Burnout

This week has been exceptionally difficult for me. My professors have been piling on the school work, and I’m starting to feel very burned out. Just this week, I had 315 pages of reading (no joke— I counted it. I actually have to finish some of it today, even though I usually try to avoid working on Saturdays.) On top of the mountains of reading I had an exam, three quizzes, two smaller assignments, and two major assignments due. By the middle of the week, I was ready to give up.

I’m not saying all of this just to complain. Because in truth, while it is a lot of work, it probably could be managed if I actually worked 8 hours every weekday, which is what I would be doing in a normal job. The problem isn’t that I don’t have enough time. The problem is that I’m beginning to find it really difficult to spend the majority of my day doing something other than what I really want to be doing. I don’t want to be a student anymore, honestly. But I am a student, because that is the path to the career that I want. Or, I should say, that is the path to the second career that I want. What I really want to be doing is starting my first career— my career as a mother.

I would so much rather spend my days taking care of my baby and my home. Weird as it may be, I actually love cleaning. When I need a break from my schoolwork, I usually do some vacuuming or do the laundry. I also love managing Cory’s and my budget, making our grocery list, and taking care of our pets. These are the things that I want to be doing all day. I am very much looking forward to being a stay-at-home mom.

Unfortunately, things aren’t quite lined up yet for that. And in the meantime, I can’t just sit around doing nothing. I have to do something productive and useful. Since I may not have much time to finish school when I’m a parent, I may as well get that out of the way now as much as possible. That way, when my kids are grown, I can jump right into teaching. It makes sense for sure. The problem is, I’m just so tired of it.

My husband has been trying really hard to help me in whatever ways that he can, but there’s simply not much he can do. He can’t do my schoolwork for me, and that’s the one thing that I want to be doing less of. But his support and encouragement have helped me push through. I’ve also been trying to focus on God instead of my problems. Of course, that’s easier said than done. Usually when I’m feeling burned out, spending time in prayer or reading my Bible is not very tempting. Sometimes I even start to get mad at God and purposely avoid Him. It’s like I’m trying to punish him for not giving me what I want— which is really ridiculous considering how much God has given me. For most of this week, I didn’t spend a lot of time with him. But a couple nights ago, I started a new Bible reading plan and on the first night, this is what I read:

“We must let go of the good to grab hold of the better. Living a better life begins with understanding this one key thought from Psalm 84: better is one day with God than thousands elsewhere. His ways are better than your ways. His love is better than life. His blessings are better than material possessions. This week, you will read from God’s word about what it truly means to have a day with God.”

The Bible passage assigned to that day was Psalms 84:1-12. This is some of what it says:

“With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God… What joy for those who can live in your house, always singing your praises… What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord… For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory.”

When I read that, I was not really feeling full of joy. I was feeling discontented and frustrated. But then I remembered something I learned a long time ago— the only surefire source of true and lasting joy is God. Lately, I haven’t been looking to God for joy; I’ve been looking to life. And life isn’t exactly always full of joy. So it’s really no wonder that I’m feeling the way that I am. Even though I haven’t been ignoring God completely, I certainly haven’t been giving him my focused attention.

I’m trying to change that, though.

Next week, I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter how much reading or how many assignments or how many hours of schoolwork I have. I’m determined to focus on God instead. I have a feeling that he’ll help me take care of the rest.

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