me, this piece of information made a big difference because I’m just not comfortable with it.

As a result, I’ve felt morally obligated to search for a new method of birth control. After weeding through all of the effective, ineffective, plausible, and implausible options, I was left with very few choices. The most effective method of course is abstinence—its effectiveness hovers right around 100%. But that’s not an option for a healthy marriage, in my opinion. The second most effective method is sterilization. My husband and I would like to retain our ability to have children one day, so that’s not a solution for us either. The third most effective methods include all of the hormonal options (which would do the same thing as the pill) and IUDs (which are too invasive for my taste). Everything less effective than those methods is not effective enough for what my husband and I are looking for.

I was searching for other options when I stumbled upon fertility awareness methods (FAMs), also known as natural family planning. I was happily surprised to discover that one of the methods of FAM, called the symptothermal method, is extremely effective and safe. It’s 99.6% effective when used properly, which is actually the same as or even more effective than the pill. The best part is I don’t have to take any medicine or put anything in my uterus! Thank God for that, right?

 

Some quick information about this method of contraception:

  1. Though it has the reputation for being a “Catholic thing,” it’s not just for Catholics. It can be for other Christians too! Only kidding—this method is for anybody who wants to do things more naturally or safely, or who has concerns about the morality of other birth control methods.
  2. It does take a lot of work. The woman has to tediously chart observations about her body throughout the month. This can be difficult if you don’t want to have to think about your method of contraception every day, or if you have trouble remembering to do things.
  3. It also takes a firm commitment on the parts of both the wife and the husband. This method requires periods of abstinence from intercourse, so if you cannot control your sexual desires for more than a few days at a time, then this one isn’t for you.
  4. It’s easy to stop! If you decide that you’re ready for babies, than you can try to conceive right away. No waiting for your body to resume its natural rhythm, removing anything, or surgery. How convenient!
  5. Hormonal methods of birth control can decrease your sex drive. Enough said.

Interesting in going au naturel? Do you homework first! You shouldn’t start any method of birth control until you understand how it works—take it from me! I may not have understood completely how the pill worked when I started it, but I sure wish I had. Then I wouldn’t have started it in the first place.

Anyhow, what’s done is done. From now on though, I’m doing things differently. No more pills for me!

 

 

 

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